new york... again

aarrgh. got spurned by TED. was only able to make it to their lift lobby when they rejected me from going up cos the receptionist said it was only an 'office' and there is nothing interesting to see.

got a little lost looking for marvin, kelly and zhou zhong. got so tired that i fell asleep during chicago. damn sad. 

NY is a wonderful place though. saw the sight from Empire State Building. many things to upload. 

I'm not going to say much more since at present not going to upload anything. 

New Yorkers have been wonderful people, and the words, 'thank you very much' going a huge distance here.

The thing that surprised me most was that many people in NY still don't speak English as their native tongue. And that in the places that I've been to, there is still a significant immigrant population, though they are largely Hispanics. The place we are staying, uptown near the Hudson River, seems to be predominantly immigrant. 

 

There is still so much to feel and understand and know in this place, and all I've done hasn't even begun to know the tip of the iceberg. I would really want to ask how this multiculturalism adds to NY... at the same time, I'm really curious about the fact Enligsh... is still... not spoken by everyone as their first language. 

Maybe in NY there really is a sense of a 'core' and 'periphery' - that the 'core' of NY hasn't really changed - Times Sq, Downtown, and parts of Midtown, but beyond that, people are still moving in, mixing around... Not a NY expert, so can't tell. 

On the flight here to NY, there were any Vietnamese, so... hmm... thinking about why some ethnicities have done better than others... 

And then... how come there's Chinatown in some countries but no, 'India-Town' in many others? I don't see an Indian-diaspora conglomerate here in NY... but that answer may be kinda obvious, its because massive numbers of Indians didn't come here, so there was no impetus to come together, since the numbers were probably insufficient to stay together as a community. Timing of the immigration matters too. But what about Korea-Town? 

and a more random note, egos build skyscrapers... reminded of the fact last night. 

So back again. multiculturalism seems to split people, and fails also to acknowledge differences between sub-communities. Like THERE ARE STILL AFRICAN immigrants coming to the States, but their positions are drastically different from the rest of the slavery-African-American community that we have come to recognise as the 'African-American' community. And they might have different linguistic backgrounds, especially French. Or maybe I heard tourists, but can't help thinking. These communities are going to diverge, if they are immigrants, and there will be different trajectories  in their status here in America.

thats all for now. obviously i'm in a 'black pacific' mood currently...

On a last note, I'm beginning to feel things again... about the privileged lives that others live. I'm a swakoo, and I'm also definitely out of my league , trend-, style-wise in NY. Also, I'm thinking about peers who have gone to the States like no-one's business, and I just marvel at their savviness, at that trend of thinking, at just their 'wise-ness' in handling things in a foreign land. Weird, how I'm always thinking about my place relative to others here... arrgh. Gotta get that thinking out of my mind. 

Been told that American students are passionate about learning, and I'm thinking, maybe its a different culture of education here, that those who made it to Ivy Leagues - they just have the opportunities to study more, do more work, do more projects, and maybe its just their mentality to want to learn... maybe its nuture, and inculcation, that they can afford to think this way. Its also a socioeconomic thing too, I bet.

been also forced to reevaluate assumptions a bit, suprises that there are people in USP who didn't come from the top-5 JCs and yet who are doing very well now. There is something to be said about university being a leveller of people, and really demands from people things that socio-economic status might not necessarily endow people with.

Thats all for now. Last day in NY today!

0815

NY!

It was a long, long flight. But everything is ok now. At the hotel lobby, having taken a little walk. A little unprepared for the trip clothings-wise but am ok adapting to the cold having brought my parent's winter-wear. No snow though, but its ok. See how larh.

tonight was the night my nightmare nearly came true - a sign of things to come...

The Sunday that just passed was a nightmare that almost came true...

The nightmare concerns an 'apartness' feeling that I've always felt between my parents and I. But before I move on, I love my parents and my family and I know they love me. Love - as in sacrifice and affection. I know my parents and siblings have already poured their lives into me, and any failure to acknowledge can only be a failure on my part. 

And so I move on. This apartness that I feel concerns largely my academic and spiritual development... I already live in my own world academically, pursuing the things that some of my peers in USP might not even understand completely. I'm pursuing academic boundaries in ways, and I'm also beginning to accept myself and my inclinations, and trying to maintain sensitivity to friends as well. 

