31st dec 2007 woah.. its the end of the year already

oh. Here i am, on the morning, the eve of the new year. I was just simply doing my morning run, and the thought came to me that I have never been truly free, anywhere. (funny things come to my mind when i run...) it goes like this, there are a few aspects of me that i can never truly reconcile, it seems, they only come together when i'm by myself, such as, during running. which may be why i love running so much... hah.

anyway, the few things that i identify are...

1. physical freedom - freedom to move, freedom of action.
2. mental freedom - to think what i want to think, freedom of thought
3. spiritual freedom - to pray and worship God.

In camp, i might not have 1, but i have 2 and 3. at home i have 1 and 2, but not 3. at church and cell, i have 1 and 3 but not 2, unless i'm talking to melvin or zhou qi...

dang. i think i've finally found for myself, the situation that i'm in. even among friends, i might have 1, but i don't have 2 and 3 (army pals), with shaun, its just 1 and 2 and maybe 3. with SYINC its... 1 and 2. sigh... with rajen its 1 and 2. It seems so hard to talk about God with... ordinary friends. its funny. it shouldn't be. there is that line which i don't dare to cross, it seems. oh well.

I have never found myself in a community - a group of people, where i can truly have all of these freedoms. i have never found a place where i could do my morning routine of exercise and training, worship God, and do to the life-work that i do, ie, writing about my ideas, dreaming about ideas, working on ideas. It seems that my interests can't coexist. which sucks. and so my whole life has been this tension from managing and pursuing all of these freedoms. sigh.

God, will there ever be such a place? will there ever be a larger community of God and ideas together in the same place?

oh.. and... from watching too many ted vids in so short a time...

this is from watching all the cool ted vids at http://www.ted.com

I've finally caught the TED bug! I have mainly 2 ideas in incubation...maybe I can bring them to Interesthink...

1. After watching all these new interface demonstration, i think i am thinking of a similar concept for ideas. For example, how do I map out all of the ideas for all the TED conferences? Suppose I could, supposing I want to see synergy between different areas and bring them together? How do I do that? Using tags and other cool interface processes, bunch them together, like the Bumptop thingy, since it'll be a while for that multi-touch interface... Its going be the same for my knowledge network, if I want to see commonalities between my books, how ideas lead and contribute to one another... Its like, I take a book, I identify its main subject of concern, using tags and such, and see how other books with similar tags can be linked together. Using this method, I then link authors together, using the common ideas that they share through their books... Its individual research... Its like what Hans Rosling does with stats, like all these information, there is a need to present them in more graphical views so people can make better sense of it. Grok me?

2. Open source learning. I've learned so much from TED, and I'm wondering, how to push the leading edge to our kids? I'm particularly blown away by Hans Rosling - Gapminder is a miracle! - but there is that constant need to relook syllabus, relook the NONSENSE that we are teaching our kids! For example, the thing that we no longer have that First World/Third World dichotomy. Its pure nonsense - its becoming ideology, and WE ARE TEACHING OUR KIDS THAT NONSENSE! I can't stand it! Especially secondary school! How do we teach the leading edge to our kids? Of course, we can't just give them laptops, they'll probably surf porn or some other nonsense. How do we make education leading edge? I think thats one of the biggest question for our tech-enabled lives!

not much to talk about.. 30th dec 2007

Already the year is coming to its darn end. 2008 is a year of many new beginnings, and in some areas can't wait to get to 2008.

Just got my ipod touch, and loving TED vids like crazy. Takes away the reading. just want to find out whats happening at the cutting edge of things. Its simply amazing, like the presentations for photosynth - using 2-d photographs to create a 3-d modl. its damn cool. and there are still so many cutting-edge ideas. TED is ... beyond words... its... even better than the nobel, i suppose. to be awarded the TED prize... thats... even better than the nobel... in terms of influence...

anyway, been going through some things... like, how do you balance the individual with the community? a lot of my weekends are going to spend with myself not doing my own things, and there are really some things that have to be done on sats... oh well

and the fact that i haven't actually ord.. dang.

been pulled in many different directions suck...

23rd december 2007 ... xmas is near... the new year is near...

The past week has been eventful. Wonderful news, and many things to do. There is what monster would call the Revoluxion though its his nonsense. I am working on some social change thingy, and.. we are all preparing for events next year.

stayed at shaun koh's house. lovely place. wish i had a room this big. or maybe i have it already. haha. anyway. it'll be great for me to have my own com. but see how larh. not sure about getting a desktop now. or even a laptop though i'm fixed about the games i want to buy and play. here it goes:

dawn of war: warhammer 40k
winter assault
dark crusade
76.9

supreme commander forged alliance
50.90

and... company of heroes opposing fronts
50.90

thinking of getting cnc first decade because my generals zero hour cd becoming real bad.
76.9

so altogether, its a painful 280 bucks. and i dun really have that kind of money. should really be getting disc protector or something like that. oh well.

anyway, pancake day is really moving forward now, i think, now that we've settled somethings, however some issues still remain outstanding. but in time, all of these will be fixed. so there's really nothing left for me to do.

hey! finally contacted School of Thought. Hope to be working there. and dreaming of getting paid even though its been explicitly stated there that it will be on a voluntary basis... but... anything is possible. hopefully i can do enough good work there to convince them i am deserving of some payment. hee.

and something closer... meeting more people to get things moving, even on the spiritual level. Lord, its not a coincidence that i met bernise and syinc and the people there, it is not a coincidence that i am in chew qi's cell. Lord, all of these... surely it is part of Your plan for me, somehow. so Lord, lead the way... though i am afraid of venturing into the world of mature adults, Lord, it is surely part of Your plan...

16th december 2007 many things a-swirling in me head

first of all, i'm kinda messed up. like my priorities... which sucks. some family stuff and that shtupid super continent of a pancake which somehow always gets bigger. and... not much else. there is really a lot going on... like the same old feelings of feeling trapped at home, but outside with wings still unable to fly. with my co-conspirator still away on holiday, and well... its just not nice when the partner is unavailable...

and with all these things, i'm temporarily done with girls...

and arrh! its so sad.... the only mac laptop that can play cnc3 costs 3000! aaargh! so sad...

dear God, my family is in Your hands. i trust in You.

looking ever more to the new year. get that pancake thing over and done with, go to uni, study hard... do whatever i'm supposed to do... somehow get married (hah!)...

not really sure if there's anything else... i guess thats all for now... the world, wait for Eddie! muahahahahaha!

church retreat! rocks! 8th december 2007

had a very good 2 night 1 day retreat. learnt a lot of things about being a facilitator, learning to let things flow and trying not to intervene too much, to let people learn lessons for themselves. the retreat was more for the younger kids who are learning of the terms unity and responsibility and even maturity. Pushing them at this young age made me kinda uncomfortable, but had to show tough love, letting them learning the lessons now...

was spoken to man occassions, and its just true, that we need to learn the mission of the church as a whole, as a body of Christ, that the small and big pictures should be aligned or even the same.

oh, and the social change agenda? turns out it isn't so much about the social change itself, but about those changemakers, aligning our heart for social change with our heart for Christ - only then can there be real change...

7th december 2007 happy december!

Been busy recently, helping melvin at lifeskills enrichment, and helping shaun with his Pangea Day thing, which is cool.

re-took my personality test using the DISC thing, and found out I'm actually D-C which isn't really surprising considering what i've been actually like all this while at NS.

met carene again! its amazing. and i've been like silently praying to see her. God answers prayer, in strange ways. and now, i can safely say i've gotten over my obsession over her, so... heck it... its just so frustrating sometimes to be talking to these young people, so full of promise, so full of potential, all of it just waiting to be realised, and talking to them, and the picture is that of uncertainty and some anxiety, with no clear goals... errgh... 'its useless to plan for these things when the results aren't out yet'... there's simply no clear vision for their lives. VISION!

what is it about our society that makes them so... blase about their lives? VISION! our young people today need VISION!

God, whats the vision you have for me, for us? for singapore?

