Sunday, June 24, 2007

24th june 2007

i had my big group meeting today, though honestly, nothing much really happened for me. of course nothing much ever happened to me anyway so it didn't really matter... its just nice to know the people involved in all these... so yeah. i'm like a small kid peering into the door where adults work. the real life, the real work. i'm realising that connections matter a lot, and just below brains, it is probably the most important thing... arh well.... everyone has to start somewhere... and i'm just starting...

23rd-24th june 2007

i had my first combine rehearsal not too long ago. was alrite.

sigh. darn. i wish life was easier sometimes. like, why can't i be a christian openly. why am i still living with a deep fear... arh well. why can't my parents be more... accepting? why am i such an idiot of a thinker? haha. God, i just want to confess the wrongs that i've done, and Lord, thank You for Your grace and providence. be with my platoon mates.

some things can thank God for. but other things have to ask God to change. so ask that you'll be willing to change.

had lunch with a major, but its really nothing. some comments about the state of the company, though i also heard about some possible advancements. which i'll know only after i ord. so what the... arh well. after a while you face some major questions, like evaluating the role of basic military training and specialised training. will vocations become so deeply specialised that you actually need a decent education to handle all the specialty and the tech? how will the role of commanders and man be modified? these are the key questions tha strategic planners have to answer... topics for a possible COA essay competition... haha...

its just that i have a different conception of faith, and its like... rather different from the idea of others. and its all rather difficult to elaborate and explain. first of all, i don't believe in a literal, word-by-word interpretation of the Bible. I would want to study the ideas, context and history of something... i come from the other side of the line running back. i don't just get God straight from the Book. with the Bible, i get a few ideas, then i go running all the way out in philosophy, science, and everything else, then come meeting God at the intersection point, or that is how i wish things could be. Wishful thinking perhaps. now i'm a little confused if there's an intersection point, and if there is, its very hard to find it.

and the big problem is, everyone is running with their ideas directly from the Bible and nowhere else, so its like running against the tide... and there's like no one else to run with me, and it sucks.

meanwhile, exploring further the ideas of climate change and the evolving geopolitics. yeah! finally thought of another idea to push my thoughts towards. its really a combination of 2 things that i've become comfortable in, and it ties in with my old interest in globalization and everything else. cool. hee.

alritey then... its been tiring, but i look forward to sunday, meeting bernise and co.

whoooo!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

16th june 2007

my brain is dying... can't remember my running motion, can't remember my personal details... all because of the exercise? oh dear dear...

had a gathering at kenlo's place. first, it was at a house, and i do mean a house, meaning, a standalone bungalow. and his parents were wonderful enthusiastic people, and his mom was perhaps a tad too enthusiastic. just another session where i gaze into the world beyond mine.

and i got my hands on me chem texts. will have a hard time going through now that my brain is in this near-retarded state. arh well.

its really important to have docs as friends, because they put everything into perspective. instantly, my camp worries disappear. my anxieties, my burdens, disappear, sublimating. these people experience others dying... and what do i worry about? what i experience becomes effectively nothing. at least i still have life. and its important to just dedicate every breath, every heartbeat to God.

and ... thinking about it, i'm starting to feel a little disillusioned about the bigger churches. whats the use of good speakers, good acoustics and all...? why need the flashing lights and the loud sounds and the humongus LCD screen? are these things really necessary? strip away all these things, and just coming to worship the Lord. the early christians were so successful because they were truly sincere. are we? the sincere christians in the early church provided examples for others to emulate. are we doing the same? the standards are still the same. have we, in the chase for numbers, lost the sincerity, believeing in simply a set of formulas and rules to 'earn' believers? do we believe because we are told to believe, or are we sincerely believing?

gonna rest, and hope the brain cells get connected again...

