31st may 2007 - lazy day

today, nothing much was done. i just stayed at home and continued going through books. but i need to get new notebooks again. i did a bit of mental calculation. assume i wrote 250 words per page, and the average notebook has about 150 pages, and i have about 10 notebooks already, how many words have i written already? the answer, ~375,000 words? .... and yet the use of these words are nothing. my words are nothing, my thoughts are nothing. arh well. haha.

i just encountered a book which i think i will most probably get. its by carl sagan and its called 'varieties of scientific experience'. honestly, i don't know why i'm so interested at the intersection of science and religion. i really have no idea why. but oh dear. i'll be busting my bank account again, as usual. even the privilege card can't help me a lot.

arh well. why am i such a sucker for books?

30th may 2007 - a little rest yet for the labours to come

i am at home because of a holiday. and i have about ~24hrs to spend at home before i get back to camp again.

i tend to think that most of the things that happen to us are of no real consequence, because when things happen, they happen, and there is nothing we can do about certain things most of the time anyway. things are usually beyond our control. so yeah. i tend to view things from a detached manner, the big picture sort of thing, and it sucks, because its just another way of sitting on the fence, but what the heck.

its easy to be selfish. hee. we all are, to some extent. so yeah. although some of us are working to reduce that extent of selfishness, we lapse every now and then.

there seems to be nothing much of anything left for me to do. except to finish up the remaining books, and not to buy anymore of books for the time being. i feel like i've done enough - i'm now more or less well acquainted with natural and social sciences, and now i'm doing goethe, milton and dante. so yeah. and its nice to read about someone like freeman dyson, who comes along and is fully able to communicate add that little bit of aesthetic to science.

maybe i'm really that tired from reading about so many things... arh well.

haha. on a lighter side, oh dear, i really shouldn't have ordered and eaten that mcspicy. now i have a sore throat. now i add eating fastfood at night on the list of forbidden food. haha. arh well.

27th sunday 2007

i watched pirates last night, and they had this TRANSFORMERS trailer! hahahah. so today, i went to wikipedia, and found this: OPTIMUS PRIME! hahahahaha!

can't wait for the end of june!

oh, i forgot to add, over in the past week, i decided it was time to look at Blues of April - that writing project i finished as i entered NS. a lot of things have happened sinec BoA, and i think its time i rewrite BoA and do a JoF - Joys of February. hee.

26-27th may 2007.

my bro and i watched pirates of the caribbean - at world's end, and i feel so sad for will turner and elizabeth swann. at first i thought that swann had become calypso, but i guess not, so... arh well. sob sob. arh well. its just a movie.

then we walked back home...

as you can probably tell, i suck at blog editing and photo taking. but heck. i took some of the pics while walking, so that explain the blurriness. and i was walking with my bro, who isn't the best talking companion. arh well. sometimes we just talk cock.

i thought about some stuff for a while. about what some people think about the way they live their live, even in NS. sure NS is one major heck of a stupid mountain of shit, and it takes away 2 wonderful years of infinite worth, which ~$500 per month is mere pittance compared to that value of life. but since its already such wasted years, why further devalue this time by spending it on idling? why spend this time on the things of no lasting value? why do we waste our time and money on the few hours of adrenaline rush gaming? why not spend time on more worthwhile things? sure, its the life they want to live, but i think in reality, these people are just cowards who just don't have the courage, in fact, plain laziness, to find something worthwhile to do. these people are just copping out on their own life. if your close friend is smoking, would you ask the person to try to quit smoking? if your close friend is doing something bad, surely you ask him to stop it now! aren't we the closest friends to ourselves? if we are doing something bad, shouldn't we stop it and move away? yup. people are definitely pissed off when i tell them the truth. yet they do not face it, and remain shackled to the lies they tell themselves. i can only ASK them to find the purpose in their own lives, whether they choose to do it, its up to them.

i saw the Orchard Road Presbyterian Church banner displayed on their fence. and the background was obviously a spider-man concept. and it had the words:

With power comes responsibility,
with life comes accountability.

will people understand that they will have to account for their lives, not only to themselves, but to Jesus?

