Not the last word. Notes on being halfway through

I first started writing the following during term time. Now I finish it.

(And a very long explanatory note: I wrote what I write here because of this longstanding struggle with this question: how to intervene in the world for the good? Answering this question, I had always thought that USP would be the best place to start doing things, which explains many of the above words and attitude. Then, reality *kinda* got in the way. I wrestled with the point of student community - what it is, how it is, and then, I got caught up in student politics. Learnt many lessons, and after some processing, came to the conclusion that my overall strategy could have been a failure.

Maybe USP wasn’t the best place that I thought it was, and maybe I was erm, ignoring the obvious realities that were going on in the lives of people in my age group. I have been quite privileged though, in that I had an earlier exploratory phase that has continued on in various forms, so I don’t exactly need undergraduate days as an exploratory phase. Rather, my time here has been spent largely on consolidating and learning in a more focused way about the things I’ve been interested in, hence I was more erm, able to push through and conceive of certain things.

Friends have *kinda* advised me to move on and really to start thinking on what’s ahead - careers at think-tanks, looking at graduate, education, taking things to a whole new level in terms of depth and breadth. If I really wanted to start learning about intervention in the world, I should be looking outwards to research and the various ways to do that, and maybe not so much inwards in the USP student community. :S

For now: Let USP be. Let friends be. Have fun. I’ll try to have fun too, but I’ll also have to wrestle with my own telos (not that I know what it is), about what I have to do (even if it makes me isolated at times).

What is USP?

This question popped up in my head for multiple reasons. I ask this because from anecdotal evidence, there have been misunderstandings about what USP is, and what USP students do. Individuals, both friends and strangers, often ask, ‘what is USP’, and ‘what do they do’, and they often do so with a few assumptions; that USP students have a scholarship; that USP students are genuises; that we are ‘atas’ and elitist, and various other claims.

I can’t address all these various claims comprehensively, and besides, I am not in the best position to explain what USP is. Why is that so? Simply because there is just so much diversity in USP. A single label, other than the ‘membership in USP’, cannot encompass the entire set of people who pass through the programme. Again, as a reminder, the standard disclaimer of non-representation must be mentioned here. I write for myself, and even if most of the things mentioned are agreeable to most, there will still be dissensions. I can only again, write for myself, based on my personal experiences thus far in the programme.

I come back to USP again - just what is? According to the vision and mission as plucked out from the website, it is:

Our Vision

To be a talent programme that produces graduates who lead in forging new insights and mindsets across disciplines and cultures.

Our Mission

To provide a unique undergraduate experience for highly talented students to realise their full potential.

To attain our Vision and Mission, we aim to:

1. Attract and develop a diverse range of talented individuals who demonstrate the potential to be leaders in intellectual, economic, cultural or social spheres in Singapore and the world.

2. Build and nurture a close-knit and vibrant community of scholars (comprising faculty, students and alumni) that is committed to excellence in their diverse interests.

3. Enable this community of scholars to be connected to the global network of scholars, through dialogues and strategic collaborations.

4. Continuously innovate to provide an enriching and globally-oriented educational programme, aimed at stretching the students’ intellectual, leadership, and personal capacities.

5. Provide students with the best of the world through tie-ups with world-leading innovative educational programmes.

I guess the vision and mission statement says a lot, but then again, doesn’t really say much. For one, the vision and mission does not reflect the emphasis on inter-disciplinary inquiry of USP. For another, statements like these can’t really seem to bring out the quality of experience of students who have been through the programme. For example, what exactly does ‘close-knit and vibrant community of scholars’ mean? And how does that square with the overall academic/intellectual focus of the programme? And for those who are end-driven, what is the outcome of the programme - what do ‘I’ get out of it after I graduate?

I can’t answer the last question that I raised, simply because I have not graduated. As for the others; again I can only answer for myself.

The experience of being in USP is one that cannot be simply described in the words or the descriptions of the module codes, nor the CVs of the instructors that form the faculty or of the administrative staff. Neither can the experience be described in the countless photos and videos and prose describing and capturing the moments of great fun. Nor the Facebook posts nor the voices of the seniors reminiscing of the moments came and past. All of that together, can only provide the barest of glimpses into what USP ‘is’.

From my perspective, USP seems to be addressing the question: what happens if you put 600+ bright, motivated students together, in a programme where ideas are flying around every second? Here, I want to qualify ‘bright’, of which intellectual capability is just one component. There is of course, the more intangible qualities of curiosity, independence, the ability to make tangential connections, etc,. There is a serious attempt to look at ideas from the perspectives of different disciplines - the philosophy and biological aspects of evolution; the mathematics of social sciences; the use of computing in the various disciplines - all of these are taught, and more. The intellectual aspects of the programme, combined with the community, makes for a potent combination in sparking connections in the minds of those who choose to participate actively.