16th june 2007 and the moral of the exercise is... endure...

things lately have made me think a little. it goes something like this: NS is a waste of time - whatever we do is of no real consequence. there is no glory for us, so we don't bother with honour. we are part of a vocation that is being slowly converted into something else; we are essentially a dustbin for people with no other things to do; so in other words, why bother at all?

yes, indeed, why bother? why bother to work so work only for it to b undone? why bother to work when work is of no consequence? why would i even bother at all in the first place?

all these questions i had already answered before, and to find myself asking these questions again reflect a creeping weakness - a weakness of will that is unfortunately gaining in strength and chipping away at the core of my being. arh well.

i'll just answer these questions again. i bother because it is not about the work that i do. i bother because of the attitude, as a habit of mind, to just do the task even though it may be futile. if not, why bother to live if we're going to die after all? it is not about the task or the work - its about the attitude behind it. for me, even if the task has supposedly no meaning - working, knowing that there is work to be done - just try to finish it - this attitude alone, this attitude to endure and persevere on - this is meaning. just learning to endure and persevere, no matter how shitty things become. and this 22 months of time-wasting - enduring all these things, this is also a lesson.

i probably will get blasted by the usual suspects for this post, but it doesn't really matter. after all, i'm already like a nail that is still sorely standing upright. and every day in camp, the hammer comes. for me, enduring those things - thats also another lesson. so yeah.

i'm increasingly bored and tired.

its rather irritating, when there are proud people who can't see past themselves and think constantly that they are always right or best. its rather irritating to see some people with a put-down attitude. but in some sense, its also rather sad, because they are also going to be the ones who will suffer in the future work place.

i know people don't like me because of my attitudes, or because of my poorly applied semblance of intelligence that i have - that is, if i actually have any intelligence. i know, people think i'm bossy or eye-powering and everything... but if thats what people think, i don't care. yes, i have slacked before, even at the expense of others, but so have many others. i am equally imperfect - ok, so what gives me the right to be bossy? none whatsoever. people can always say 'no' and ask me to do it. and yes, i get tonnes of blame for taking initiatives, right and wrong. but you can't take out the initiative-ness from me. yes... i apologize for doing the wrong things and for doing things wrong, as i tried to do things right...

its all contradictory and everything... but isn't that how everyone's life is?

and this bit more about leadership. and all i want to say is, just read about what the general behind the defence of iwo jima - what he did, and thats about what summarizes leadership. of course, the christian concept of servant leadership is probably what the military cannot accept... arh well...

Sunday, June 10, 2007

10th june 1007 - on the brink of the abyss

today is the eve of another exercise. arh well...

yesterday i went out, and bought a fabulous notebook - with a wonderful fabric cover and all with 160 pieces of paper. and i bought a nike singlet which fitted too well. i have doubts if my adidas shorts can go with it. the past weeks i couldn't stand myself wearing the standchart adidas singlet so i decided to get a proper singlet to go on long runs with.

the bad thing is, there is this exercise to go through with, and the good thing is, after this, there will be a deserving break. i can't wait for 16th and see kenneth and his pals. i dunno why, but i dun feel deserving to be called his 'close friend'.

recent conversations have led to reflection of my current circumstance. all the things that i've read are considered 'above average'. i only know, but i do not know in depth. from an academic perspective, what i know is really close to nothing, and in order to get serious, i will have to move to another level... and that level, would require me to look up the original articles of research, and then start from the bottom again to gradually understand what's happening at the top...

which will be prohibitively expensive, and cause another major dent in my finances. will it be all worth it? i will have to take the plunge... arh well.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

9th june 2007 - a wonderful dinner we had - all us Faith 4-1 2003 geylang methodist secondary...

The following was what i wrote to my friends - a personal afterthought about the dinner. Nothing poetic, just the words and the thoughts, and since i've heard good things about it, i'll make it LARGER. hahahaha.

Hi, all you lovely and wonderful people!

Here are just a few words of how I thought and feel. I'm sure most of you have the same thoughts, what I do here was to merely put it into words...

The food was really fine, and I ate to my fill. Apparently, I have forgotten how wonderful the girls had become, and how the guys continue to mature, albeit with the little taint called NS. But these things aside, I have hope, a hope that burns still so brightly, a hope renewed seeing all of you, and all of your smiles, as we laughed the night long trading anecdotes of our lives after we left Geylang Methodist, as we reminisce those moments with great fondness, that crucible which molded all of us together, our souls brought together. Those are the times, these are the moments, and let the future come. We embrace the future, as we consider that all things past will become more and more insignificant as things to come loom ever larger on our horizon. The O'levels are now gone from us, and the memories of A'levels and other examinations will soon, if they haven't already, fade away from our memories. What we become increasingly worry or anxious about are the assignments and exams to come, about the future we'll enter to. In all these still, the past we hold we onto, the common thread that links all our hearts and souls.

