everyday is meant to be beautiful

politics of alienation, compassion in SG + usual frustrations

2009-12-13T19:33:00.003+08:00

During a recent ICT, had the chance to meet with all the lao chiao people - the old birds; the veterans who have heard from other friends about their ICT experience... Although there are many things to be said about the entire ICT experience, this post does not intend to look into this; rather, I will explore other issues - in particular, those relating to how people experience the SG bureaucracy.

I am beginning to think of the key words that will shape the vision that I have - they are 'engagement', 'compassion', 'openness''... In essence, I want to mean this: that there needs to be an acceptance of worldviews, of the plurality in SG society - to be aware of this plurality, and to reformulate policies to address those issues. In other words, there is also a requirement for compassionate and empathetic policymakers, who need to step in the shoes of the people whose policies they will affect. I hear of stories of prostitutes being expatriated for two years but foreign wives being expatriated indefinitely... One really wonders about the genuine rationale behind some of the policies, and wonders about the degree of information control and openness to Singaporeans to debate and discuss these issues. One wonders too, about the kind of feedback received by REACH... I've always thought about some of these things in connection to the reasons for the conduct of NS - defending SG - but what kind of SG do I want to defend? An SG that continually closes the doors of engagement by a concerned citizenry? I'm really conflicted at times... If there is something truly worth defending, there will be commitment...

Without an engaged citizenry, you get a politics of alienation - where people are disconnected from the reality of their lives in not having any chance of engagement with the bodies that formulated the policies. When people are disempowered by the bureaucracy of their countries, then what is left is something that robs the drive of people to live their lives, people that are covertly oppressed in not realising the potential of their lives, in following uncritically the values being told from governments. Surely this existence is a poorer one compared to an alternative where people are given the chance to actively define, and shape their lives - where they can contribute in small but effective ways in the way their lives ought to be run by their country. While the condition is ideal, it also requires compassionate institutions that are willing to empathise with the way people live their lives,and to understand... Concerns of economics? Hmm, I really don't know...

The frustration part has to do with an old complaint: that the not-so-educated Singaporeans from a previous generation are essentially strangers in their own lands - they do not know English, and so are lost in our English-dominated streetscape - they can't get around without an English interpreter for them. This should not be the case... and reflects in a lack of empathy for the condition of thousands of Singaporeans who are lost...

from the BMW showroom

2009-12-13T14:49:00.003+08:00

Right now, almost 'live blogging' from the BMW showroom. My dad has decided to 'upgrade' from the Toyota Camry to a BMW 5-series. Similar engine capacity, similar shade even. One of the reason for the change of car, if not an 'upgrade', was due to the unique economic situation of car-ownership in Singapore - which encourages the change of cars every few years - possibly an environmental reason - new cars with better engines are less pollutive...

What bugs me though, is how divergent the mindsets are regarding things like car-buying and notions of success in life. BMW in SG, has been recognised as a status indicator - the 'made-it'-ness of the person who buys the car. They are happy not because of the change in car, parents are smiling because the new car is a BMW and that there are very few BMWs in the neighbourhood parking lot.

I couldn't care less. My idealistic self would like to deny these nearly-arbitrary notions of materialistic success. Also, I think about the cultural capital embedded in buying the car; buying a nice car does not equate to other notions of cultural capital... it still does not change who the person is, and how the person is embedded in some other social context...

I watch as my dad struggles with the technology that's in the car - heck, cars now come with this small screen and all, with additional controls. Although the incorporation of tech in cars is significant in its own right, what I'm interested in is how different generations have issues coping with tech as it comes along...

post-reservist

2009-12-13T00:43:00.002+08:00

There are many things that could be written about for this reservist. I could talk about... allocation of man, expectations of discipline, and so many other things. But for now, I will look at things from a sociological perspective and reflect on the things I learnt...

I realise that being in university exposes oneself to a limited subset of people in Singaporeans. The people who go to university have at least a mindset of a partially secured future, that at the minimum, they should graduate with a bachelor's degree - better than nothing in a qualification-driven society at least for entry positions.

However, I return to reservist, and the norm is for people NOT to have the advanced tertiary education of a university... Instead, these are people who survive through their wits alone, with the accumulation of insights and experience. They live by their cunning, their resourcefulness, and their EQ... However, they don't have a future entirely secured by themselves. They are risktakers, and that means they will resort to illegal activities at times... Sadly, they are also left out in the SG society - they are seen as callous, unruly... when in fact, they are more intelligent than the atas people at university give credit for.