26th may 2007 saturday

the whole week has been fine. yeah! no more acct! no more throwing people, or being thrown! and no more sian times during ORD period! yeah!!! am finally done with the stupid tigger hill thingy. nothing much. just 10k or so. could take it. so yeah. arh well. but there is talk of more runs ahead, and even now, there are outfields... sian...

i seriously need fiscal discipline. spent another 100 in the week to buy books. my interest is diversifying. now i'm in a bit of a lit season, so for a start, i'm reading goethe, milton and dante. which are really cool stuff. so yeah. i really, really, really, need to stop and say, STOP. I WILL STOP SPENDING MONEY. because there isn't really anything else than i need. i just need to read to maintain my writing capabilities, which i think, is slowly going down the drain. i hope the occassion literature might up it...

this morning did some finance matters. and i thank God for my mother, who so shrewdly saved for the sake of my university education. and now i know, that my family is actually financially secure, that she can actually invest a wee bit...

and this really demonstrates the love that my mother has for me, and it just touches my heart. wow. and now i should really start to save to pay for those schemes, which are really like the prudential schemes melvin showed me. i guess if God really wants you to do something, He'll keep making these things happen. If its really meant for you, He will show it to you, again and again. which is really amazing. so yeah.

cell was just... i don't know what to say. its just so... spiritually powerful and moving, i guess. as i recall now, its about the continual breaking of the spirit so God can work even more powerfully through us and in us.

the main point of christianity is really about a relationship with God. it is the key question: do you want to have a relationship with God, who will show you great wonders and destiny for your life? its the main question. everything else is just secondary, at least for a first time believer. all it takes is the faith. but alas, there are those who can't put themselves behind and trust in something greater than themselves.

what would it take for someone to believe?

and i am still wrestling with the prayers of last week. so Lord, i want to commit my gift unto You, because i really have no idea what it is. so Lord, use me, as You wish.

i am still struggling or, really, wrestling with myself. if i am just going to plainly study chemistry, why am i reading up on so many, many things? i know that USP won't be about all of these so much, but why am i really going to such an incredible extent? i dun suppose USP will use all the topics i'm studying about. heck, i must be one of those really small number of freaks who know about environment as much as about global geopolitics as about philosophy and history. darn. why hurh?

its something i will always ask myself. funny, its just 'fun' for me to know, even though i might not do anything about these fields after all. i hope my future job will be something that will allow me to stretch my mind on all these things. hee.

but the only job i know is about talking cock as a future analyst. and that means like working with Shell on future scenarios or CIA with their 15 year projections. heck. and since its like close to impossible to be working with these organisations. hahahahha. i remember singapore started something about future scenario planning. hmm... maybe could start thinking about these things. but what the heck. all of these things are for the future after all...

anyway, whoopie! going to watch pirates later! yeah!

20th may 2007 lazy sunday yet again

today's a lazy day, not much happening, and its a wonderful day of rest. so yeah, thats cool. as i prepare for tuesday... i need more bananas and 100plus. hee. had a very full breakfast - that should start my day right, and i'm eating extra, extra and more extra. hee...

i know reading philosophy/theological stuff aren't substitutes to the Bible, but they are wonderful complements.

and i come to understand once again, Jesus' suffering on the cross was for us, to get back with God. it was God's plan to do so. we are all made to have a relationship with God, and like so often said, we have a God-shaped hole in our souls. we are made to worship Him, and only Him and His love will be truly enough to fill that hole in our souls. nothing else can do that. so the answer to the emptiness in our lives is simply these - we live for Him. the point now is how to let others know of God and how He can fill this emptiness in their lives. which will be hard.

our faith rests on evidence, but the evidence is only like a foothold towards greater things which cannot be seen or felt. it isn't blind faith, it is faith that rests on evidence. currently i can't think of better ways to put it...

many many more days ahead... hee.. i wonder what Jesus would said to LKY. hahaha...