2nd december 2007 its a sunday and i get to slack!

haha.. its been a nice weekend, except for a disappointment or 2. dang.

oh well. i bought CNC3, BUT MY COM CAN'T PLAY IT. sucks. went to faog, and collected my books and felt more than awkward there, but was really very much refreshed by the worship and sermon there, and just brought me back to focus. 2 weeks without the Word is really... like starvation, and i felt myself just spiritually hungry again.

i find myself being an ill-disciplined slob at home. can't focus on my writing at home. don't know why. maybe because of zero hour and wanting to finish playing all the skirmish maps. maybe gaming is more of a problem than i realise for me. but really, it isn't my life. i want to write. i should get my butt out and seat in a nice cozy place wherever it might be.

so i'm reading about social problems from a christian perspective. which helps a lot in bringing my focus back.

i'm slowly drifting into that kind of mood where IT. JUST. DOESN'T. MATTER. AS. LONG. AS. YOU. KNOW. IT'S. RIGHT. but of course it has to be God-led.

talked to shaun koh and he has all these fun and exciting ideas... and i'm just... there... helping him. haha. if he sets up a company i'm going to buy shares in it. haha.

really feeling weird and a little bit surreal being at home. need to get out more. maybe buy a new com for that matter! haha.

meeting people, giving them the tags with their name on it to various friends. so many people, so little time. arh well.

think i'll be getting back to writing - especially about the difference between big churches and small churches. having a theme always helps getting back into focus. and if i can be done by x'mas, all the more fitting for TOC - (online mag i contribute to every now and then). hee. then i'll ask people - what makes them tick? - . but thats all for the future, and hopefully i'll get to writing them. if. i. remain. interested. enough. ...

28th november 2007. finally, some slack time

Its been a surreal 15 days. Today I just went to PS, but it was only yesterday that I left the airport for Singapore. All of these happened just a fortnight ago, yet it seemed as though an entire lifetime had elapsed. How weird.

I don't think there is anything much to say about the whole exercise, sure, some things could be better, but things have ended... we were very blessed to be training in cooling weather, and after all the exercises, I believed us whole bunch enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. Once all the tough parts are gone, there is the wonderful R&R... haha. everyday canteen, eating, and not much drinking. haha.

Thank God there were computers and internet there. could talk to people, and had a wondeful online conversation with some friend. What do you call the people you hardly meet but can instantly talk as if old friends? Its weird too.

Happy memories? Not quite. But enough to get by.

Everytime I talk about what I do after ORD, I get high. No need alcohol or drugs, just plain jubilation and elation, like that time I received the acceptance letter from USP. wooh!

1. Help Melvin and learn.

2. Keep fit and play frisbee

3. Continue to give tuition

4. Do some community work somehow or = (1)

5. Save for European backpacking for somewhen...

6. Do some writing

(5) keeps me drooling always. can't wait for (1). (6) will wait. when ALL OF THESE is over. then I'll do a real thorough evaluation of NS.

12th november 2007... today i fly to thailand, but before i do...

i just came back from watching 'Lions for Lambs'. It was slow, there was lots of talk, the movie reviews weren't that fantastic, but what the heck. I found myself in the seat of the political science student in the movie talking with the prof... suddenly i feel like studying political science but then again, maybe i'll just take it as a minor. at the end of the day, its what you do, ain't it? oh well.

anyway, here's a letter i wrote to people concerned about me...

I'm writing this because Melvin said he was worried about all the
cynicism that was in my writing. I didn't actually realise it at
first, I felt totally different when I was writing all those emails.
Well, about my latest one, that was just from personal experiences.
Not dwelling too much on that, well, my family is like this
suffocating environment, being too much concerned about the usual
stuff, like making sure that we don't get into trouble outside even
though we're all grown up... That was sort of a personal perspective.
And about the languages, about English and dialects, well, that was an
observation about the fact that well, Singapore society has its haves
and have-nots, and its pretty much defined by how much ang-moh is
spoken at home, I mean, look at the richest families, and they have
the sort of 'pedigree'. And all my cynicism about Singapore, about
PAP, about NS? The cynicism is just a phase, but beneath it all, there
is like a constant fire burning all the time - its all getting so
cliche I feel so embarrassed to say it all. Why am I so cynical about
the intentions of PAP, about our society?

Because I think that, and Melvin agrees, that we live in a
material-driven society today, where most people define success by the
money they make, by the car they have. We have become a
material-centred society today, instead of the people-centred society
that we should be. I think thats why I'm so cynical about PAP, about
NS, because, I personally cannot feel their people-centredness. Thats
why every now and then, I think about whether the people behind PAP,
are they really concerned about Singapore, or are they concerned about
their status and jobs.

I think all cynics were concerned at one point or another, then they
got disillusioned and lost their belief. Thats not happening to me,
and not yet for a long time. At the centre of all of these is simply
that drive to want people to change their material-driven mindset, and
hopefully to redefine their definitions of success, in terms like,
legacy, for the benefit of others, and something else I can't recall.

'Be all things to all people'. What I learn is that people don't want
religion - they don't really care if there's a Jesus who promises them
eternal life. Maybe they are too stuck on being material driven they
don't realise they need relationships and everything else that makes
life fulfiling and meaningful.

That is why I'm writing all of these - the things that I've been
writing about, the 'tradition-bounded family', about the nurse from
China, about the coffeeshop cook - all of these are part of the
society that has failed to become people-centred, and in some sense,
all of us are suffering as a result.

In the end, only Jesus can do all of these, only He can make that difference...

So here I am, going to thailand...

11th november 2007 dispatches from the heartland?

I'm not sure if this is entirely valid, but once again, another idea?

This is a bit kind of personal, but I'm thinking that this phenomenon
is a real thing and its happening in many lives in Singapore. I call
this, the 'tyranny of the Tradition Bounded Family (TBF)'. And the
source of the tragedy is what happens when a member of the family
decides to leave or even forsake all the tradition, and finding
themselves crumbling under the weight of tradition bearing down on
them. The pain and drama that inevitably happens when individuals
decide they no longer relate to that identity and find new ones that
clashes with the old...

From another perspective, I believe that the preservation of this
group is one of the objectives of the PAP. Once this group withers
away, the traditions of our current society that has maintained the
PAP's dominance will wither away as well. Hopefully, this will lead to
something good - finally, a citizenry truly free enough to feel and
act on their freedoms to really think and participate in the social
and political processes of our country.

But what traditions am I referring to? Tradition - the environment of
ideas we grew up in, the rituals of worship, of the dialects, of the
customs of everyday...

There are so many intangibles in Singapore society but they seemed to
be all papered over and not explored further.

The fact is that dialect is the overwhelming choice of language at
home. Its small wonder that both our chinese/indian/malay/english are
really sort of bastardized. But why is that the case despite batches
of English education? Our education of English created a generation of
sort-of 'pidgin' speakers who in turn passed it on to their children.
Or at least thats what I think.

I think in the end, has anyone really bothered to look beyond the
surface of everyday Singapore life?

9th november 2007 sketches and ideas of daily singapore life...

just some sketches and ideas.
- - -
Today I went down to the coffeshop to buy dinner and saw the cooksgoing about their work. Maybe we've watched too many dramas aboutcooking and chefs - all the lofty ideals and philosophizing and allthe painstaking details of food that leave us all drooling in themouths after an episode... But then you look at how these coffeeshopcooks go about their business and you begin to throw away all thosenotions. You look at their perspiration, their strong tough forearmsforged by the heat and steam, and from the countless hours wieldingthat do-all ladle, all the stiring, and you begin to get a different perspective about their lives. They work in cramp quarters - to the front is the stove and the cooking, to their back, the ingredients andcondiments. Here, there is hardly any thought about the taste of foodor any of the so called higher ideals'. Here, probably the onlythought is if the food is 'alright' and looks decent enough to beserved. And in their cramp kitchen they work long hours, standing fromend to end, hardly taking any breaks. No, this is definitely not theelite type of foodstalls where the queue spills out of the coffeeshop,this is the average cook trying to earn a living.

Here is survival, here is living the everyday, without us intellectsand our lofty ideals...
- - -
This evening I watched a wonderful documentary about a saintly mothernurturing her angels. About how she nurtures her children in anenvironment of altruism and charity. And her youngest daughter -awww... so adorable, giving sweets and dumplings to the people aroundher! Obviously, not many families do this in Singapore - sure, we tryto inculcate the usual family values about giving and sharing, but Idon't think parents would push this far as to do all these.Inevitably, comparisons surface, and I'm led to wonder about theparenting in Singapore, and how it has created and reinforced thesocial fabric - in whatever state it is now. It causes me to question,like why Singapore is the way it is, where levels of volunteerismcould definitely be higher, and why we don't have a socially activecitizenry. Is this due to our parenting? And if so, I wonder about thesocial environment that created the pattern of parenting today as usedby the baby-boomers - and how it has led to our society today.

(bearing in mind that parenting is the imprinting of ideas and valueson the young and very moldable mind)
- - -
Maids are now an integral part of our lives and society. But just howinterested are we in their welfare and their lives? I suppose fewactually listen to their stories back home in the Philippines orIndonesia or wherever else they might come from - and how they havemade the tremendous adjustment to living here, or how they even gothere in the first place. And how they are working to pay off any debtsor obligations back home, and how they are living here. About how theywork everyday, interacting with their families and how they mitigatehomesickness, finding friends, or even the seedier activities they getthemselves involved in. And how they spend their free times hangingaround Orchard Road, setting up their urban picnics...
- - -
The clans-associations of olden Chinese immigrants of ourgreat-grandfathers, grandfathers and fathers are really just dinosaursawaiting their eventual demise. Because these things are beingreplaced by our new forms of social networks - Facebook, MySpace andFriendster, along with Google and Yahoo. The rituals of these oldsocial networks are being replaced by ours - the banquet whereeveryone sees each other isn't exactly required when we can all seeeach other via web conferences. Moreover, we, the young, educated andhighly mobile now have something else to fall back on - the alumnus,something actually tradition in itself but constantly being rejuvenated by the web and all.