I understand better now, this concept that SG is really on the verge of class warfare - because the cultural capital of the different parties are divergent, that these worlds, if not for the context of NS, do not interpenetrate at all, but are based on so different assumptions of success and failures. In my context, and perhaps for the university students; the scholars; success comes from the ability to participate in the system - notably the public sector, or the corporate sector. For these other people, success is defined by the sheer ability to make money by yourself - forming your own company perhaps... This really strikes me as an issue of empowerment - these people need to be further empowered with the necessary knowledge and skills; to give them more space to grow, and develop. These people do not do well in the current school system that we have - they simply have intelligence(s) that are not measurable by examinations and interviews, but by their ability to form and harness relationships for themselves. These people are the true masters of their own fate - no institution can fit to them - they will test the systems, find the loopholes, and exploit them to varying effects - the mindset of a ristktaker, an entrepreneur, and if given the right knowledge, could be the leaders of a different kind of economy in SG...

But SG institutions have ignored them...

To step into their world is to accept a different set of assumptions about the ways and means to live a life... hard work, perseverance and all these values take on different meanings in their application in their way of life...

Way of life... there isn't a 'way of life' in SG - there are different ways about it.

changes in the neighbourhood

2009-11-28T17:38:00.001+08:00

To myself, this seems ironic: I like change, but when it is unexpected, I find myself unable to accept it; yet plenty of changes unexpectedly happen...

I guess one of these examples have to do with the changes in the neighbourhood. Today I finally realise: an Indian barber whom I go to for haircuts is no longer gone. The sadder thing is that this was the same barber my mum would recommend; whom my dad would go to. I guess the Indian barber was old enough to retire. In the place of him, lie shelves of stuff, an 'organic' wholesaler from China nationals, I think.

So what do I make of these sudden, unexpected changes? Frankly, I wasn't totally surprise that he would go - people grow old, retire, and move on in their lives. I hope he has earned enough to retire comfortably for the next few decades of his life. And I guess I have to move on too, frequent another barber in the neighbourhood now, I think.

I wonder too, of the broader demographic changes - I there are many shops in the neighbourhood there have been in the entire span of my life and longer. The aquariums, the provision shops selling household items; the bakery; the many other provision shops; the coffeeshops... I have to, eventually, realise that none of these things will stay for long - the shop owners are near their retirement age, and they too, will fade away.

Yes, nostalgia is seeping in, there's simply something, missing... almost as if a part of you, or at least, a part of the memory has faded away, like a phantom limb, and though one thinks that its there, it really isn't - hence the cognitive dissonance - the disconnect that results. And this change is just is - it is neither good nor bad - it is value-neutral. The change is neither too fast nor too slow - the change has simply happened. And many more changes will happen, for example, USP will move to the Residential College, University Town, and for those involve in it, that change is looming, it will happen, and then it becomes - it has happened. To the alumni whose memory of USP has become fixed onto USP @ Blk ADM, it will be a change that they too, will have to accept... Situations change, people change, and those affected by the change are simply left to cope - find the alternative barber (which I have), or simply learn to get use to the change instead of grumbling about it constantly. Change simply is, most times. Like the cells in the body, like the sky and the clouds, like the waves in the ocean...

EMpulse-Bursts

2009-11-23T22:54:00.003+08:00

Empulse-bursts is not a typo - Electrical impulses, was thinking of cloudbursts... I realised that when I force myself to focus when I run, I am in actual fact, meditating. And here's the 'rain':

1. I think there is a different way to conceptualise knowledge and academia, and I was thinking of this as friends were debating about psychology and sociology. I realise that different subjects are more like points in a network of knowledge, and that every point emanates influence from a metaphorical origin. Imagine waves radiating outwards from a pebble being dropped in the pond. Semiotics becomes the study of how these waves form, and what happens when they intersect - how knowledge is being created, perhaps.

Less metaphorically, semiotics is a thread that connects the different fields, in the investigation of how raw sense-data becomes knowledge, of how things become known and have meaning. It is both cognition and social constructions - because nothing in the material world has any meaning-in-itself, the meaning is given by people, and I think its a place where semiotics comes in and becomes part of the explanation.

2. Was thinking about pedagogy, was thinking that USP students are a demanding lot, and will demand high quality instructors as well. While we have always taken charge of our own education, what I'm trying to get at is that, where is the line where students decide what is being actually thought? And this leads into the next point...

3. If USP instructors are facilitators of knowledge, then this must mean, in certain instances, that students are, together with the instructors, co-creating knowlege together. Continuing on, where is the space of criticism of instructors by students? This criticism must necessarily be based on respect and decency, but I was wondering, how would instructors come to terms with this criticism? And this leads to...