There's isn't much to say about spirituality except that I have acquired a different worldview, and that makes a lot of difference already.

But the thing that concerns me most is that academic pursuits in USP is moving me into a different socio-economic space where my parents and siblings can hardly imagine. That I'm in this place where my peers are used to a more affluent lifestyle due to their socio-economic background, that I am here in USP due in large part to my academic merits (I think), and that I'm out of my league socio-economically... This part has always affected me ever since I entered ACJC, and I'm still feeling my way through this. That because of academic achievements people think I come from a over-achieving family background... Well... Sunday night I shopped around for a blazer, and brother and I were in conflict because he thought the blazer would be too expensive... Thank Lord for G2000 bundled packages! 

So yeah. Even as I'm in USP, I'm contesting stereotypes in my own ways, that at the same time, I'm also trying to find an acceptance over who I am and what I'm doing, in relation to my friends, in relation to the whole system overall... 

In all of these, Lord, I ask for compassion, not to be self-righteous or puffed up or boastful, but instead, to see these people with compassion, to relate to them on an even footing, to engage them emotionally and psychologically, to acquire a sensitivity for myself and for others, and I pray that in all of these, I will find favour in You, and in others, that others might come to see the work that You are doing in my life.

Lord I thank You, that I am in USP, for the opportunities to interact with so many people, and I pray I can engage them in a meaningful and spiritual manner. Lord, give me the strength and the compassion to see them as You see them, as creations of Your love and grace. I ask all these in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.

a charmed night

I have just came back from sticking photos of people on ceiling, all in the name of fun. Oh well. Perhaps it was my dedication to fun even on a serious note made a turn for something unexpected later on...

I think i was quite tired, and I decided to go get some water. And it was then that I started talking to Chris Henry, who had gone for an internship with Google before. Being a quasi-techie, and half a fanboy of sorts of Google, we began to have a conversation, about the work that he did there, about the projects that he was doing, and about life's lessons. He was one of those guys who 'got it' - the realisations and acceptance about life, about learning to make choices and decisions... and learning t live with the consequences of the decisions that you made. It was a wonderful conversation. being a quasi-techie, we were able to have quite a meaningful conversation about the going-ons in tech industry. This conversation also came off the back of an VERY INTERESTING lesson that I had, about Interactive Media - media, as in the old meaning of the word, media/medium - the go-between, the interface between different systems. The speaker was talking about how technology can create the media between real and virtual, between young and old, between people and animals, between people, and how to convey empathy, love, trust, and many more. My mindset was certainly widened, and I began to realise how urgently important the knowledge of computing was... And that kinda led me to talk to Chris about computing, and me being code-illiterate. Got tonnes of advice off him...

I pray for him - Father, I pray for Chris Henry, that for some reason, he is in my life, and he has given me insights into computing in the world and in NUS. Lord I pray for his studies, that you continue to bless him, give him strength, and continue to give him the favour that he enjoys with his profs. Father, bless him, and his family, that You watch over his future. Lord I thank You so, so much, for the wonderful people that You have placed me with... 

Lord, today I thank You, for Dr Ryan, who has shown me so much favour. Lord I pray that I do not take it for granted. Its not too often nowadays that people are called Renaissance Man. Lord, you know me, and You know my heart, though only beginnning to learn to settle down... Lord... Why is my life always at the crossroads? That there are always so many paths to walk, all leading to beautiful places... Lord, maybe these decisions to take the paths is just wrong... But Lord, I thank You so much, for blessing me with so much... Why am i even deserving of so much? 

Sociology, Singapore's urban landscape and hawker centre

computing/information (philosophical applications)

chemistry, biochem, inorganic 

environmental sciences, ecology

The fact was that I could even talk to Chris, and have meaningful information... Lord, I pray for Chris. Thank God for him. I wish him all the best in his studies, and hope hi plans come to realise...

quiet time thursday feb 2009

Jesus,

You know that my heart is settled... over so many things. Worries and concerns, about things not yet come to past, about things that i'm struggling about... Father You know all of them. And I know that it breaks Your heart everytime I have tried to held them back from You. And as I struggle with everything with my own strength, Your heart is crying out, asking me to surrender my life to You, so that through Your power, You will make all things new, all things beautiful in my life. 