anyway, i'm thinking about quiet time. thoughts just come to me when i'm alone, and solitude does something to my mind. sometimes its a revelation, sometimes its a brainwave, but all the same, i experience different states of mind. my quiet time is not only just reading the Bible and reading about it and meditating and reflecting, sometimes, quiet time is really about being alone and worshiping the Lord. it doesn't matter when or where, it could be in the bathroom or alone in the bus, or just walking alone, the point is, when you are free from mental distractions, thats when you can do a little quiet time just like that. 'snap'. and thats why i like being alone most times. its another thing to be with everyone. but thats another day.

i was walking down suntec today when, i remembered my (new) cell leader praying for me using Daniel as a model, and i'm still feeling - weird - about that, but then, suddenly, it just seems that telling my family about christianity isn't that hard after all. its just about how and when. which is the hard part anyway. arh well...

and now i have to go, stocking up bananas and 100+ along the way...

and i'm still thinking about yesterday's very long run, and running for me, its just a form of mental training, like how you prevent the 'stop' message from taking effect. its all about moving the legs after a while.

and now my whole family is so concerned about my 16k run on tue. bless my family... and Lord, bring me through next week... all these i commit unto Your hands. amen.

19th may 2007 not too stupid day

the morning was kinda wasted going to our favourite(not) place at marina. but luckily, there was the afternoon completely free, so i went to orchard (yet again) to visit my haunt. finally i got my kino privilege card, and the savings this time more than compensated for the membership paid. which means, oh dear, i overspent again. darn.

right after the mini book rampage, i headed home, only to go running at east coast with bro-in-law. oh dear. 10k! argh! all my eating plan gone down the drain. oh the muscles aching. arrgh!!! but never mind. trying a recovering plan which includes some slight gorging and drinking 100plus. hope it helps. God help me! aargh!!

anyway. its been fine. once this week is gone, we'll have only next week as our final week of bliss before hell nearly begins. i counted. on average, we will have one outfield/exercise every month. which means, God help us all.

books picked up
dante - divine comedy and inferno
collins - language of God
dennett - religion as a natural phenomena - hey, wouldn't this mean that God intentionally created us for worship? hahahahahha... in trying to remove religion from its pedestal, has dennet unintentionally elevated it still?
watson - from fire to freud - history of philo
rubenstein - aristotle's children - how the discovery of ancient texts started the reason vs religion thingy
hofstadter - strange loop - autobio/more thoughts on logic, artificial intelligence...

in short, i'm reading about how people think, how people have thought in the past, and how it has led to our present day.

i'm thinking, that there really may be just some people who are born with a kind of ethos that says 'i am duty bound to certain obligations, and i will serve these obligations to whatever extent necessary' or something like that. at least thats how i feel sometimes. but NS is really like... shit... to me it seems. we are treated like we are nothing, and we are paid pittance for the work we do, and nothing seems to make sense. arh well. its just what it is. it might as well be shit. and 'shit' just sounds so apt for everything we are going through... haha...

the unqualified leading the untrained into the unknown for the ungrateful

the statement was said by winston churchill about the american military during ww2, as the americans only just started their engagement in it.

i dunno how much of it is really true for us... are our commanders unqualified? are we untrained? will we fight in the unknown? will those we fight for, be ungrateful?

i hope we will never really ask these questions. meanwhile, we can all whine about how bad it all is.

SNAFU, TACFU, FUBAR

i hope we will never mention these terms...

i know this entry is really disorganised, but i'm just really tired. arh well...

18th may 2007 ........

i have been running lots, something like 5km almost everyday. but the actual race is 16+++, so i wouldn't know how the real thing will be like...

had first cell with zhou qi today, and it was hard stuff already. arh well. sacrifice, just what do i have to sacrifice...? everything? that would just be begging the question. just what do i have to sacrifice exactly? i guess its really everything. arh well. when the time comes, i know. till then, just pray.

and what gift do i have? the gift of intellect? hahahahaha. its just kinda weird. because this is like the first time in my life that someone has said that what i have is a gift. arh well.

otherwise, the week has been mostly about throwing people. and learning not to be selfish. and asking people not to be selfish as well. which is pretty hard. arh well.

been influenced by kurt vonnegut's 'so it goes', with my 'arh well's... haha. alritey then.