4. Alan Kay said that the best way to predict the future is to make it. If we at USP are in the process of co-creating knowledge, might not we take the next step and begin to shape the future? While students can be thought of as future-in-waiting, I'm really wondering, to what extent can that future be realised? And so, on a not-so-unrelated point,

5. I'm struggling with myself, and still figuring out what is 'smartness'. My current thought is this: Social Darwinism, social engineering will fail, because genetically, getting people of the same phenotype (smartness) together would sometimes mean the meeting of genotype. Exercising social darwinism leads to some degree of inbreeding, and in some instances, retardation. I take the view that people are all smart, but that their smartness lies in different areas, and it is up to institutions to develop, and nurture those smartness. (was wondering about those government scholars - how 'smart' are they? they must definitely, certainly be very smart. so how do i 'compare' to them? they certainly can't think the thoughts i do!)

6. Which leads to the conception of democracy: in the naive case, democracy is meant to be a system of debate, of a marketplace of ideas, where ideas are debated, and thought through, and the belief is that the best ideas, by their own 'best-ness' will prevail. But that does not happen, and we end up with the belief that certain people are more worthy than others to weign in on a debate, which leads to inequality, exploitation, oppression...

7. Media technology is then, a way to level the playing field, perhaps... Which leads me to the recurring idea that socialism will come not because of revolution, but because socialism will be preferred over capitalism (stone age didn't end because we run out of stones; capitalism won't end because we run out of capital). Perhaps if we can find different perceptions of capital...

8. What we want isn't better, or newer technology - what we want are engaged, more-informed tech! And it is that socially, humanly-informed technology that might get socialism started...

9. And a world system: first started thinking about money, about how a single piece of paper note is really a contract of payment, that a $2 notes does not mean that the paper alone is worth $2, but is in fact, a promise of payment to be paid something worth $2. Extending the concept to the limit, then, international process can be thought of as things-in-process, waiting to become things-to-be. This process is never really complete. Eg., international aid: where assistance if offered to countries with the hope that these countries will develop. (aware of complications, but for the time being...) a semiotic conception of this system would look into how aid in itself becomes a sign-relation, that the sign 'aid' means within it, the outcome of development. But since things are evidently not so, aid is then, in actuality, a process of things-to-be. Thinking of Novogratz's notion of patient capitalism, where funds are not simply 'things' that arrive at a particular client, but instead carry along with it the whole development process that needs to be followed through... .

techno-socialism (kevin kelly got there first)

2009-11-01T19:26:00.002+08:00

1. Wondering: if its possible to measure social/cultural capital, and you latch on some kind of management, distribution system to it, I think its going to look like socialism a lot. The measurement of the social/cultural capital is the problematic part, and I'm thinking if thats where the tech part will come in providing new ways to measure the intangible.

When I'm thinking of this, the Niels Bohr quote comes to mind, 'We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question that divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.'

2. So... This socialism I observe stems from my observations of technology - that Wikipedia, Internet, and various such projects have come into existence by the sheer goodwill of people, and I think if socialism is going to arrive, it won't be due to a revolution which overthrows capitalism, but the result of incremental progress made possible by the developments in technology, as how steam engines led to the 'Industrial Revolution', and to the capitalism of our present day.

This observation also stems from my observation that 'social change' usually creeps along - dramatic revolution is the exception to the norm, and so... yeap.

3. The third thread to this idea is this: that I observe that technology consists of the embodiment of ideas (remind me to read Paperclip). It is really difficult to abstract the social from any of our present-day artifice. Hence everyday-objects embody some kind of logic, and I believe in our everyday, that logic is our contemporary-capitalism - in the creation of wants, the accumulation of material, and that it is then possible to imagine a different kind of world where the everyday-logic is composed of a different set of assumptions, one that is reflected in the physical technology of things. One could imagine the forms of technology that constantly levels any hierarchy in society - in such a way, inequality is minimized to perhaps, an infinitesimal extent - and that everyone's inequality keeps things equal because of the deployment of technology in asymmetrical ways.

I'm thinking I'm not the first to... oh, Kevin Kelly wrote about it...

http://www.wired.com/culture/culturereviews/magazine/17-06/nep_newsocialism?currentPage=all

Now we're trying the same trick with collaborative social technology, applying digital socialism to a growing list of wishes—and occasionally to problems that the free market couldn't solve—to see if it works. So far, the results have been startling. At nearly every turn, the power of sharing, cooperation, collaboration, openness, free pricing, and transparency has proven to be more practical than we capitalists thought possible. Each time we try it, we find that the power of the new socialism is bigger than we imagined.