Eventually, these clans-associations of the previous generation willwither away, and few will mourn its passing. Perhaps in time, theywill morph into something else, into elderly-support communitiesperhaps.

Many of the traditions in the Chinese communities will also graduallywither away, as subsequent generations gradually move on into thegreater world outside beyond the boundaries of old mindsets...

4th november 2007 whoa... it was all over?

I reproduce a letter I sent to a friend.

Heyah,

its been a while since I last heard from you. How are things over on your side? Overseas? Where are you now?

I'm not sure what to say. So much has happened to you yet for some reason, you wouldn't tell me. Well, I would really like to know whats been going ion...

I'm actually embarking on a writing project, and its a complicated thing. Its a story about our lives in Singapore, and would like to know of your life story, that is, if you don't mind. Of course, what you tell me stays with me.

I still stick with what I said a while ago - please, don't live a life merely defined by everyday practical needs, or guided by pragmatism. Always look up - He will enrich your life beyond your wildest dreams...

You already know, I'm still in NS, but its no longer that far away till the end of it. I have already told you much about what I do - all the demolitions, the hard, back breaking work of digging, the poor organisation, of the commanders - but you probably have already realised that all these aren't the only things. There is the dreary boredom that saps the life out of us, the hours merely standing and waiting for things to happen, where the only thing that keeps us sane is that far-off hope that everything is going to be over soon - that being a lie we have to convince ourselves in order to keep going. All that I've experienced can't be put neatly into words, words simply fail to describe the fullness of our NS experience. These are the endless days in bunk, doing training under the hot sun, full of perspiration - these are the endless nights digging our shellscrapes, and other holes in the ground, digging, filling up sandbags, walking with our gear, under the moonlight, the stars, or the clouds. There is still so much to write about. So many words to say that can't be spoken.

But all of these, all of these will end, and then finally, the joyous daybreak of freedom from the endless night of oppression.

And after that, onward to mym dreams. Everytime I think about this fact, I feel a lot happier. I'm still thinking, whether to be a chemist or a writer ,or try to do both. But on another level, I'm thinking about life-work, the stuff you do that defines your life, who you are, more than anything else. Do you think of this?

We all know the truth, that Singapore, is really, too small for our dreams.

But even that is peripheral to the goal we have to simply make life better for the people around us, our community, and even beyond, to the world.

Maybe I'm too stuck on all these, but I can't think of another way to live my life.

Then there are those who live each day getting by on what they have. Our friends who strive to make a career, go up the ladder of success, who participate this endless rat race striving for fame and comfortable life - well, if they are smart enough, if they are talented enough, if they are hardworking enough, they'll get to where they want to be. But I do hope you understand why I'm telling you all these - the rat race is for them, not for you. Their means - this rat race that consumes their soul, if for their end - and what is their end? Thats the thing, they have no real ends. I hope eventually you'll find an end worth your life, and join not their race, but your own.

I guess these sort of thing might be too young for us only starting our lives, but I hope its not too late for you to sidestep this trap that so many others have sunken into.

I'm sorry, but these words are the only things I can give you. So yeah...

Take lotsa care! God bless!

eddie.shiqin

Can't believe that I actually went through a 24km route march. and we were singing and singing, and i was doing the leading. i remembered that at the finishing stretch, the fence seemed endless, and all of us were at the end of our ropes, or so it seemed. and then, we walked right back into civilisation and suddenly, our voices became clear and strong, and focused, and we finished on a high note, literally. so thank God.

this is is the weekend before 'the training overseas which everyone knows but cannot say - how stupid is that'. so anyway, money seems to be bleeding from my wallet, buying and buying things, to patch up the insecurity and the anxiety in me. but other than that, there is nothing more and nothing less.

loving tom wolfe and george orwell...

29th october 2007 some stuff

on sunday, i ran for 15km against doc's orders and almost had a fever. on saturday, i met my 'neighbour' purely out of accident. which isn't a real neighbour, we just stay on adjacent blocks. is that close enough? haha.

today was just rest day. feels like a caged pampered animal at home. tired of parental restraintss, as usual - maybe could be part of larger story i'm writing. meanwhile, reading george orwell for writing references.

having fun lots on World In Conflict - gotta be the best games i've been playing. absolutely fantastic. tactical control - where the way you look matters whether you win/lose. absolute supreme coolness.


having turnarounds and attitude adjustments on singapore-related angst. changing angle. lots to be rewritten. oh well

some thoughts i had today 20th october 2007

Activism

Ultimately, whatever we do for the sake for activism is not merely for the sake of an idea or cause. People should always remain in the centre of things. Those who are interested in activism really have to care for the people around them, be interested in their lives, in their futures. Do you care for the education that the children go through, about the Singapore that they will grow up in. Do you care for the old, how they will live in their retirement? Do you care for your friends and the future that they will share with you? Do you care for the ordinary Singaporeans working, wanting to make the life better for their children?

If we have no choice but to have 2 Singaporeans, then I can only ask that the elites be compassioned, in their thoughts and their actions. At least the barons of America's early years reinvested in their own countries and founded education and other social institutions...Are they willing to listen and act for the lives of the majority of Singaporeans? Are ordinary Singaporeans willing to stand up and be counted?

I talked to some Chinese people, talked a bit, and that set my mind wondering - how do those people who lived in supposed oppressed country - how would they think of Singapore?

This is what I think, just wild guesses, thought experiments...

"This is a much freer country. At least here people don't get arrested for writing rants against the government. At least there's open religious worship. At least I can sleep free at night and people won't come knocking on the door to arrest me. And everything is still orderly and works. At least people here don't burn the mosques or temples or churches."

some random talk to some china woman

Sometimes I do very, very, very, random things, and talking to total strangers is one of them...



This evening I had quite a conversation with an elderly day nurse. She's from China and she was asking me for directions. I don't know her name, never asked for it, for convenience lets just call her Xiaomin. We were waiting for the same bus just outside a posh condo near the Singapore River. Anyway, I began to ask questions about her (sometimes I like to talk to random strangers). Questions about her, about her family.

-

I saw this woman outside the bus stop, a little bit anxious, fidgety, looking at the bus number. I merely sat down. I had seen the bus that had only just left, and so knew it was going to be a long wait. She approached me, and in her heavily accented English, asked me whether the bus stopped at any MRT station. I said yes, then pointed to the bus guide and pointed to her Aljunied station. And then she sat down, still anxious. I'm a pretty random guy and there was a long wait (IRIS said 17mins), so I began chatting with her.

I actually told her that I could speak Chinese - that started everything. Oh, so she was actually here working as a day nurse for an elderly. She's been here for 2 years, and she didn't really have to keep extending her social visit pass because the hospital she was attached to was doing all these for her. Back in China she was a fully qualified staff nurse, and having to come here meant a demotion job wise. But the money was good. Here she could earn $1k per month, a sizable income compared to what she was earning back in China. Her lodging was a condo in Ang Mo Kio was all paid for, and she didn't even have to pay rent. Stayed with 3 others, 2 from Myanmar and the third also from China. The work was all they did, mostly staying at home, hardly went out. She knew that her workplace was posh, the family that she was working for had told her that most families wouldn't be afford such a condo. And Xiaomin herself knew that only rich families could afford to hire people like her.

She told me that people like her was in high demand - she had read the papers about Singapore's aging population and had understood the demand. And Chinese nationals like her were in high demand - most of the families were Chinese themselves. She spoke of her training, that she had passed from nursing institutes in China and was officially registered in Singapore hospital as well. In other words, she was a professional nurse and it showed. She compared herself with others who were doing the same job but coming from other countries, and commented that most of them were really poor and weren't properly trained - they don't have the education and the training whereas she was a genuine professional. And she knew, demand for people like her would surely rise.

She was married and had a boy of 7, growing up back home in Xian, where she told me that the 4 seasons were distinct. Summers were really hot, and winters were cold, unlike Singapore which didn't have any seasons to speak of. She wanted to bring her boy here in Singapore, and knew of the challenges of adapting to Singapore's education system. Yet, her boy was learning English back home, and yes, it was hard, since there was hardly any English speakers back. She knew of those who were of Pri 6 standard, yet had to start in pri 4 because of English. And your husband? I asked. She merely smiled. I had hit upon a sensitive question, so didn't probe further. She wanted to give her boy a chance in life. No, Xian was too inland, too backward, too little opportunities. When she could, she wanted to tear her China passport and get PR status. Maybe even citizenship, I thought.