11th may 2007 resting... sleeping...

today was a wonderful day to sleep in. really. i ate, then slept, then ate, then slept again, in between doing a little bit of writing and com-using. finished the case for christ, and read through case for creator again. these books, along with case for faith, are books i will keep coming back to again and again, because these books affirm the truth. and the truth will really set us free.

i'm tired from reading. its kinda dry, the stuff i'm reading nowadays. i dunno why, but it seems that my zeal for knowledge seems to have run its course. i have now a feel of the things that i might touch at uni, i seem to have gone through the main ideas, i can, with confidence know the fundamentals of the major topics in the humanities. in a way, i guess i've known a large part of academia, now i'm left with the arts and the details for everything else. haha. i'm bragging, when actually i know just that little bit. more importantly, i should know what i can do and what i can't. i will not be able to do arts and interpretation, perhaps i can do history, sociology, but econs will be beyond my ken; i can try cognitive sciences, i can try the physical sciences, but i know i will not be able to do physics and mathematics because i simply can't make it, but i can try chemistry, and lotsa other stuff, like climate science even geology. i shouldn't try bio-related stuff. i dunno. see uni how...

i'm bored, really bored. i dunno what else to read about now. i've covered geopolitics, philosophy, climate sciences, life sciences, human nature, complexity, sociology, history, technology...so how? whats next?

10th may 2007 tigger running up and down the hill

its certainly not everyday i can book out on a thursday night. but here i am, sitting in the lovely chair, in front of the com, blogging.

been so, so tired. this week has been all running and throwing. and running 16km is just horrible, and have to think of all the stupid hills to climb. leg aching, body aching, everywhere also aching, still gotta run some more. aigh....

but the week hasn't been too bad, without thinking of the pain. slowly, slowly, counselling, counselling and more counselling. talking to people about God and stuff, and i dunno. it just hits me that all they need is faith, the simple faith to believe. if they don't want to, there's really nothing i can do. i can only pray that God will work in their hearts, and if they think they have no need, then... what else can i do? arrgh. its not easy, convincing people of God and Jesus. that they even need God and Jesus in their lives. slowly, perhaps, some of them are responding, i really dunno. like i already did so, their lives are in His hands, not mine.

this is the work that i'm slowly, slowly doing, day by day, word by word, deed by deed, and by faith. it can only work if God builds it. i won't be able to do it alone. Father, help me, as i submit before Your will, power, grace and love...

here's something i learned. long distance running is sheer physical and mental torture. the first few klicks are fine. you just jog along, the wind in your face, all that kind of feeling, its fine. then slowly, you start to feel the terrain. it just feels difficult to maintain the pace. you go uphill, and then downhill, and you realise that the speed just isn't there anymore. and then, the distance looms ahead, and you start feeling, 'oh no, how long more do i have to go on?' and then the thought just eats into your morale and spirit...

after a fashion, all you become is almost like a zombie, just the simple will of moving your legs, 'left right left right left right...' and it just never stops. you are just looking forward to the next landmark, and the next one, and the next one, and then, finally, to that finish line.

hoorah. sleep.

5th may 2007 i just had to talk about today...

today rocks and sucks. it rocks because i met up with shaun koh, prob the only intellectual buddy i have, and though our ideas differ, we understand the passion of our ideas. so thank You God for him. i picked up lee strobel's Case for faith and christ, which will rock, so i will be reading them.

i watched spidey 3! it was emotionally fulfilling, though it wasn't as good as the 2nd one. the scenes were a bit chopped up, as if really separated into frames like in a comic book. lotsa flashbacks, and the story was kinda straightforward. like the part about aunt may advises pete how to propose and how to love. and the struggles that pete were going through, tho we mortals aren't spidey, we still can relate, how we are tempted by power and evil and that sorta thing. and pete was such a cock, but he's still a superhero. arh well. a bit lame how sandman just fades away. i really like the love advises, like how putting that special someone ahead of yourself. and then the last lines which are like totally cliched, about choices and all, kinda nice, how we can all always choose to do good and that kinda thing, but it was something that we would all have come up with from time to time. we always have a choice to do good, no matter the circumstance. we alwaysh have a choice. so we gotta choose wisely. hahahaha. cliched. arh well.