So.. I think its really interesting that socialism could come from so unexpected a source!

had fun on tv!

2009-10-30T00:35:00.003+08:00

I'm extremely thankful to God for making tonight possible! Truly, all things have been ordained in His time. I met really nice people, and I really liked what I said back there. I talked about my passion for my generation and for SG's future, and I'm glad I said what I said - it was the things I've always wanted to say!

I have my opinions on other things, such as how SMU people 'are' - how they talk, and why, and some of it is unpleasant stuff. But to be fair to them, they embody passion too, its just well...

And another thing that kinda bugged me was that... very few of my good friends watched it. I thank those who did watch it very much, but for the rest... well... there was a halloween event, but can't help feeling slightly hurt. But its ok. Have to move on.

So thats that! Looking forward to the alumni dinner, and hope to meet cool people there, establish relationships and all!

woot!

Thank God!

KRMF

2009-10-20T04:50:00.004+08:00

I was at a recent KRMF - stands for Kent Ridge Ministerial Forum, where MM Lee shared his 'insights' from the questions that were being asked.

Frankly, I didn't learn anything much, as the questions felt 'standard' - asking about how the financial crisis affected global balance of power, how negotiations in Copenhagen could proceed, and general threats of national identity arising from immigration and so on... He did mention several worries about demographics and the work ethic, but more importantly, the forum informed me about his frame of mind.

Assuming that the answers reflected his frame of mind, I am led to the conclusion that MM Lee is still in his immediate-post-65 mindset, where the main concern was the immediate struggle to survive, to get an economy up and going, a military force ready, to feed and house what, 2M Singaporeans back then, and so on. He did a fabulous job, and generations of Singaporeans should be grateful for what he did back then, as he laid the foundations of the country. Here, it is important to note that I DO NOT DENY that he did a wonderful job for this country, and that he does deserve respect, adoration, and so on. However, my personal intuition is that the context of development has changed in the generations after him, and that it is necessary to look back, as well as look ahead to see where the future of Singapore might go, especially without him.

I would like to mention his mindset regarding 'work'. In his answer to 'the kind of values required for Singapore's future' - he mentioned 'WORK', and he goes back to talk about opening up SG to MNCs, and getting them to set up factories and so on. He almost seemed to romanticise that past, in emphasizing the social discipline and the sense of control that made for a 'compliant' workforce that was ready to 'obey' to the MNCs and made for optimal conditions for MNCs to work in. That was then.

Things have changed now. The nature of the economy is different - in particular the manufacturing industries now take a lesser share although they are still important jobs-wise. I would question if the manufacturing industries can remain the same source of growth in light of industrialising China and India, not to mention regional neighbours in how they can compete in terms of sheer numbers and cheap surplus labour. What about the recent drives towards the 'new economy' - is that empty rhetoric? But SG has invested millions in the design, creative industries, no? Those industries have a different work ethic, one that thrives on openness, creativity, spontaneous, hardly the things that call for social discipline and control.

Again, I do not deny that MM Lee has done a good job in this country, but in the present day, there is a need to look beyond the past that has been done, and look onward to the future. Surely he has created a good system that can be passed down to generations, but there must be room of improvements, no? And it is up to every generation examine the machinery that he has built - to replace the parts that are necessary but wearing down; to take down unnecessary parts; to put in new parts...

Well, he does not have to wait until after his death for historians to revise his history. For a better future for SG, we have to start thinking of life byond him.

A footnote of sorts: what is his influence in government? How much of that mindset is still percolated through the government?

3 letters and The Answer - Corrinne May

2009-09-25T19:47:00.005+08:00

I like Corrinne May's song - The Answer - from her album, The Gift. Its a Christmas album, but anyhow, there's this song that has stuck with me...

I believe You are the answer to every tear I’ve cried

I believe that you are with me,

My rising and my light.

Give me strength when I am weary
Give me hope when I can’t see
Through the crosses I must carry
Lord, bind my heart to thee

That when all my days are over
and all my chores are done,
I may see your risen Glory
Forever where You are.

I realise that when I talk about the 3 letters, it strikes something deep somewhere. I think about the time that I have left in this university, and I realise that the song need not refer to life in its entirety, but could be applicable to specific stages in life.

That when all my days are over need not mean the end of life, but the end of a phase. when my days are over in where I am, and all my chores are done - when all that I've wanted to do is done; I may see Your risen Glory, Forever where You are - will I?