Then I asked about the family she was working for. Oh, the place where she was working is actually the home of the youngest of three daughters. She was married, but they had no kids. It must be pressuring, she said, to be owning such a home, having to fork out so much every month for the mortgage. Must be the reason why they don't have kids. Such a home costs at least a million, right? Well in China, all you need is a roughly that amount and you'll be set for retirement in the countryside. Lower costs, yet still the same quality of life. I had said that my parents sometimes thought of retiring in some countryside in China. Yes, that would make sense too, she thought. And then she said, she would go back to China if only to retire.

In her way, she's living the Singapore dream, or even pursuing her happiness. Would Singapore welcome her with open arms? Singapore is the way it is, and even growing, her skyscrapers built on the foundations of immigrant labour.

The next time I talk to some stranger I'll write about it.



I don't know why, but my heart sometimes just simply burns...

13th october 2007

its been a wonderful day. hung out with my couple friends, hopefully wasn't the gooseberry, never seemed liked it, got a wonderful present for them, so i'll have to return them the favour and write wonderful stuff for them both.

and today, i discovered books - new books about life and living - hopefully they'll add new perspectives. i've realised that writers have to read more than most people, simply because they can't possibly be living different lives all the time. one day they are in this character, the next line they are writing about another writer. its amazing that writers don't suffer from schizo/bipolar or any of those weird sounding mental problem. writers have to read a lot more, live more - because they have to experience new things for their imagination... or at least i'm trying to. am i really fighting against those impulses to live those... lives? nah. i don't want to, so i have to find ways to substitute for those experiences. which is the hard part. its hard to be a writer...

today i bought graylings and his... meaning, mystery, heart, reason of things... and then... thomas pynchon's against the day, then jack kerouac's on the road... since i can't possibly be smoking pot or time travel back to the hippies, those are the nearest equivalents. coupled with heinlein's harsh mistress...

nah.. it'll be still extremely hard to write out a story about everyday lives. especially singapore's lives.

everyday, to me, the facade of singapore living breaks a little. and the truth keeps dripping out, like an acid that corrodes the facade. and everyday, man in white uniforms try to paint over the corrosion, again and again...

6th october 2007

today was alright. lunch with melvin is always alright. like an elder brother, someone who knows me so well. haha. new attitude: do unto others what others want you do unto them. other than that, there was more, but then, the rest should be kept somewhere else, not on the blog. had my first tuiton. haha. not sure if i was any help though. guess the tutor is just there to enforce the poor guy to do work.

finally get to writing my singapore life story. in between i'll be reading russian authors, now high on dostoyevsky... slowly will be writing bits and pieces of singapore. maybe i'll have to read notes from small island...

saikang... army... sigh... it really is subtle. i didn't even realised it until melvin pointed it out. its so easy to give in to the system and just follow through like a zombie. and then there are the different types of people and the different ways to deal with them... will have to be refreshed everyday...

wearing ankle weights, hurray!

as i'm typing, my ankles are being strapped with weights. and i'm back to reading War and Peace after a what, 2-year? hiatus?

i've been looking at how my friends have changed. naturally, i think about how i've changed. i dunno, not much, except that i'm rapidly losing my fire for the things that used to interest me so much. Politics... haha. it used to be my life, and now and laugh and cringe a little when i said i wanted to be a political analyst. but i know i still can be one. i got bored of politics after i realised that it was all the same, after a while. it just sucks that there's no way we can all get back to 'where we were'... many things poison the world, and power is one poison from which the world might never recover from.

as for physics, i'm through with fantasizing that i'm gonna be a nobel one day, so thats that. i have higher chances with chemistry, haha... but who am i kidding...

i'm through with the human sciences - sociology, economics, politics (just mentioned)... i leave these to the genuine experts.

and biology? of genetics, human ethics, consciousness, evolutionary psychology... heck it larh.

and can i finally say that i'm through with fantasies of the female kind? haha...

so yeah. i'm bored. bored. bored. bored. bored...

and now i find comfort and solace in corrine may's beautiful seed. the album is truly beautiful.

i used to swore that i'll prevent gulags and holocausts from happening if i could help it. but now, i can't. without the oxygen of support, the candle of activism can hardly burn. so the flame flickers now.

29th september 2007

i guess i've led a largely tame, boring, uninteresting life, when compared to others. i guess so because of the lives i've seen others led. haha. their lives sure sounds more fun than mine. all the clubbing, band-ing, canoeing, all their challenges, fun and... relationships... i guess these are the things that make a person genuinely mature - socially. maybe its what makes lives tick - you know, just go astray... but thats precisely where its also most dangerous, unfortunately. a little going off astray and suddenly your life just becomes worse off somehow. or something totally unexpected.

or maybe a boring, uninteresting, dull life is what others think is close to perfection, simple days of mugging and playing... i dunno. i've got hardly a life and space for myself. overprotected and overpampered - spoilt. haha.

i look at my past acquaintances and just cannot believe that life can take such huge turns for some of these people. if you were to guess at our lives plainly from PSLE results, then you would have expected a linear progression for most of these people, that some of them, would have eventually gone on to... say, university and other higher studies. but of course, like i said, life takes huge turns for some of them... some of them fall out along the wayside, while some others managed to hold onto their paths. so the old cliche remains, its not what you are, its the choices you make. this is how the worst sinners can still go to heaven - by a choice.

been reading about gulag. and i'm appalled about the inhumanity of the gulags as it existed in leninist and stalinist times.. so i thank God for the life i've here, thats at least superficially free, that there aren't any arbitrary arrests unless there's genuine evidence, that although sometimes political lawsuits can be exaggerated, but still there those politicians bother to explain despite the genuine stupidity of their claims.

military service and its paranoia of self-image. its plain stupid. if everyone knows the truth about how bad it is, why still bother maintaining an image? it is the truth after all, but guess the truth hurts some more than others, and its just unfortunate that the 'some' happens to be rather important stakeholders in the system. so like an institution where the people begin to bother about their own survival rather than the growth of their own instititution... - rent-seeking behaviour, isn't that what it is, in cheem-sounding economic lingo?

23rd september 2007

tomorrow is the start of ex bear 2. we've been through bear once, last year... and this time... we don't know what to expect...

maybe because now i'm playing a RPG, with all its quests, i wonder if RPG are so successful because of its use of quests as a storyline. but what the heck - i'm no game expert. anyway, just thought of an interesting parallel between RPGs and life. is life just a sum of quests in a larger story? we choose our life paths, and strive to complete the required quests. hahaha.

recently been talking to a friend i've met since childhood, only actually, recently since i thought of all my childhood friends. some of those who had a promising future just... i don't know why, just... fell by the wayside... some of them live broken lives now. ... ...

there isn't much more for me to talk about, other than the same few things. so i'm bored. i get bored too easily...

20th september 2007

i dun feel so good. feverish. sucks. still recovering. and not going to recover soon. stayed the whole day at home just to recover. aww man...having a stupid blister on my foot. and an exercise next week... aww man... oh well...

16th september 2007

finished a horrid live-firing exercise, horrid not because the exercise itself sucked, but horrid because of the mosquitoes. there are whole patches of bites on my arms, back and legs, and after some treatment, my back looks like it got painted... and its still itching...

nope, we are not getting welfare, saturday was the live-firing, and i'm booking in later tonight already. oh well.

the only plus point tho was that i managed to catch a sentry position where i could face the sea and look at the shore opposite. that was cool. and some fancy equipment - which unfortunately didn't work...

anyway, hope with the purchase of the thigh pouch, i would have satisfied my desire for military-inspired bags and pouches. whoopee.

been reading russian authors. and its really amazing... their level of observation and detail, as if it were all true in itself. i wonder, how come russian authors could write like that during the 19th century... and what are their equivalents, if any in the present day? finished with dostoyevsky's brothers karamazov and now moving on to tolstoy's anna karenina. and after that, i'll be finally continuing on with war and peace...

these few days have been.... eventful, even without the exercise. there were surprise nights out and other actually-insignificant events, and everything just... merged into one blur even as i try to remember it. as in, i cannot believe that all of these happened entirely within the space of one week. woah.

i feel so... sigh... lack of a social life. army aside. maybe thats why i may secretly harbour an actual liking for army because i'm with people. haha. that would be a major joke.

things aside, really been falling by the wayside. too busy reading russian authors. led by the spirit...... what does it exactly entail? arrrrgh....

New Creation's news of their church...
its just sorta offensive to some people that churches should be this rich and this ostentatious with their wealth... ... ... ... arh well...