found a new and potential dating place. its called mint museum of toys and there's a nice cafe there, kinda like the miss clarity at bugis. can't remember what its called, but hey, i found another place to bring a girl. hee.

my idea about consilience and unity of knowledge and all that mambo jumbo is really too rarefied. i have to think of a practical use for it, but honestly, there won't be enough because it is really a metaphysical (used in its original sense) idea, and such ideas are like communism and capitalism - its an idea, but something has to happen to that idea to become real, and unfortunately, i'm kinda failing to make that happen. but arh well. meanwhile, i'm still sick and tired about talking about climate change and politicians twiddle their thumbs while the ice sheet melts. ... ... ... totally bored. arh well.

today sucks because i had to waste time at a banquet about someone only slightly related to me. so banquets being banquets, the guests come late and the food comes later. so arh well. 4-5 hours just went out of the window while i was stoning at the food. and to make my blood boil, i practically won't have much of a weekend next week thanks to guard duty. anyway, was so bored that i sent messages to people i haven't sent to for a while. arh well... couldn't help feeling gloomy, grouchy and sulky. haha.

sigh... see, you passed SOC and because of that, you do guard duty so that those who fail can train on weekends. but then again, thats perverse logic so i shall stop thinking about it. but can't help feeling this way. arh well. one guard duty is about 3 RT's worth in time. so... i dunno. i really dunno. but then again, i have night off and that kind of stuff. i dunno. once again, i really dunno.

so yeah. once again, a beautiful wonderful saturday is fast fading, as my friends are having (i hope) fun at zouk. arh well.

blessed night 4th may 2007

i came home tonight to not-fantastic-food, which makes me a bit of a spoilt brat. sigh... see, the thing is, i am already eating not-fantastic-food in camp, and if i come home to eat the same kind of food, i might as well eat some nonsense-trash with friends, right? arh well. of course i can't say this to mom and create more pressure for her. arh well. coming home is a nice pleasant feeling of abundant joy, and being able to come home and enjoy homeliness is surely a little bit of an entitlement on me part. its nice to be back home.

i'm gradually sinking into depression. i'm almost tired of the same few topics that i'm tackling. i'm like going to be through with consilience and everything - just describing it endlessly isn't going to get me anywhere. and i'm sick of talking cock about climate change. its simply sounds crassy now. all the high-sounding rhetoric being just what they are, nothing less. when they come for a conference, they all sound nice and idealistic. but when they go back, they twiddle their thumbs and do nothing. which is sick. either they want to die, or they want us to all die faster together. errgh! so yeah. and meanwhile, there isn't any person i can talk to, and no one really cares anyway. arrgh! i'm just simply tired about all thats going on out there. arh well. what to do? its what it is...

i'm tired, alone... and needing some companionship. someone to talk with on stupid ideas that are too big for our lives. someone who understands and willing to give their own ideas. arh well. these big stupid ideas are the only things that i have, other than faith and character.

everyone is drawn into their own little worlds, creating their own space. at the end of the day, no one really knows each other, though we do know, appreciate and tolerate the idiosyncracies of each other. but all that we'll have are mainly and plainly experiences and memories. there won't be any genuine connectedness between one and another, we would be from each other's lives. which is rather sad, in a way, but i guess, thats also one part about how the way things simply are. i'm tired of people stabbing one another in the dark. oh well. i guess some people won't be able to take things as they are, people won't be able to take things 'in their face', and its just another form of release for our frustrations anyway.

i'm tired of being called a hypocrite. heck, everyone's a hypocrite. i never claimed any moral high ground, and of course i will fail. but thats not the point. the point is to have tried not being a hypocrite. but what the heck. of course people won't buy that. hah.

i'm tired of the way people talk about religion. especially christianity, about the way they talk as if God was only working in the relationships of people. they don't see God as the creator of heaven and earth - rather, they just talk about it like an afterthought or because they have to think of some magnificent title for God. oh pleease. and the way they talk as if science and religion are at odds or something.

i'm really tired of a lot of things at the moment, i guess. tired about the way people talk to one another in camp. i dunno. i guess i'm just, well, really tired.

sleep beckons...

yeah! tomorrow spiderman 3!