At the dinner, it was simply heartwarming to hear that most of us were doing alright, that at the very least, most of us have moved on fine. And it was exciting to hear of potential doctors, engneers, professionals in so many areas. Even more fulfilling was to hear of growth in your personal lives.

But I believe that the hope that we have will come assure us, as we continue to step into the future. No matter our anxieties, cast them off, don't let fear get in the way of your life. As we have each other now, have faith and trust in each other in the future. Because the love that we have for one another endures and persevers on, despite all that might come. In other words, stay together, trusting the love in ourselves and in one another.

I could not help but think that we still manage to stay together for so long, that despite many of us being in various places, we still can come together acknowledging the past that we shared and moving on, even affirming the futures that we'll face together. Whereas others might have cast off their past and moved on, I believe that in a way, He has comissioned this class for something wondrous, though you might not believe, have the hope and faith, that no matter whatever unfurls in your lives, as a class, we'll always hold onto one another, in spirit and in love.

In love we move on together, always and always.

1 Corinthians 13:13

So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love...

Faith 4-1 2003
Geylang Methodist Secondary

Sunday, June 03, 2007

3rd june 2007 rest and recovery are all there is...(except for a stupid run)

this is about the reflections at the dinner, where i felt i was crying inside...

arh well.

i found myself alone and almost lost in the conversations. so they have managed to stay contactable, and apparently, have been able to meet quite frequently...most of them have been fun people, unlike me, a silly bore in the realm of books.

feels like faust, without gretchen. arh well.

what have i gained and lost, i wonder. all those weekends at kino, borders, buying books, reading books, and climbing up mountains of knowledge, i wonder what for. all these sentiments are nothing new actually. from ancient past, there were learned man who questioned the need for knowledge, saying that God's revelation and faith were enough. ... and on and on. even today, living in pragmatic singapore, my childhood fascination with knowing was frequently tempered by parents who questioned the need for books.

its a long issue, and it has spanned by entire sober life.

i dunno.

i mean, whats the point of all the reading if there's no one to share with consistently, to argue and debate on the abstract things that lie beneath the surface our lives and our societies? it makes all my reading empty and futile...

arh well. i should've gone out more often, find more friends, and among them, there must've been some who were intellect inclined. but with the friends around me? hahahaha.

most of us are chasing the standard singapore life - get a degree, get a job, get married, and live happily ever after. its the dream that most of my friends are living, and its nothing wrong, no, its not, its good, that there is a dream to moves us in our lives. and we live this dream in the context of greater dreams still, as we move and worship God in our lives, well, some of us.

so yeah. there really is nothing wrong, and its better than living an empty life devoid of meaning. i just wish... that there were more people who are willing to go deep in their thoughts, people who take similar journey as i have...

so i wait...

3rd june 2007 verse update

As i woke up this morning, i thought of new crappy verses to add.

I am reminded of the old cliche,
'that everything has changed,
but stayed the same'.

We are no longer,
are the classroom boys and girls.
We all have moved beyond the blue and white.
On the boat down river Time,
the old skins shed as new skins grow,
out of our chrysalis,
wings emerge,
as beauty soars heavenward.

And so we are,
struggling still,
the work continues,
deep in our soul.

A little older,
a little wiser,
though innocence gone,
but still we are,
just who have been,
the heart from past,
and beating still,

No matter how trials may come,
full of fear,
and hope might flee,
but we'll all remember what we have,
the wondrous things deep in our beings,
beyond words,
and now, even beyond deeds,
the love that cares,
protects and hopes,
the love we have,
lasting ever more.

These memories,
fade they may,
but here we are,
beyond mem'ries,
as look onward to greater things.

These are things to last an entire lifetime,
as long we live.......

If i think of more crappy verses, i'll just edit..

on a more personal note 2nd june 2007

I'm experiencing a breaking of the spirit. as i plough through my books, i'm becoming much more aware of the things that i don't know of. its really like how watchman nee put it. being an intellect-inclined person, God deals me in an intellectual way. my thoughts are in vain, my ideas are junk. so Lord continue, have Your way in me!