And even as I spent time with You, You know what I've gone through for the past few days... of my resolve to go through sleepless nights just to finish a lab report on time... in the process neglecting You, failing to pay attention to You... Father, forgive me. I know that I couldn't have gone through that without You anyway. 

That there are administrative problems for me that still hinder my trip to Princeton. Father I pray that I can collect my passport tomorrow, and settle the administration tomorrow. 

That there are emotional perturbations... 

That I have a complicated organic chem lab session on thursday...

That to settle the administration I will have to skip lessons - important lessons that I wouldn't want to skip...

That I have to purchase textbooks to bone up my understanding...

That I have essays to write... for another essay competition, for Infusion, for daring proposals for USS, for proposals for ISM during summer, 'Restorative Chemistry' for triple helix, continue philosophical, epistemological conversations with Shin Jung and/or Dr Don...

many things to do, but Lord, help me to trust You even more, to PUT ALL OF THESE THINGS ON THE CROSS... That the rubric I measure a holiday will be in spiritual growth ABOVE ALL ELSE, that even as I labour all-night long, I labour in God's presence... 

YES LORD~ YOU sit enthroned in my life, NOT ambitions, NOT desires, NOT wishes. Lord, I cannot do these things by myself. I seek forgiveness for my sins, cleanse my shame and guilt, and lust and desires, and jealousy and hate... A heart of compassion...

Teach me Lord, to lay aside the self, and come to YOU in love, in expectancy. 

I ask for rest too... 

In Jesus' most precious name... Amen

spoilt brat

It was a revelation that took me all of 21 years to realise. That I'm a spoilt brat. I have been favoured by my parents since I was young, and even now, I am still experiencing it. Tonight, I realised that I have taken my family for granted. The privilege to come together as a family to have dinner together - that it is actually a privilege, I have only begun to realise now. That even though I come from long distances back home to have dinner - that just counts for nothing when coming together to have meals. That it is only through grace that my family is around. I should never have taken my mum's cooking for granted, and should just receive it as grace plain and simple. And I am ever grateful for the grace of God...

And I'm grateful too, for my spiritual family, for encouraging me, for giving me the advice that I need so much. Yes, it is not what I do for God, but what I become for God that matters. That all my ambitions and dreams and all of that - can only come if and only if I submit everything to Him, that I die to the cross again and again and again... Visions, ambitions, dreams, desires - all of that counts for nothing if not for the love of God.

That You Jesus, for dying on the cross, for my sins...

epiphany

I was listening to a downloaded sermon when something hit me: I'm foolish.

I have no idea whats wrong with my life, I have no idea whats right with my life. it was sheer pride and arrogance that made me delusional - that I know whats right and wrong with my life, that I could even know what is wrong and what do do, that i knew what i'm doing right to do what I'm doing. It is only through the grace of God that I'm still alive, living, and doing the things that i'm doing.

Lord I cry out to you, forgive me of my sins, forgive me of my pride and self-righteousness. Lord, I thank You for the blood of Jesus, which cleanses my life, that I can live everyday in Your grace and presence.

the embodiment of knowledge

I stared very hard at a car and a market today, and my mind begin to drift away into thinking about how social knowledge/information is embodied by food centres and cars. What does a market embody? It embodies the socio-cultural norms embedded in the neighbourhoods, in the food that it contains, in the items that it sells to the residents. What about cars? Still thinking about it though, but I think I am on to something there. I'm now trying to think of EVERYTHING physical artifact as embodying some kind of social/personal information, but I'm not sure how it might all work out. 

What kind of informational flows? I imagine cars to be outfitted with sensors and flexible surfaces so they change the aerodynamic profile given different road, temperature, and air conditions. But thats merely autonomous smart systems, and aren't really paradigm busting. Similarly for buildings - how buildings might self-optimise for energy efficiency - but thats not really new. I don't want to be looking at smart systems, I'm looking for relational, social information, and how they are embodied in the physical artifacts in our lives. 

What does a car represent as an artifact of society? How does a 'car' reflect the personalities of the user? Ditto for a market - how does a market/food centre represent the neighbourhood and the people living in it? How people are part of a larger community, incorporating them into their identity, creating this personal mosaic, perhaps...