Give me strength when I am weary - I have been so weary, so tired, will others understand? The communications to various people; crafting, conceptualising emails, withstanding criticisms, debate, every cut, injury, every little dying away - thats how it feels like sometimes...

Give me hope when I can't see - Is it all worth it? Will all that I do make a difference to anything? What if nothing needs to be done at all?

Through the crosses I must carry - All of it is a burden, the thoughts within, bearing it all, yet all of it is still necessary. The conversation has to start. If not me, will there be anyone? Should the current situation continue? Things can, and must be better, no? A fairer, and more equitable situation, more space to those who want more, respect to those who choose different paths. It is not the choice between better or worse, or good and bad, but between different paths altogether. That despite differences, we can still learn together, because making meaning is what we all want to do.

Lord, bind my heart to thee - well... I guess then, this is about for whom the heart beats for. I believe that there are answers, if not, the answer.

Addendum to previous post

2009-09-25T00:03:00.001+08:00

2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

-Amen.

more than running, more than gold

2009-09-24T22:14:00.002+08:00

I got gold today, and I ran the 2.4km at a surprisingly good timing - one that i didn't even expect myself. So I thank God.

But today I learnt something during the run too. Perhaps it was the bananas - but whatever it was, during the run, stitches came up, and I remember the pace slackened a bit. By then I was running 7.40 and entering into the last round. I could relax - but no.

I decided to push. In earlier runs, I had learnt that in running, all the sensations are a matter of mind. One can push beyond limits should one choose to. So I pushed, ignored the stitch and strided the last stretch.

Pain. But so what? That's what life is, no? Carrying on despite the pains that we might experience, despite everything. And we move on. Because there are things larger than the pains that we feel.

And I guess I learnt that today, I can push on despite pain, despite everything. This realisation... its going to... be useful this semester and for the years ahead.

I love running.

Thanks to friends for encouragement and support! Looking forward to treating people!
Praise God!

recent trends september 2009

2009-09-20T00:32:00.004+08:00

Its the mid-sem break already. I shall avoid using the term 'time flies so fast'. Because thats simply not true. Its about being focused with the time at hand - thats what I've learnt.

Been thinking about USP, and its late at night, and I'm not willing to go through all that I've said on Facebook and emails. I hope it suffices to say that I'm concerned about the student community that is existing in USP, and I think that there are some structural issues in USP that might undermine the long-term viability of USP - which I would like to come back to as an alumni...

As for social life wise. I'm willing to accept the possibility that I might not have the time/energy to enter into a relationship this semester. Simply no time.

hmm.. in sum, USP belongs to God. So... Lord, You alone are in control of things, and of course, my social life as well.

Tired. shall sleep.

saturday and sunburnt skin

2009-09-15T13:14:00.002+08:00

I got my face sunburnt on Saturday. As sunburnt skin goes, it peels away, and falls to the ground. The skin that peels away is dark, blackened, by the sun. As it falls away, it looks like ash - transparent ash.

How poetic - I thought, sunburnt skin, peeling away like ash.

Like a phoenix, a self renewing from the ashes of itself. The outward is wasting away, the inward ever renewing. We are renewing ourselves everyday, as the cells die and peel away into dust...We die everyday, and yet renewed - how weird.

To remind myself

2009-09-11T02:25:00.002+08:00

Recently, I had a very nice lunch with a friend from church. My cell leader, actually.

I talked about how busy I could be, about my interests, and he began to draw me towards the roots of my interests.

Love.

Love, through SMS - technology. Love, for people in the future - environment. Love, for people in need - public policy. Designing policies to embed love. Its not as fluffy as one might think. Love has to be at the centre of intention in relation to everything we do - in the things we think about, in the things that we study. Love for others, with the love from God. Love has to be that driving force, or the policies, the innovations mean nothing at all.

With this statement, I bring myself to 1 Corinthians 13.

And from verse 7:

It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I guess for me, Love coupled with knowledge - I aspire to that.

Loyalty

2009-09-09T10:48:00.001+08:00

I was thinking about the concept of loyalty as I was discussing with my friend about who should deserve to go on this glass plaque displaying honour roll participants.

Since this was a USP honour roll, he pointed out to me that there were brilliant people who had only taken 2 USP modules, nonetheless, they were still up on the honour roll.

I said that I would remove them, that they do not 'deserve' to be on this honour roll, that they righfully belong to other honour rolls, just not the USP one.

My friend that protested that this was a sign of elitism.

Then the conversation ended. I was bugged by this conversation since I've always been anti-elitism.