7th september 2007

i'm at home today due to off, but i'll have to back in camp tomorrow for office duty. arh well. can't have everything. anyway, it sucks when the heart feels like crying but tears won't flow from the eyes.

been trying to find old friends from friendster. found a few, and will continue as my memories chance upon them.

and when i do find them and see how much they've changed, and then you can't relate to them at all. friends fade away into mere acquaintances in the background, just another character chanced upon. the feeling of closeness is already gone, and you don't feel any sadness because... they're no longer there, like they never existed before. but they do! and you feel sad, because... you lost them......

training is becoming tough again, with all these route marches and all the going around in circles and circles and more circles. its really very mental mental mental. and now i'm nursing this painful blister on my feet. OUCH.

other than that, there ain't nothing much, as usual.

5th september 2007

suddenly, typing the words bring so much joy, because it sounds so much like end of the year and end of the year coincides with my ORD... haha. how fast. how slow. what silly contradictions.

oh well. lotsa things happened, but those were the usual things, so there isn't much to be said. just that right now, i'm high on reading novels, was at orson scott card, now at robert heinlein, and then, just a little of literature in dostoevsky...

was at army open house, and beyond the fun stuff, there ain't much anymore. still, it attracted a little of the mil-geek in me... anyway, bought this rucksack so it wasn't a total loss anyway.

discovered my bro's PSP with this mindless game ... haha...

met my childhood friend, suddenly felt a little attracted towards her, but then that was that. the feelings's subsided so it doesn't really matter after all. and found more friends... haha...oh well...

the week was long, but the weeks will be longer still...

24th august 2007

moral isn't as high as before. there is only enduring pain and struggle in the coming weeks. but all of these will still be nothing. i live in a world of indifference, and i might as well be living an indifferent life. even surrounded by indifferent people. and the few companions i have are silence and God, and there's nothing much between the 2. all i feel - the sadness, the pain, the stress of being, of unacceptance and helplessness... arh well...

19th august 2007

its sorta unusual for me to blog on sunday. but what the heck.

this few weeks, seems that a message is being told to me from on high. like big G wants to teach me - its not about how one person is better than the rest, its about how the whole group can work together. Its not about the individual, its about the community. Its not about which section is doing more or less, its about how the whole platoon can work together. Its not about which platoon is working harder or better than the rest, its about how the whole company can work together. Its is only when we are able to let go of ourselves can we then realise this message. It is something that we'll learn one way or the other in our lives. It really isn't about ourselves. Its about everyone else, including us. Until and unless we realise that fact, we will forever think ourselves as victims.

oh well.

I'm really tired of the indifference of others. They refuse to see into themselves and realise that the change they can make in their own lives and in the lives of others. but if they have chosen, i can only persuade. oh Lord. their lives are in Your hands...

12th august 2007

today i went to service! hahaha. didn't know why or how, but i just suddenly on an impulse decided to just drop by. so yeah! it was great. and i am beginning to re-evaluate the nature of relationships. relationships are not just about sharing things common with one another, its about the sharing of lives, of helping each other. so yeah. its not about what i can take from you, but what we can bring for each other. so kennedy-esque. maybe should get a book about kennedy.. haha. oh well. thank God for today!

11th august 2007

i love this day. every second of it.

i woke up late, at 0830. was suppose to have been up an hour earlier. but no matter. i woke up, showered, took some bread, and came out of the house.

at 0930 i reached harbourfront mac, and only saw a few people, but its fine. class gatherings always start late, but end fine. anyway, and so a few of us started playing frisbee on the beach, and that was then i started to have a tan. should've taken off my singlet for a more uniform tan. haha.

then i left for lunch, for congre at tct at bukit merah. great, great time. to rest, 5000, transfiguration, boy's healing... lessons to learn. leadership, faith, confidence.come, take, learn - gentleness, humility... sin vs grace, accusation vs humility, so many things. always, always, pray. i need to believe, that it is God who sees me as who He thinks i am, circumstances and people aside. Psalm 139... i am wonderfully made. yes, there is still things that need to be done in me, but as i believe, things will work out. so yeah...

then back for more beaching at sentosa. running in the sand is very difficult, and i didn't realise that it was so. i was sprinting, but i probably didn't realised. and now i'm tired.

and then.. it was rush hour 3. fun show. haha. rocks.

i now have an idea on what to do every saturday. spend the mornings at the beach, do some running, then go vivo hang out. wooh! that would be perfect! haha!

10th august 2007

i am angry about a few things. like how people seem to take me for granted. like, trying to live in an indifferent world... makes me angry. being in the family and their suffocating choke-hold. i'm angry about living in an indifferent society, with indifferent people, living their indifferent lives, like they couldn't care less. i'm extremely angry. i need martin luther king, and i definitely need God. i'm sure they were both angry people. but their anger was based on God's own love. longsuffering patience - what a trait.

when people talk about the things they are passionate about, they really talk like they're very angry, really agitated, really excited. i used to have such feelings, but they are all fading away... and only anger remains. is it self-centredness? maybe it is. oh well.

i'm angry, about the near-lies we are being told about. the truth so skewed it has no appearance to the truth at all. all the empty talk about the bright wonderful future. but seriously...the shackles are still with us. we aren't living in greater freedom, no identity, -faith, what faith?-... oh well... patriotism, whats that? what we can do for our country? ... no, our country tells us what to do. thanks, kennedy, wish you were right here. haha. God bless Ameri-..., no, Singapore.

i am tired. of inconsistent leadership, of contradictions and tired rhetoric. i am jaded, tired... of restraints and bounded mentalities. but not for freedom for my own sake, ultimately, it is still for Him. Lord. help me.

contradictions 4th/5th august 2007

tonight i realised some stuff.

something happened, unfortunately for the worse. whereas in the past i could take all the bad in without so much as a sigh, now i respond with spite, anger and violence - verbal, and perhaps even physical. this shouldn't be happening. but why? frustration? isolation? ...Oh Lord, Your peace, grace, peacefulness, honour, even suffering... 'i suffer because i suffer for Christ' - what happened to that? now is the time for repentance... 'with Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm'... in His name i rebuke all these - anger, violence, spite... these things have no place in my life!

commanders setting example? hmm... models of leadership? how do subordinates work when the function of leadership is... not working? how can i still serve my leaders when they don't work?

if every year there is a theme, how can we see the longer-term visions? if there is a strategy, how is it being accomplished every year?

oh well.

1st august 2007

its been not-too-fun, these past few days. ran 7km yesterday at macritchie, and it nearly broke my will. running fast is not my thing after all. i'm more used to longer distances and slower speeds. anyway, the prayer thingy the church is doing created a strange new opportunity. the excuse to pray for others allowed me to keep back in touch some people whom i haven't heard for a while. so its all fun and all.

i keep thinking of this phrase, 'stood in the gap'. hmm... how christians are standing between the gap between eternal life and death...

these days have been empty of thought. basically reading watchman nee and nothing else.

this is kinda stupid, that i feel sorta anxious that i'll be turning 20 soon. feels really old, man. like time is running out to do something. hah. stupid feeling. the frustrating thing is that i'm turning 20 in camp. Aaargh! hahaha. nah.. not such a big deal. age is nothing, just a number... arh well. doing stupid things recently, like sudoku and learning to write with my left hand. haha... arh well. bored and nothing much to do. off is ending. sigh...

26th july 2007 - not the average thursday

today, i'm only home because the croos country event got cancelled due to heavy rain. so what the heck. am spending the last home moments blogging.

everyday reading spiritual man has been of immense... revelation. everyday i know more about how i suck both as a person and as a christian. it is extremely hard to live a spiritual life...arh well. how do i spend each day in camp with meaning and purpose when most of the time people are sleeping or playing? ... ...

i've been an awful christian. failed utterly. but i can't share it in camp. can i? is it a difference in mindset? ... ...

its so difficult... especially in NS..

23rd july 2007 its a lovely monday

its a lovely monday today. its been showering off and on the entire day, and there was hardly any uncomfortable sun. its been really cooling the entire day, and i spent today re-reading harry potter tying up whatever loose ends in the story.

i keep thinking back about a previous entry, about what happened to our dreams and ambitions as we grew up. most of them got abandoned on the roadside, or became roadkill for that matter. some of us are still lost, just drifting along, waiting for some ship to pick us up. another thing was bugging me though. how did we become so vain? what made us become so aware of our looks? what made us to become obsessed with the way we look? why the make-up, the bags and the accessories? why have we become so concerned about the external and the physical? ... ... ...

this wasn't meant to be preachy. God sees us for we are inside. every make-up, every accessory just fades away as God sees the inside of us. everything outside doesn't matter. oh well. i guess monster will just be able to come up with some remarkable remark that will just nuke my arguments and ideas. haha.

did things have to be so complicated? sigh...