Now, I admit that many of these things sound rather abstract, but all of these thoughts and ideas come down to this: how do we think of institutions as stores of information, and what can we take out from thinking in this way?

grace, and tonnes of it

i went to a prayer meeting and it was about grace.

How apt. As I'm writing this, my anger is subsiding, and I'm letting grace do its work. Here is the incident.

I put my clothes in a drying machine, and I left it there. I returned at the end of the cycle, and my clothes were replaced by someone else's. I guess what happened was, someone replaced my clothing with his/her...

I felt angry, and a many, many things were going through my mind about what to do. Should I dump it in the toilet, wet it? Should I throw them all away somewhere, as a lesson for the person not to mess around with other people's clothing? 

Well, it was so childish thinking about it, but I still did. Vengeance and pride can be very dangerous to handle. Oh well. In the end I just left them at the top of the machine, and after I was done, put them back in the dryer... 

Vengeance is the Lord's. I pray that the Lord have mercy on that person... 

And grace again.

This one is much more serious, and it concerns my relationship with an institution that I belong to, the church, namely, FCBC. First of all, FCBC is a wonderful church. Great people, great leadership, bold vision, with the guts, faith and love to do it. The problem might just be myself and my own perception. Here's how it goes, and it starts with who I think I am. I like books, I like apologetics, like philosophy, reasoning and arguing, in things intellect. I'm not exactly fun-fun, but I can be... But I know that what brings people to Christ is the relational and the emotional aspects of connecting to Jesus as saviour. I get that. And FCBC is really big on that, because as far as I know, bringing people to Christ really requires that relational/emotional stuff. Its just that... I've never been exactly big on that, meaning - I'm not exactly that socially/emotionally-adept, and the way I handle people is kinda different, meaning, I prefer small-groups, less than ten perhaps, and I want to focus on who these people are. And I want to talk, engage them, engage their ideas, because I think that a large part of Christianity is also knowing who God is, who Jesus is, and why they should be confident about their faith, in knowing what Christianity means, and how it faces up to challenges... 

I'm fearing that the nature of church hierarchy in FCBC - being essentially a vertical hierarchy with strict chain of commands - might make it difficult to respond to certain types of changes, especially tech-wise. Meaning, that since everything flows from the top, changes might not be reflected in time by the time it reaches the top from the ground. Besides, I am beginning to realise that some churches are not meant to be democratic, meaning, that there are some individuals who are thought to be... exceptional. While I do agree that some people are anointed and appointed by God for church leadership... hmm... this is an incomplete thought, but I think people can see where its going. A thought experiment would be: if a very high-up pastor does something ethically wrong but not criminally wrong, and if that person does not admit mistakes despite being wrong and even goes on to justify leadership through previous anointing, will there be means to... remove the person from authority? 

One of the things that I never really stopped wondering was whether Christianity supports authority or not... 

One of the threads here is that, when more people become more aware of the transformative power of infotech to change the modes of engagement, how will it change the way churches function? Open-sourced Sermons? Where believers flow from one congregation to another, depending on the sermons? Right now the network of churches is kinda disparate - meaning that every church does its own thing, oblivious, not really knowing what other churches are doing, because there is no need to. maybe with LoveSingapore, then more churches become involve with one another, and there is some communication, but still, for day-to-day stuff, churches are a social institution serving the spiritual needs of the community... I mean - thats a more technical perspective. Is it possible to conceive of a *super-church*, where there are no longer boundaries between different churches..... like a *hive* of some sort... specialisation into *workers* who do the work of evangelism and community outreach, *musicians* - worship specialists...

Oh shucks. I am becoming incoherent. Better stop now.. the point is, there is a dissatisfaction about being in FCBC that I haven't found a way to resolve. But if I truly grasp that: it was never about me, or how I feel, but about how God wants to do something through me - reach out to people and do some other stuff - then it ought to have settled things right? I do *get it* but some other thing feels not quite right... Lotsa scary thoughts, but just stopping now to do some other work...

Grace.

Reading Timothy Keller and other things that feel revealed...

I'm sure I have other work to do, but those can always be done at a later time. There are other, more urgent things that need to be done. And one of them is reading and thinking about the Bible.

Before I go on, I'm thinking about how the thinking of nature and evolution as moving towards cooperation - how might that... affect... Christian apologetics? In particular, I am thinking about what if there was a different conception of evolution - of a naturalism that also moves towards cooperation? I mean, I'm thinking, that nature/natural selection doesn't always move in the direction of competition, but sometimes in mutualism...