Is USP elitist? I would simply say that its different, as Science is different from Arts. There is no 'better' or 'worse' when it comes to different styles of education. I stray away from such direct value judgments, and would only think about efficacy depending on the specific contexts.

As for myself, I think its a loyalty issue, and how much individuals feel connected to the entire USP set-up. I've had the opportunity to go for some USP-sponsored programmes, and I've learnt a lot from there; in addition, I've become more integrated to the USP community over the past year, be it through the normal, everyday interactions, or through the participation of certain projects. Not to mention that I'm keep regular contact with the staff and administration - I guess I'm pretty much a USP denizen. I think about ways to enhance the community by thinking through projects, and since I'm starting one myself, I cannot divorce these pursuits from social, and emotional linkages. I feel a sense of belonging, but I would competely understand if other people don't feel the same way that I do, particularly if they are highly driven individuals who feel that USP is not their thing. But what I will not tolerate, and perhaps this is really what might upset people, is if these people continue to piggyback along the USP branding to add some nice stuff on their CV.

I think such activities hurt USP in the long run, in leeching resources that would benefit more deserving individuals who have given a lot of their time and energy to USP projects.

Now all of these are subjective, and prone to superficial value judgments.

Naturally, that means I'm in a bind: how do you include/exclude people from such a system, especially if there are no means of effective sanctions?

Very clearly, this is not an issue of elitism, but resource allocation and value judgements - how do you decide if one individual is more deserving than another?

I'll keep thinking about this at the back of my head.

For any institution, barriers will have to be drawn, boundaries clearly marked, in order to preclude the participation of non-contributing individuals - it has to be, or it'll be a tragedy of the commons problem.

Breaking down the term 'loyalty' as a social construct... hmm... collective effervescence...

week 5 2009!

2009-09-07T08:34:00.002+08:00

This week is... Week 5. The first set of assignments have started coming in, and I shall not go into panic mode because of that. Social life-wise, things are alright. I've settled my passions (eros-wise), and trying to 'cruise' in the philia-mode.

Just some things between I settle the first 5 weeks of school - I'm really glad to have my friends doing the Public Policy Challenge together. We all worked really hard, and it was really a group effort, so much so that I don't think I could point to one spot and say, 'I did it', because we all pitched in at various sections of the policy recommendations. To think of it, I thank God for bringing us altogether, that we could all contribute because we are so different. We, the random person, the broad-minded, the skeptic, the optimist, not to mention having someone who's studying public policy itself - and it is such a tremendous boost! Also, someone who has worked with the group that is the subject of this first phase... We bring together our diverse experiences, question and challenge each other, but at the same time, working together towards convergence. We challenge the views, not the person, I think, and its all good.

I feel good about the Public Policy Challenge. To God the Glory!

relationships and all

2009-09-05T09:20:00.002+08:00

Recently at chatterbox, I heard somone saying something about the need to be in a relationship for 'someone to talk to when you feel tired'. I thought about it, and since the person was talking about being in a relationship, I would wonder if this was the time I should start thinking about committing to anyone in particular. But then, as I thought more about it, I realised that I was in no position to do so. My heart is flawed, and will always be - the love that I give will always be imperfect. In other words, I will not be able to love as I should. At this moment, I realise that being with God is that perfect relationship that I would need - He being the person to talk to when I'm tired, to be strengthened, to go on in life. The physical touch and warmth of a hand might be reassuring, but that too, is imperfect.

So for now, I'll be really careful to whom I pour my heart out to. Until I can find the people I can float around with consistently, things about emotions and relationships will be moot. Besides, I'm not capable of giving truly now. I think my emotions are still in a rather fragile state now, and I'll only be a burden to the person I'll be sharing with. It has to be a reciprocal thing: I'll be sharing a lot, but will I be willing to receive in return? I cannot say for certain, so I shall move really slowly when it comes to relationships...

Another lesson made possible, by the intense relationships in USP...

one month already!?!

2009-09-03T22:38:00.002+08:00

I can scarcely believe that one month has already passed. Yet the forth week is soon to end, and...

I still need to read more of some modules, to get a better, more comprehensive understand of the things that I'm studying. I thank God that I can keep my fridays free specifically for that purpose. Also, I have alternate Wednesdays free, which I think is also another manifestation of the grace of God.

CIR is coming along fine, and I'll be facilitating/managing sessions on fridays. Which means that something has to give...

My very own seminar series - the TED/related sharings, is soon to birth, and as with every birth, there are birth pangs; there are difficulties, there are management issues to settle. But even all that will come to pass, and by the grace of God, I'll be able to impart my knowledge and experience to the USP community.