21st-22nd july 2007

my whole body is still trembling a little from the exertions last night, and i can still feel a faint throbbing... i dunno why yesterday would be more tiring than last sat, but it was, strangely.

moichoke told me to write about another leadership failure, but that was a previous post, and there really isn't any point in writing something that is so apparent for all to see... its just another of those disillusionment moments when you think about how bad the organisation... but then again, it ain't that bad, as long as things get done with. its just the ad-hoc decision making - sudden change of plans and all that, that irks people. it reflects badly on themselves, really, about how they fail to think of contingencies. i think the attitude 'since its an emergency, it can't be thought of, so how can we plan for?' was the one that caused the planes to crash into the towers on 9-11. its also called 'failure of imagination'...

and so... even the brilliant fireworks fail to lift up my spirits, even as many cheer on the steps, as the cameras flash from the hotel rooms... it makes me think about the pointlessness of many things, and even my own 'for the disillusioned warrior' seems... pointless. the ephemeral (a word engraved into mind by Little Prince) fireworks... makes me think about nationhood, how empty it is how futile it is. everyone stays for the fireworks and leaves by the anthem, only to come back because of the final flourish. when the ones you love can so easily leave this place, what becomes of the point of protection? we might as well just protect the airport and provide escort for the planes and ships as they all become filled with people fleeing the country... patriotism is something people don on the 9th of august and removed on the 10th. whats the point? thats the point - there's no point.

there was also personal failure last night. it sucks. i've known it well enough and i was reminded of it last night. and there was also a striking parallel with my inner life as well. am i willing to listen to upstairs or just go downstairs doing my own stuff... arh well.

at the end of the day... (well, there's no end to our days, only the 3 letters that are slowly becoming a great source of comfort)...

20th july friday 2007

haiz...

this blog starts with a sigh, because of the little depression that the blogger is feeling. the blogger feels this way because his family is getting in his way of spiritual growth by preventing from going to cell because he stayed too late the other night. and the reader would be surprised at why the sudden change of perspective from 'i' to 'him'? he doesn't know. this must read weird because the blogger feels weird too.

he has been reading some spiritual for the past week in camp. and that has made him depressed in a different way. because spiritual growth is hard. how do you exactly destroy the soulical things and yield them to the Holy Spirit? He has read some powerful passages, and he is slowly readjusting the attitude. He knows that he has been a major cock his whole life, especially his NS life...

oh dear. what rare depressive post. nothing major happened this week other than the said events. oh, and he has picked up bridge, floating and contract, though he still sucks pretty much big time. but its fun. monster has been right in telling the blogger to interact more with section mates. interrupting conversations and saying totally random stuff is still pretty much a difficult habit to change. but the blogger is optimistic that things can change. have they? oh well.

unfortunately, there are people he won't trust his life with... oh Lord, bring about a change in their lives and in mine.

praise be to God for the horse the elf rides on.

16th july 2007

lately, sundays and mondays have become rest days. and i hardly go out anymore. because sundays i'm occupied with the family, and mondays are book-in days so shouldn't go out so much get some sleep, because in-camp sleep quality very low.

anyway, i wonder how many of us will live out our childhood dream. i know we are definitely not the same person as we were when we were younger - our innocence is long gone, we no longer view the world with rose-tinted glasses, the realities of the world are now being ingrained into us, we are told to shed away our naivete and become pragmatic - in doing so, our dreams slowly faded away, as did our passion and hunger. Now we veer away, doing the 'normal' things, half-wishing that we could have pursued whatever dream that was, half-thinking that the dream would never become true anyway. So every day become a drudgery... For others there was never a dream, just the motions of waking up and living. There are distractions now, and some go ever deeper into them. The smaller things of the everyday made us lose track of the larger things that we want to do or become. And this is the sadness...

And this is something extremely cliche...True happiness is something that won't come easy.

15th july 2007 - and the last few days have been a whirlwind

Nothing much happened on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. The things that contribute all happened on friday and saturday.

Friday was amazing. Again, the cell group was praying for me - and that just made me extremely humbled, because i am still so unworthy. God sees me for who I am, not just the failings - yes, He's disappointed, but He still loves me...

If I were to go on about my failings, I'm afraid it'll ever end. So I won't go there. But there's indecisiveness, over-initiative, tactlessness... and so many more that i can't name. How can i then be effective in His work?

The second thing happened on saturday. And if nothing else, it was simply about the failure of leadership. In a system that is so rigidly hierachical, when the top fails, what do the bottom do? naturally, when that happens, we are forced to take initiative on our part. Then there is the failure of reaction. Whatever we do, we get screwed either way, so whats the point of doing it right? Then there is the failure of responsibility. How can other commanders protect their man at the expense of others? If the only 'incentive' of doing more work is only more work, then whats the point? If the important commanders don't understand this... then... don't be surprise when people refuse to do work... All the talk about 'integrity' is simply.... talk... In the end, we all do our work, yet if another group doesn't do theirs...

All of these will come to a head one way or the other. But at the end, it simply reflects a failure of leadership... how can i make my leaders work if the leaders don't even know how to work? If they fail to even motivate, let alone inspire, what can be expected from even those who try their best to follow...?

8th july 2007 NS poem

I thought Live Earth was a disappointment. it was one of those stupid events where people won't think about it immediately after. looks like 'the assault on reason' to me. people go there just because its a happening event, where they can get close to their stars. arh well. its very sad if people don't think about the issues at stake here. look at live8. people think that was the end for africa's assistance. sigh.. these efforts should be sustained - there should be people continually working towards the solutions for the issues... sigh...

anyway...

I wrote a poem a while back. So I'm putting it here.

Thinking about NS. For the disillusioned warrior

Once we were together,
once in our lives,
2 years of our time.
We have always wondered,
the meaning of it all,
why we hold our guns.


The answer given could not satisfy.
The longing remained still,
to quieten our hearts.

They said,
we did all we did,
to defend our country,
to defend what we hold dear.

They said,
unless you can protect
what we hold dear,
we can't say that we have it.

In this new, new world,
is it really true?
The nonsense of an olden time,
still clinging onto us,
everytime we hold the gun,
everytime we slept,
under the starry, starry skies.

What we hold dear,
what we truly hold dear,
will always be in us,
will always be with us.
What we have lies in us,
no one can take or destroy.

We believe in this country not,
we merely ride on it,
as this country rides,
on the rest of the world.

What we hold dear,
is this country not.
what we hold dear,
is beyond this soil,
beyond the land.
We serve no ideal,
nor in her cause.
We do what we have to,
simply because we are told to.

They say,
do you care not for your lives?
When the guns of others point towards your loves?
Will you then not protect those you love?

With regard my life,
I protect.
For those I love,
Die I would.
But I will die not for the country's cause,
I die only for the love I have,
for the happiness of those I love,
not for flag, nor for glory.

For what is a flag,
but a piece of cloth?
For what glory I die for?
The only glory I desire,
that I merely tried to protect hose I love.
Yes, for this reason I take up the gun,
for this reason I sleep,
under the starry, starry skies,
in the cold, cold night.

These are long, long days,
and long, long nights.
Where boredom reigns,
and indifference rules,
where absurdity is supreme.
As the sun sets,
and the moon rises,
as the skies darken,
and the lights come on,
all we ask for,
is for all these to end,
when we may truly rest.

These times,
pass without purpose, it seems.
The world toils on,
with or without is.
What pride is there,
for the things we do?
Only the slender assurance,
that we now are able,
to protect those we love.

7th-8th July 2007

today was another stupid rehearsal. ushered again. but it was all to be expected - all the absurdities and all the nonsense that i came across. like the lady who forgot her ticket and had to be rescued by some kind soul's extra ticket. like all the tourists who were irritated at the huge turnabout they had to make. arh well.

what irked me most however, was what happened after everything. the ride home with a friend, who turned out to be hiding truths. truth is, he didn't actually stay close to me, rather, he stayed extremely far. truth is, he stayed in an inconvenient place so he shared a cab with me just for HIS own convenience. i to think that he will justify everything, or hide everything to make it sound like he was right. seriously. there's no point hiding anything, because when is known, there is only one person who will suffer, and it is that person himself. in other's eyes, his standing will fall, no one will trust him to work with, and honestly, it reflects a fatal flaw in that fella's character. nope, i am not reading too much into things - these kind of gestures reveal the character more than anything else.

and yes, this is a bitching session, and i should stop saying anymore anyway. this is not how God sees him. But Lord, I just pray that You begin a mighty move in his heart, that You will change the way he is. Lord, i pray that somehow, when people work with me, they see You, and i pray that others can see You when they see me. I know all these bitchings are real nonsense anyway - so Lord, take it all away. For YOUR power, and glory. amen

but he's not the only one. there are many other characters in camp who can make people vomit blood. there are people who are emotional pendulums, swinging from one extreme to the next; there are people who complain and don't work and keep on complaining; there are people who complain but keep working anyway; seems to everyone likes to compare about how much they've done, as if to prove their own superiority and ego. arh well. i guess everyone likes to feel that they've done more than others, so to feel better. but its really nonsense. and almost everyone complains about ever more work to be done, and hope there will never be a 'come, lets go help...'. arh well. i have nothing to say about that. anyway, in any large groups, such characters will bound to appear anyway, so maybe its not such a bad thing after all to be learning in such an environment. arh well.

and yes monster, all of us are hypocrites, and i should be real honest about it. so, yes, i am a hypocrite, but i am trying not to be one. thanks for all your wonderful reminders of the large failure that i am.

