wearing ankle weights, hurray!

as i'm typing, my ankles are being strapped with weights. and i'm back to reading War and Peace after a what, 2-year? hiatus?

i've been looking at how my friends have changed. naturally, i think about how i've changed. i dunno, not much, except that i'm rapidly losing my fire for the things that used to interest me so much. Politics... haha. it used to be my life, and now and laugh and cringe a little when i said i wanted to be a political analyst. but i know i still can be one. i got bored of politics after i realised that it was all the same, after a while. it just sucks that there's no way we can all get back to 'where we were'... many things poison the world, and power is one poison from which the world might never recover from.

as for physics, i'm through with fantasizing that i'm gonna be a nobel one day, so thats that. i have higher chances with chemistry, haha... but who am i kidding...

i'm through with the human sciences - sociology, economics, politics (just mentioned)... i leave these to the genuine experts.

and biology? of genetics, human ethics, consciousness, evolutionary psychology... heck it larh.

and can i finally say that i'm through with fantasies of the female kind? haha...

so yeah. i'm bored. bored. bored. bored. bored...

and now i find comfort and solace in corrine may's beautiful seed. the album is truly beautiful.

i used to swore that i'll prevent gulags and holocausts from happening if i could help it. but now, i can't. without the oxygen of support, the candle of activism can hardly burn. so the flame flickers now.

29th september 2007

i guess i've led a largely tame, boring, uninteresting life, when compared to others. i guess so because of the lives i've seen others led. haha. their lives sure sounds more fun than mine. all the clubbing, band-ing, canoeing, all their challenges, fun and... relationships... i guess these are the things that make a person genuinely mature - socially. maybe its what makes lives tick - you know, just go astray... but thats precisely where its also most dangerous, unfortunately. a little going off astray and suddenly your life just becomes worse off somehow. or something totally unexpected.

or maybe a boring, uninteresting, dull life is what others think is close to perfection, simple days of mugging and playing... i dunno. i've got hardly a life and space for myself. overprotected and overpampered - spoilt. haha.

i look at my past acquaintances and just cannot believe that life can take such huge turns for some of these people. if you were to guess at our lives plainly from PSLE results, then you would have expected a linear progression for most of these people, that some of them, would have eventually gone on to... say, university and other higher studies. but of course, like i said, life takes huge turns for some of them... some of them fall out along the wayside, while some others managed to hold onto their paths. so the old cliche remains, its not what you are, its the choices you make. this is how the worst sinners can still go to heaven - by a choice.

been reading about gulag. and i'm appalled about the inhumanity of the gulags as it existed in leninist and stalinist times.. so i thank God for the life i've here, thats at least superficially free, that there aren't any arbitrary arrests unless there's genuine evidence, that although sometimes political lawsuits can be exaggerated, but still there those politicians bother to explain despite the genuine stupidity of their claims.

military service and its paranoia of self-image. its plain stupid. if everyone knows the truth about how bad it is, why still bother maintaining an image? it is the truth after all, but guess the truth hurts some more than others, and its just unfortunate that the 'some' happens to be rather important stakeholders in the system. so like an institution where the people begin to bother about their own survival rather than the growth of their own instititution... - rent-seeking behaviour, isn't that what it is, in cheem-sounding economic lingo?

23rd september 2007

tomorrow is the start of ex bear 2. we've been through bear once, last year... and this time... we don't know what to expect...

maybe because now i'm playing a RPG, with all its quests, i wonder if RPG are so successful because of its use of quests as a storyline. but what the heck - i'm no game expert. anyway, just thought of an interesting parallel between RPGs and life. is life just a sum of quests in a larger story? we choose our life paths, and strive to complete the required quests. hahaha.

recently been talking to a friend i've met since childhood, only actually, recently since i thought of all my childhood friends. some of those who had a promising future just... i don't know why, just... fell by the wayside... some of them live broken lives now. ... ...

there isn't much more for me to talk about, other than the same few things. so i'm bored. i get bored too easily...

20th september 2007

i dun feel so good. feverish. sucks. still recovering. and not going to recover soon. stayed the whole day at home just to recover. aww man...having a stupid blister on my foot. and an exercise next week... aww man... oh well...

16th september 2007

finished a horrid live-firing exercise, horrid not because the exercise itself sucked, but horrid because of the mosquitoes. there are whole patches of bites on my arms, back and legs, and after some treatment, my back looks like it got painted... and its still itching...

nope, we are not getting welfare, saturday was the live-firing, and i'm booking in later tonight already. oh well.

the only plus point tho was that i managed to catch a sentry position where i could face the sea and look at the shore opposite. that was cool. and some fancy equipment - which unfortunately didn't work...

anyway, hope with the purchase of the thigh pouch, i would have satisfied my desire for military-inspired bags and pouches. whoopee.

been reading russian authors. and its really amazing... their level of observation and detail, as if it were all true in itself. i wonder, how come russian authors could write like that during the 19th century... and what are their equivalents, if any in the present day? finished with dostoyevsky's brothers karamazov and now moving on to tolstoy's anna karenina. and after that, i'll be finally continuing on with war and peace...

these few days have been.... eventful, even without the exercise. there were surprise nights out and other actually-insignificant events, and everything just... merged into one blur even as i try to remember it. as in, i cannot believe that all of these happened entirely within the space of one week. woah.

i feel so... sigh... lack of a social life. army aside. maybe thats why i may secretly harbour an actual liking for army because i'm with people. haha. that would be a major joke.

things aside, really been falling by the wayside. too busy reading russian authors. led by the spirit...... what does it exactly entail? arrrrgh....

New Creation's news of their church...
its just sorta offensive to some people that churches should be this rich and this ostentatious with their wealth... ... ... ... arh well...

7th september 2007

i'm at home today due to off, but i'll have to back in camp tomorrow for office duty. arh well. can't have everything. anyway, it sucks when the heart feels like crying but tears won't flow from the eyes.

been trying to find old friends from friendster. found a few, and will continue as my memories chance upon them.

and when i do find them and see how much they've changed, and then you can't relate to them at all. friends fade away into mere acquaintances in the background, just another character chanced upon. the feeling of closeness is already gone, and you don't feel any sadness because... they're no longer there, like they never existed before. but they do! and you feel sad, because... you lost them......

training is becoming tough again, with all these route marches and all the going around in circles and circles and more circles. its really very mental mental mental. and now i'm nursing this painful blister on my feet. OUCH.

other than that, there ain't nothing much, as usual.

5th september 2007

suddenly, typing the words bring so much joy, because it sounds so much like end of the year and end of the year coincides with my ORD... haha. how fast. how slow. what silly contradictions.

oh well. lotsa things happened, but those were the usual things, so there isn't much to be said. just that right now, i'm high on reading novels, was at orson scott card, now at robert heinlein, and then, just a little of literature in dostoevsky...

was at army open house, and beyond the fun stuff, there ain't much anymore. still, it attracted a little of the mil-geek in me... anyway, bought this rucksack so it wasn't a total loss anyway.

discovered my bro's PSP with this mindless game ... haha...

met my childhood friend, suddenly felt a little attracted towards her, but then that was that. the feelings's subsided so it doesn't really matter after all. and found more friends... haha...oh well...

the week was long, but the weeks will be longer still...