And Leadership Programme...

Hmm...

And then the rest of the semester will come to pass....

All Glory to God.

11th day of school 09/10

2009-08-25T08:43:00.002+08:00

It's been 3 months since the previous acad year started, and I realised that already, I've given my heart away to people and not probably be getting anything back.

I guess thats the notion of 'unconditional love' operating, but that is so damn hard! Now I know why people talk about drawing from God, because if you don't, its all to easy to become bitter, frustrated, and disappointed with people, because through all these giving, expectations are created, and... life becomes messy...

'Just give lorh' - is not an easy thing to live by.

Also want to say a few things though. Lord, I realise that I need You, more than I've ever realised. I claim the words in 2 Corinthians 12:9 - But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."...

Last night, in a rush to catch up with the printings from tourism, I took away time for QT. Not the best thing to do.

I thank You for the bright mornings, the clear skies, the rain during the previous night. I thank You for friends, and I pray for lasting friendships. Father, continue to soften my heart, and to commit my relationships into Your hands. I place my friends' relationships into Your hands as well - bless them, and pray that Your destiny for them might not be thwarted by the evil one.

I commit the rest of today into Your loving hands. May Your glory be served, not mine. In all these I pray, in Jesus' most holy name. Amen.

a new habit...

2009-08-18T00:08:00.002+08:00

For 2 a few nights now, I walk out of my PGP room, and walk. Usually towards Chatterbox, then pop in and see who remains there, then pop out back to PGP.

I usually think thrugh things and reflect upon recent events, and do a little bit of worship, and a bit of prayer, like solitude.

And it's a nice thing to do, especially when I realise that I cannot force myself to stay in the room...

Tonight I realised nothing new. It was a reminder that as things change, they stayed the same too.

My approach to topics have changed, but I'm still passionate or at least, interested in the same few things. I still think about environment, and I still think about how people make sense of information. It's just that I have new things to think about - sociology of science, of knowledge, and semiotics to bring these things to bear on various analyses. I still have an active mind, still thinking about many ideas - but the main threads still remain.

This time last year, I was still interested in information technologies and still concerned about climate change. At that level, nothing has changed!

The friends have stayed the same, but changed as well. We are not taking the same modules, and new relationships have developed that let old bonds weaken a bit. But no matter. There is still time, time enough to catch up, but these are moments to treasure, to cherish.

Love remains.

Day 4 august 2009

2009-08-15T10:10:00.001+08:00

I remember that I wanted to blog, but I promptly fell asleep. Yeah. Yesterday was only Friday, only Day 4, yet a tremendous sense of fatigue and weariness has already descended upon us.

At this stage, one realises the importance of friends who feel as weary, if not more weary than you, and the need for mutual support to survive another semester, another year, fraught with many more assignments, projects, deadlines...

In quietness, one realises the life enriched by these people, despite the hurts and pains one gets through the course of study, and one wonders whether giving anything was worth everything.

Ultimately, life is still alone, the choices and decisions of one - alone, deciding the paths... it is a powerful, burden-full thing to think of, and that is where even friends cannot come in. Yep. Life is still, and will always be, it seems, a lonely life.

But friends make it infinitely more bearable.

Pardon my morning grammar.

the times i run at NUS

2009-08-13T01:02:00.002+08:00

I enjoy running at NUS. I know its not exactly the sanest thing to do, considering that sometimes I run the slopes deliberately. Its this strange sense of catharsis, of clearing up certain thoughts. And here they are, as I went to run, and the thoughts that came up.

The first time I ran at NUS, it was the first year, and it was all so emotionally exciting, with many ups and downs - and that was felt in the run that I did - the strenuous uphills and the relaxing downhills.

But as I ran again, the feelings are different. It is still the same run, but the runner has changed. The slopes now mean something different - no longer the rawness nor the intensity of the slopes, but something else, that just slipped my mind. There was something that I grasped... the hills, the slopes, of the going up and the going down. It might not have been about the journey that we take, but about an experience through life.

The challenges of life will always be with us - in school, out of school, and after school. The destination matters, but the process of the journey is as important as the destination. I remember noting that I would want to come back to USP and mentor the students to think about their lives and how to get there. I think about the sobering fact that I would not have thought about doing sociology. In fact, if I were to come to FASS in my first year, I would instead have been hot-headed about political science.

As Dr Ryan says, Steve Jobs' connecting the dot backwards is too simplistic, but it is a beautiful narrative nonetheless. Its amazing that I stumbled into Dr Don's class - a semiotician, and how I got infected with certain ideas, and how all of that has led me in my current direction... deep insightful stuff...