2nd june 2007 ... under the moonlight

tonight was a wonderful night. finally, i see my wonderful sec 4 classmates again! hooray! These are the photoes that i took, though not very good.












I know the poetry sucks, but do forgive...

The Pale Light of the Moon...

The food came and went,
and we ate.
We enjoyed the treats,
not because the food was great (it was)
because of who we had - each other.

Such is the joy when friends meet,
of all of us with a shared history.
to some like long-lost meet again,
as withered links become strong again.
and suddenly it seems,
we were in the classroom,
all in our seats.

Actually,
it wasn't long since we last met.
In fact, all we had been keeping in touch.
But still we met,
because there is nothing like,
when all of us come together,
back again, like long time past.
And pray that it'll not be long,
when all of us, can be meet together,
in such joy and laughter.

Laughter is the air we breathe,
being so thick in the air.
And we share our going ons.
It might not have been really long,
but still we talk.

We shared our little stories,
of our jobs and our studies,
of the little details in our everyday life.
For all these time,
it seemed,
we were close as we ever could,
back in that classroom of old.

We've known each other,
all so well.
Between our hearts,
there is no barrier.
All things flow from heart to heart,
from soul to soul.
Beyond words.

The air-con is cold,
but we are warm.
We abandon the food,
it no longer matters.
All that sustains us,
is no longer the food,
but simply the things we share,
the bread for the spirit,
that we hunger no more,
in spirit we feast.

Our guest has left,
but she will never leave us,
as we always remember,
who she was,
like a mother,
our dear, dear friend.
Our lives an imprint,
of her very own.

Tonight there was beauty,
in flesh and in spirit.
As these daughters of Eve,
live out their lives,
all bound for wondrous things.

The sons of Adam are not dim-wits,
sure we are of,
glorious future in time to come,
as we leave these barren years,
and come to the water.

We did not become rebels,
we have not changed.
The character that we have,
remains with us.
As we continue to walk in dignity.
Tempted though we might be,
we have not fallen.
As we wait to grasp,
the future soon.

Now we are still in our youth,
in the brightness of summer,
while the sun still blazes.
We savour our freedom,
we are young and free.
Bounded we might be by uniform and rules,
we know deep inside, that our spirits soar.

We walk together,
on the streets,
but we aren't lost souls in the dark.
Under the moonlight,
we walk,
guided by what we'll do.
We know the road we walk,
and we know the place we'll go.


Surprise. we say joyce! though she wasn't in our class, it was just so nice to see someone we know... its so rare to see her that i'm just going to put her pic just for fun...



Friday, June 01, 2007

1st june 2007

being in camp has made me realise the reality of the young people in singapore, as i live daily with some of them. and the truth is, they live empty lives, and they know it. now when i use the word 'we', i mean them, in the general context, not that i'm judging them, just reflecting...

we play dota, we play lan, we play arcade, psp, read anime... we do nothing of real consequence - our lives are based on entertainment - gaming, and from the pleasure of reading comics that usually have the element of lust and sexuality. we gain adrenaline rushes from these things, and there is nothing more for us. our futures are kinda secured though, having places at local unis already. these 2 years or so of NS are merely time for us to exhaust, all these things we do just while away the time while the seconds tick away.

but all these adrenaline rushes are but ephemereal, being only for the moment, and gone the next, with only the ghost of these sensations remaining.

its also how we'll spend our adult lives, in part. its just that perhaps the forms of entertainment mature. maybe we won't read anime, we'll move on to something else - perhaps trashy tv programmes. maybe we'll still game, but we'll move on to other things. who knows? and then we move on to philandering and everything else, and then we'll move on to the next game of marriage and playing with the other gender.

its a destructive pattern that many are playing in their own lives. and i hope they can get out of it. some indulge in porn, others in games. reminds me of the Inferno from Dante which i just read. arh well. i seriously hope they can get out of their destructive spirals before their pattern of life destroys them beyond all hope of redemption.

i'm slowly beginning to find back my focus. dunno what will come up. should be the same old things. arh well.

tomorrow should be an exciting day - hee. finally, a faith4-1 gathering i can go for! yeah!