2nd july 2007

its been a while since i blogged, and this time, i won't dig out closets of skeletons, rather this entry will be just another one of those write-ups about something i heard or saw.

Even as I type out this entry, I can hear the sharp, almost shrill of the chinese instruments being played on a makeshift wooden stage. There are bright lights, and brighter colours, as actors twirl around the stage, their dialogue the dialect of those whose hairs are greying. I can't tell the age of the actors/actresses because of the thick make-up, their faces painted white, red, pink and black, not unlike the geishas from Memoirs of Geisha. I can only understand only the vaguest of what they are saying, if I understand at all. Its all actually rather wonderful and even nostalgic, if only I was born 2 or 3 generations agon, then perhaps I could enjoy this performance as I enjoy a trip to the cinema today.

Yet there is sad side to this. The place where this performance is being played out is but in my humble quiet neighbourhood, where not much happens; the audience is but a handful of greying men and women on chairs leftover from some banquet nearby. My heart grows heavier as I wonder if I am witnessing a form of art in its death throes - and I am, in a way, guilty of causing its demise.

I don't think by the comment of 'its a different generation' justifies the extinction of any form of performing arts. Despite movies, theatrical and dramatic productions are still by and large, thriving in the local art scence. Then what about traditional Chinese Operas? This is about more than just entertainment - this is about the loss of a tradition...

This is about the disconnect that the elderly in our society must be feeling. This is about their lives, about their many decades of toil in Singapore. The society that we have today is because of them, and we will be taking away their way of life. I wonder if they feel like they are strangers in their own land - the transformation of Singapore in their lifetimes must seem simply amazing to them, even beyond their comprehension. Yet what has the rest of society done to them? Are we treating them like tools that have gone beyond their by-use date? To be thrown and left to decay?

having met melvin today, a lof of things went through my mind. but first and foremost, one of them has to be that i am not a good christian. i guess doing something about it is just what i can say... and i guess thats the thing that matters...

24th june 2007

i had my big group meeting today, though honestly, nothing much really happened for me. of course nothing much ever happened to me anyway so it didn't really matter... its just nice to know the people involved in all these... so yeah. i'm like a small kid peering into the door where adults work. the real life, the real work. i'm realising that connections matter a lot, and just below brains, it is probably the most important thing... arh well.... everyone has to start somewhere... and i'm just starting...

23rd-24th june 2007

i had my first combine rehearsal not too long ago. was alrite.

sigh. darn. i wish life was easier sometimes. like, why can't i be a christian openly. why am i still living with a deep fear... arh well. why can't my parents be more... accepting? why am i such an idiot of a thinker? haha. God, i just want to confess the wrongs that i've done, and Lord, thank You for Your grace and providence. be with my platoon mates.

some things can thank God for. but other things have to ask God to change. so ask that you'll be willing to change.

had lunch with a major, but its really nothing. some comments about the state of the company, though i also heard about some possible advancements. which i'll know only after i ord. so what the... arh well. after a while you face some major questions, like evaluating the role of basic military training and specialised training. will vocations become so deeply specialised that you actually need a decent education to handle all the specialty and the tech? how will the role of commanders and man be modified? these are the key questions tha strategic planners have to answer... topics for a possible COA essay competition... haha...

its just that i have a different conception of faith, and its like... rather different from the idea of others. and its all rather difficult to elaborate and explain. first of all, i don't believe in a literal, word-by-word interpretation of the Bible. I would want to study the ideas, context and history of something... i come from the other side of the line running back. i don't just get God straight from the Book. with the Bible, i get a few ideas, then i go running all the way out in philosophy, science, and everything else, then come meeting God at the intersection point, or that is how i wish things could be. Wishful thinking perhaps. now i'm a little confused if there's an intersection point, and if there is, its very hard to find it.

and the big problem is, everyone is running with their ideas directly from the Bible and nowhere else, so its like running against the tide... and there's like no one else to run with me, and it sucks.

meanwhile, exploring further the ideas of climate change and the evolving geopolitics. yeah! finally thought of another idea to push my thoughts towards. its really a combination of 2 things that i've become comfortable in, and it ties in with my old interest in globalization and everything else. cool. hee.

alritey then... its been tiring, but i look forward to sunday, meeting bernise and co.

whoooo!

16th june 2007

my brain is dying... can't remember my running motion, can't remember my personal details... all because of the exercise? oh dear dear...

had a gathering at kenlo's place. first, it was at a house, and i do mean a house, meaning, a standalone bungalow. and his parents were wonderful enthusiastic people, and his mom was perhaps a tad too enthusiastic. just another session where i gaze into the world beyond mine.

and i got my hands on me chem texts. will have a hard time going through now that my brain is in this near-retarded state. arh well.

its really important to have docs as friends, because they put everything into perspective. instantly, my camp worries disappear. my anxieties, my burdens, disappear, sublimating. these people experience others dying... and what do i worry about? what i experience becomes effectively nothing. at least i still have life. and its important to just dedicate every breath, every heartbeat to God.

and ... thinking about it, i'm starting to feel a little disillusioned about the bigger churches. whats the use of good speakers, good acoustics and all...? why need the flashing lights and the loud sounds and the humongus LCD screen? are these things really necessary? strip away all these things, and just coming to worship the Lord. the early christians were so successful because they were truly sincere. are we? the sincere christians in the early church provided examples for others to emulate. are we doing the same? the standards are still the same. have we, in the chase for numbers, lost the sincerity, believeing in simply a set of formulas and rules to 'earn' believers? do we believe because we are told to believe, or are we sincerely believing?

gonna rest, and hope the brain cells get connected again...

16th june 2007 and the moral of the exercise is... endure...

things lately have made me think a little. it goes something like this: NS is a waste of time - whatever we do is of no real consequence. there is no glory for us, so we don't bother with honour. we are part of a vocation that is being slowly converted into something else; we are essentially a dustbin for people with no other things to do; so in other words, why bother at all?

yes, indeed, why bother? why bother to work so work only for it to b undone? why bother to work when work is of no consequence? why would i even bother at all in the first place?

all these questions i had already answered before, and to find myself asking these questions again reflect a creeping weakness - a weakness of will that is unfortunately gaining in strength and chipping away at the core of my being. arh well.

i'll just answer these questions again. i bother because it is not about the work that i do. i bother because of the attitude, as a habit of mind, to just do the task even though it may be futile. if not, why bother to live if we're going to die after all? it is not about the task or the work - its about the attitude behind it. for me, even if the task has supposedly no meaning - working, knowing that there is work to be done - just try to finish it - this attitude alone, this attitude to endure and persevere on - this is meaning. just learning to endure and persevere, no matter how shitty things become. and this 22 months of time-wasting - enduring all these things, this is also a lesson.

i probably will get blasted by the usual suspects for this post, but it doesn't really matter. after all, i'm already like a nail that is still sorely standing upright. and every day in camp, the hammer comes. for me, enduring those things - thats also another lesson. so yeah.

i'm increasingly bored and tired.

its rather irritating, when there are proud people who can't see past themselves and think constantly that they are always right or best. its rather irritating to see some people with a put-down attitude. but in some sense, its also rather sad, because they are also going to be the ones who will suffer in the future work place.

i know people don't like me because of my attitudes, or because of my poorly applied semblance of intelligence that i have - that is, if i actually have any intelligence. i know, people think i'm bossy or eye-powering and everything... but if thats what people think, i don't care. yes, i have slacked before, even at the expense of others, but so have many others. i am equally imperfect - ok, so what gives me the right to be bossy? none whatsoever. people can always say 'no' and ask me to do it. and yes, i get tonnes of blame for taking initiatives, right and wrong. but you can't take out the initiative-ness from me. yes... i apologize for doing the wrong things and for doing things wrong, as i tried to do things right...

its all contradictory and everything... but isn't that how everyone's life is?

and this bit more about leadership. and all i want to say is, just read about what the general behind the defence of iwo jima - what he did, and thats about what summarizes leadership. of course, the christian concept of servant leadership is probably what the military cannot accept... arh well...