And so the slopes on NUS mean something different to me now, though I still can't quite get it.

ooh..

2009-08-09T22:30:00.003+08:00

I was in the shower when...

Milo. A chocolate drink. Chocolate powder with a bit of water. When it settles, it's not nice to drink. Need to stir it a little.

God never allows things in our lives to become still, or stale. From time to time, He stirs, so that the chocolate powder becomes more distributed around the cup... It's a bad analogy. And then He drinks, and its good.

USP won best faculty float design. Emotions poured out. It was weird. I don't really know how to feel. It certainly feels good since I helped applied papier marche and paint in some areas, but I didn't got myself completely involved in it... It certainly makes me thing about a few things, looking at the graduated seniors who come down and helped in many crucial areas. There must be something magical, perhaps, in bringing people together to do a tremendously large project. I guess it is in such events, where the more you give, the more you received - to know that all you do is not in vain.

And so too, marks the end of the holidays.

I've gotten my new card as an FASS student. The rest of the next 3 years await. I pray that my move was Your move, not mine. Everything I have - all my milo powder, come only from You. Stir in my life what needs to be stirred. Help me Lord, to be effective and efficient for You. That the experiences in my life will shape me to what I need to be for You. So Lord, the rest of my life You already know. Help me walk through it.

Amen

experiences in this weirdly-spent holiday

2009-08-06T00:55:00.002+08:00

I now take the time to pause and reflect on the things I've experienced. I learnt a few things, and here are my thoughts:

The path to maturity is laid with sacrifices. A person matures as he/she understands and commits to the sacrifices that have to be made. That statement brings me to the notion of dying to self, and to God. Everything that we have is from Him, and we have to be willing to let go - everything. Friends, and relationships should all be at that altar of sacrifice. Sometimes, this can be difficult, but it has to be done.

I did some not-so-good things. I let people in on the many areas of USP life - some not so good, some alright. Things, such as the social structures and the social realities of USP, and the good and bad of it.

I'm now doing things with Rag - busy making floats and stuff. I never committed, since I knew very well that I could not commit. I salute and respect the people who have committed their time, effort, tears and blood to this project, but I cannot help but feel...

Social credibility, standing, acknowledgment of the work done, of being a team player, of not fooling around, of being treated seriously, of being respected - these are the things that you gut should you choose to commit and do the right things. If not, social pariah awaits.

Alas, but at the end, the rewards are... questionable. I never did the freshman activities during my time - but I have still managed to enter into the social relationships in USP. It is possible to enter into cliques should one make the effort to spend time and crap around, but be serious during crunch time. This is what it takes to be visible. But after that, what?

Its not about the organisers, its not about the leaders... its not about them at all. It's about people getting value and the relationships being made between people that matters. But all of that only takes place at that moment in time and in place - after that, these things are all up in the air, and relationships change. Throughout the semester, we will learn new insightful revelations about particular people, and perceptions change.

Perhaps we find, even with close friends, how apart, or how close we really are. Close friends become distant, and strangers become the best of friends. I have experienced these, and then some. People come together, people fall apart. But we are made of more than stars.

Some of this brings me tangentially to leadership. Leadership gets found out. Its about whether you serve to glorify yourself, or serve to add value to others. If people ask me how I define the meaning of life, I'll say, find it in God, and how you give value to the people around you. I think that might be the whole point of Christianity, since salvation is the ultimate, valuable thing. But if they don't like it, continue to give value to others in different ways.

Haha. I could do a help-others (as opposed to self-help) gig on this thread. haha.

some thoughts about education

2009-08-01T19:33:00.001+08:00

After going around places, I have some opinion about SG education. Not that it would be mindblowing.

The distinction I want to make is between efficient and being effective.

SG education seems to churn out efficient people, who can do great things, like solve problems and write wonderful essays. What it does not do so well, is to train people to be effective people - what to do with all these wonderful skills that they end up with.

In fact, that is all the difference there is. SG has brilliant people - no doubt about that. The question then is, where do these brilliant people go? Because these people found no avenue of being effective, they end up being baited by SG govt dangling prestigious looking packages called PSC scholarships. Or the lure of money in the finance sector. It's because we don't have a truly effective programme for education that talent is lost... When these scholars go overseas, they realise that they don't want to be efficient for the government, and conflicts arise. They want to be effective for themselves.

The difference is really subtle - and its sometimes difficult to tell them apart. The difference is really this: being effective is about knowing what you want to do and why. Unless an education can teach people how to do that, then really, everything else is moot.