That aside, I never realised the logical flaws of naturalism as trying to explain everything. Everything is a blur right now, since I'm so excited, at the same time, experiencing a rush of ideas. I think at a moment, I shed tears = cried... It was simply the force of the words that I was reading, and at the same time, the force of the ideas as they were appearing in my head. Its rare that I read books that pwn Darwinism and the like, in words that I can understand.

"If natural selection leads to a distorted sense of truth (traits that aid survival are not necessarily perfect in being truthful), then how can we trust natural selection as truth?"

I like apologetics. I really do. I guess its another one of those things that have always been in the air that I never really appreciated for myself, like writing. Studying Hebrew and ancient/classical Greek is another one of those desires that are always there in my head... but so is learning German, French and Russian, and Italian and Spanish... hahaha

But apologetics is much higher up on the list... But even apologetics is just an excuse to get into the real thing - that genuine relationship with Jesus. To be away from religion and into a relationship. Its another one of those, 'I open the door - but you still have to go into the room yourself' sort of thing. I really like that part where Keller talks about religion, and Jekyll/Hyde - that even doing good deeds can be a form of evil when it leads to self-centredness.

But there's another reason as to why I'm blogging a second time. I was thinking about stuff a bit, and I realise I have yet to fully gain a new freedom - I am still finding it difficult to accept who I am as God made me. Oh yes. I felt it again that tinge of insecurity, inadequacy and uselessness when my friends were talking about their schoolmates who don't study and still get A's, and play around everywhere. Inevitably, the self-scorn - "why am I not like that?" and then, "why do i suck?"

I thought I was done with it. I will meet geniuses who get by life without effort. I will find high-flyers who lead perfect lives. But when reality comes and when I do meet these people - depression. abyss. bottomless.

I am still learning to be secure in the Lord, by constantly putting ME-self on the wonderful Cross. It was never about "me" and what "I" can do. It is always about what God wants to do through me. There, is the expecting, the responding, the choice, the freedom - the opening up of opportunities, while the former is always about the closing and limiting of opportunities.

I had an emo-moment in the shower... was thinking about why my position at the various positions in society. Like, my constant 'here but not-quite-here' kind of feeling. Like I'm in USP, but I'm not entirely in USP. There is a kind of self-selection among people who enter USP, and many come from that privileged background. But then, so do I. I should never have thought about judging. It (my social interactions with other USP people) should always have been about an emotional engagement and a response... Not a sideways glance of condemnation, but to always engage in compassion and love. Taking up the Cross daily is then not just a daily denial of the self, but an active engagement with the Lord that opens up opportunities to serve others.

I guess it means that I learn some things today.

Thank You Jesus! By grace I learn, by grace I do.

childhood wishes do come true sometimes

This entry... is going to be about... childhood wishes...

When I was younger and much more foolish, I prayed - yes, I really prayed, for a good height. And today I stand at 184.

I prayed that my name would be in the papers before 21, or something like that. And YouthInk published a 3-liner I wrote before my birthday, earlier in 2008.

I had an infatuation about physics and Einstein - and I'll be going to Princeton - albeit for a one-week trip! I'll definitely drop by the Institute of Advanced Study - where Einstein worked for a while in the States... And perhaps a cold snap there might fulfill another childhood wish - to feel snow.

I thank God for all the wishes He has fulfilled in my life, in so many different ways... I would NEVER have thought that I could go to princeton, since I wasn't quite mart enough. But still, its kinda funny the way things turn out.

And I'll be at NY, and TED has a HQ there. Naturally... (that'll be so many dreams fulfilled already!)

I put my life into His hands.

I KNOW that more of my desires and wishes, will be fulfilled... More things, big and small will be fulfilled. Its all a matter of timing, I guess.

Thank You, Father, Lord of my life.

revisiting an old idea...

A few days ago I was thinking about an old idea - to have a conference/event where people present and share their ideas about the future of Singapore. Really. Have people/students gather in small groups, and think about socio/technological change in the next 20, 40, or even 60 years. Present pictures of optimism, pessimism, failure and success - how, and why things get to there.

Need lots of official partners though, for the prize money and promises of internship at specific government ministry.