10th june 1007 - on the brink of the abyss

today is the eve of another exercise. arh well...

yesterday i went out, and bought a fabulous notebook - with a wonderful fabric cover and all with 160 pieces of paper. and i bought a nike singlet which fitted too well. i have doubts if my adidas shorts can go with it. the past weeks i couldn't stand myself wearing the standchart adidas singlet so i decided to get a proper singlet to go on long runs with.

the bad thing is, there is this exercise to go through with, and the good thing is, after this, there will be a deserving break. i can't wait for 16th and see kenneth and his pals. i dunno why, but i dun feel deserving to be called his 'close friend'.

recent conversations have led to reflection of my current circumstance. all the things that i've read are considered 'above average'. i only know, but i do not know in depth. from an academic perspective, what i know is really close to nothing, and in order to get serious, i will have to move to another level... and that level, would require me to look up the original articles of research, and then start from the bottom again to gradually understand what's happening at the top...

which will be prohibitively expensive, and cause another major dent in my finances. will it be all worth it? i will have to take the plunge... arh well.

9th june 2007 - a wonderful dinner we had - all us Faith 4-1 2003 geylang methodist secondary...

The following was what i wrote to my friends - a personal afterthought about the dinner. Nothing poetic, just the words and the thoughts, and since i've heard good things about it, i'll make it LARGER. hahahaha.

Hi, all you lovely and wonderful people!

Here are just a few words of how I thought and feel. I'm sure most of you have the same thoughts, what I do here was to merely put it into words...

The food was really fine, and I ate to my fill. Apparently, I have forgotten how wonderful the girls had become, and how the guys continue to mature, albeit with the little taint called NS. But these things aside, I have hope, a hope that burns still so brightly, a hope renewed seeing all of you, and all of your smiles, as we laughed the night long trading anecdotes of our lives after we left Geylang Methodist, as we reminisce those moments with great fondness, that crucible which molded all of us together, our souls brought together. Those are the times, these are the moments, and let the future come. We embrace the future, as we consider that all things past will become more and more insignificant as things to come loom ever larger on our horizon. The O'levels are now gone from us, and the memories of A'levels and other examinations will soon, if they haven't already, fade away from our memories. What we become increasingly worry or anxious about are the assignments and exams to come, about the future we'll enter to. In all these still, the past we hold we onto, the common thread that links all our hearts and souls.

At the dinner, it was simply heartwarming to hear that most of us were doing alright, that at the very least, most of us have moved on fine. And it was exciting to hear of potential doctors, engneers, professionals in so many areas. Even more fulfilling was to hear of growth in your personal lives.

But I believe that the hope that we have will come assure us, as we continue to step into the future. No matter our anxieties, cast them off, don't let fear get in the way of your life. As we have each other now, have faith and trust in each other in the future. Because the love that we have for one another endures and persevers on, despite all that might come. In other words, stay together, trusting the love in ourselves and in one another.

I could not help but think that we still manage to stay together for so long, that despite many of us being in various places, we still can come together acknowledging the past that we shared and moving on, even affirming the futures that we'll face together. Whereas others might have cast off their past and moved on, I believe that in a way, He has comissioned this class for something wondrous, though you might not believe, have the hope and faith, that no matter whatever unfurls in your lives, as a class, we'll always hold onto one another, in spirit and in love.

In love we move on together, always and always.

1 Corinthians 13:13

So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love...

Faith 4-1 2003
Geylang Methodist Secondary

3rd june 2007 rest and recovery are all there is...(except for a stupid run)

this is about the reflections at the dinner, where i felt i was crying inside...

arh well.

i found myself alone and almost lost in the conversations. so they have managed to stay contactable, and apparently, have been able to meet quite frequently...most of them have been fun people, unlike me, a silly bore in the realm of books.

feels like faust, without gretchen. arh well.

what have i gained and lost, i wonder. all those weekends at kino, borders, buying books, reading books, and climbing up mountains of knowledge, i wonder what for. all these sentiments are nothing new actually. from ancient past, there were learned man who questioned the need for knowledge, saying that God's revelation and faith were enough. ... and on and on. even today, living in pragmatic singapore, my childhood fascination with knowing was frequently tempered by parents who questioned the need for books.

its a long issue, and it has spanned by entire sober life.

i dunno.

i mean, whats the point of all the reading if there's no one to share with consistently, to argue and debate on the abstract things that lie beneath the surface our lives and our societies? it makes all my reading empty and futile...

arh well. i should've gone out more often, find more friends, and among them, there must've been some who were intellect inclined. but with the friends around me? hahahaha.

most of us are chasing the standard singapore life - get a degree, get a job, get married, and live happily ever after. its the dream that most of my friends are living, and its nothing wrong, no, its not, its good, that there is a dream to moves us in our lives. and we live this dream in the context of greater dreams still, as we move and worship God in our lives, well, some of us.

so yeah. there really is nothing wrong, and its better than living an empty life devoid of meaning. i just wish... that there were more people who are willing to go deep in their thoughts, people who take similar journey as i have...

so i wait...

3rd june 2007 verse update

As i woke up this morning, i thought of new crappy verses to add.

I am reminded of the old cliche,
'that everything has changed,
but stayed the same'.

We are no longer,
are the classroom boys and girls.
We all have moved beyond the blue and white.
On the boat down river Time,
the old skins shed as new skins grow,
out of our chrysalis,
wings emerge,
as beauty soars heavenward.

And so we are,
struggling still,
the work continues,
deep in our soul.

A little older,
a little wiser,
though innocence gone,
but still we are,
just who have been,
the heart from past,
and beating still,

No matter how trials may come,
full of fear,
and hope might flee,
but we'll all remember what we have,
the wondrous things deep in our beings,
beyond words,
and now, even beyond deeds,
the love that cares,
protects and hopes,
the love we have,
lasting ever more.

These memories,
fade they may,
but here we are,
beyond mem'ries,
as look onward to greater things.

These are things to last an entire lifetime,
as long we live.......

If i think of more crappy verses, i'll just edit..

on a more personal note 2nd june 2007

I'm experiencing a breaking of the spirit. as i plough through my books, i'm becoming much more aware of the things that i don't know of. its really like how watchman nee put it. being an intellect-inclined person, God deals me in an intellectual way. my thoughts are in vain, my ideas are junk. so Lord continue, have Your way in me!

2nd june 2007 ... under the moonlight

tonight was a wonderful night. finally, i see my wonderful sec 4 classmates again! hooray! These are the photoes that i took, though not very good.

I know the poetry sucks, but do forgive...

The Pale Light of the Moon...

The food came and went,
and we ate.
We enjoyed the treats,
not because the food was great (it was)
because of who we had - each other.

Such is the joy when friends meet,
of all of us with a shared history.
to some like long-lost meet again,
as withered links become strong again.
and suddenly it seems,
we were in the classroom,
all in our seats.

Actually,
it wasn't long since we last met.
In fact, all we had been keeping in touch.
But still we met,
because there is nothing like,
when all of us come together,
back again, like long time past.
And pray that it'll not be long,
when all of us, can be meet together,
in such joy and laughter.

Laughter is the air we breathe,
being so thick in the air.
And we share our going ons.
It might not have been really long,
but still we talk.

We shared our little stories,
of our jobs and our studies,
of the little details in our everyday life.
For all these time,
it seemed,
we were close as we ever could,
back in that classroom of old.

We've known each other,
all so well.
Between our hearts,
there is no barrier.
All things flow from heart to heart,
from soul to soul.
Beyond words.

The air-con is cold,
but we are warm.
We abandon the food,
it no longer matters.
All that sustains us,
is no longer the food,
but simply the things we share,
the bread for the spirit,
that we hunger no more,
in spirit we feast.

Our guest has left,
but she will never leave us,
as we always remember,
who she was,
like a mother,
our dear, dear friend.
Our lives an imprint,
of her very own.

Tonight there was beauty,
in flesh and in spirit.
As these daughters of Eve,
live out their lives,
all bound for wondrous things.

The sons of Adam are not dim-wits,
sure we are of,
glorious future in time to come,
as we leave these barren years,
and come to the water.

We did not become rebels,
we have not changed.
The character that we have,
remains with us.
As we continue to walk in dignity.
Tempted though we might be,
we have not fallen.
As we wait to grasp,
the future soon.

Now we are still in our youth,
in the brightness of summer,
while the sun still blazes.
We savour our freedom,
we are young and free.
Bounded we might be by uniform and rules,
we know deep inside, that our spirits soar.

We walk together,
on the streets,
but we aren't lost souls in the dark.
Under the moonlight,
we walk,
guided by what we'll do.
We know the road we walk,
and we know the place we'll go.


Surprise. we say joyce! though she wasn't in our class, it was just so nice to see someone we know... its so rare to see her that i'm just going to put her pic just for fun...