If I may dare claim, there are a few qualities that seem to be a common thread that keeps surfacing. One of these is this plain curiosity, of wanting to know more, and going beyond the material that is given. This curiosity also manifests itself in wanting to learn more about the other disciplines, no matter how distant from one’s own. The other quality, although more enforced, is this commitment towards clarity and criticality of thought. When debating, USP students are nearly always going straight for the undeclared assumptions and implications of any statement. The two qualities, though obviously varying amongst USP students nonetheless serve as bases for a common understanding of what the experience in USP is about.

In more indirect ways, the experience of USP challenges the orthodoxy of education in Singapore, and this is where the differences between USP and non-USP students become the basis of the various claims and labels that have been put on USP.

What is this orthodoxy? The orthodoxy seems to include several points, one of which is the acceptance of the highly competitive society, where one should get distinctions at all costs, if not suffer the consequences of poor job prospects. This hyper-competitiveness leads to the tyranny of the normal curve, where the average moves towards the B/B+ region, where the student body verges towards a dog-eat-dog world. These negativities, are no doubt nearly inevitable, and I am no idealist in claiming that these negativities can be eliminated.

USP, I thought, challenges the attitude above. Curiosity and openness to new ideas are emphasized, and an exploratory attitude welcomed. In other words, USP challenges the orthodoxy of the education-economy link, and challenges too, the minds that go through the entire experience.

To those who have chosen decisively the area of their studies and future vocation, I guess that something like USP will not be able to meet their expectations, simply because the USP experience is meant to do certain things, and not other things. The keywords mentioned above - curiosity, exploratory attitude, openness - do not apply equally well to everyone. There will be people with a single-mindedness towards their field of studies - could be anywhere from the sciences to the engineers to the philosophers to the economists - and that is completely justified. USP is not an entirely open institution - no institution can be completely open to anyone. There will be parameters and requirements that individuals have to meet in order to gain entry and membership. What can change, is how the institution chooses to interact with other institutions and other groups. USP will be a perfect fit for people with certain dispositions, but a puzzle for others, and even an abomination for others still.

I am sure that a single piece of writing like this cannot make sense of the USP experience. After all, this is one author among many possible authors, and everyone has a different voice, different things to say. This, however, has been my piece, and I hope to some people, they can decide better for them whether USP is a good fit. I can’t promise anything, but the trend has been that, for those who choose to take active ownership of their education, and choose to participate in the numerous opportunities available, the time at USP will be a rewarding one. While the statement is true for any institution in general, it is especially true for the context of USP. The sheer density and quality of the intellectual exchanges; the numerous opportunities for leadership, initiative and exposure - all of these provides a compelling experience for an undergraduate who aspires to make a mark for themselves in their own lives, and maybe, for society and the world.

For the single-minded, pragmatic scholar, the immediate rewards of USP will not be so obvious. One cannot so easily make the linkage between breadth, critically and openness to an immediate job prospect compared to say, the knowledge of the civil engineer or the training of the statistician. One cannot immediately know where the jobs are in what sector - for the student in USP, the skill profile matches the requirements of many other jobs. I might go out on a limb and claim that there is an USP-edge here, that the skills acquired through the course of study at USP provides the graduate with additional skills that add value to the existing skill acquired through the major. The USP-engineer could potentially see connections than the non-USP engineer, and so on… Yet these skills are the intangibles - can’t be graded, can’t be quantified, with only the CAP being a proxy as to how well the person has acquired these skills.

I would have my own objectives about what USP is, but then again, I am only a single voice, and there will be others with competing or complementary stances towards what USP is. Beyond the education, beyond the objectives, I have always thought that USP would be the place where the world begins to get changed. The skills of critical thinking, when applied in the broadest context, leads one to begin thinking about the faults and successes of the world we are living in. Critical thinkers could examine the points of failure in the various systems of the world - not to pigeonhole, but providing examples: engineers could look at how systems are being inefficiently designed, architects looking at the aesthetics, economists could balk at the distribution of resources, and so on…

Going back, the strength of USP have always lay with the creation of a cohesive student community, both in current cohorts, and in the alumni. The alumni would probably begin to make their small impacts in the area of their profession or specialisation; the students would merely be starting to acquire these skills. Still, the whole point of a community, in a functional/instrumental sense, is to facilitate the development of these skills. Yes, community is important for its own sake of psychological, emotional and social development, but the point of that would be…? I would propose here, albeit in a slightly mechanical fashion, that the whole point of community is to enable us to make the impact that needs to be effected in the institutions that we will end up in - no matter in the academic, private or public sectors. The whole point of being in a community is to be nurtured for the things greater than ourselves. To do the things that matter. Yet, I struggle with this notion having the attitude that knowledge is important for its own sake, even if it has completely no utility value.

Arguing that the time in USP has a teleological underpinning is very contentious, I admit. I know that not everyone will agree with this, and that perhaps, people just want to be left to their own devices, making their own way through, enjoying the experiences that come along the way. Let me put it unequivocally here - there is nothing wrong, nothing morally wrong with this attitude. People will want to use the many years here as a time for experimentation, to try things they have never tried before, and it should be encouraged. After all, the years of genuine freedom will come to a close, as we become tied to deadlines and the rigours of work. Heck, I’m beginning to rethink the idea of self-actualisation even. Since self-actualisation is a verb/noun - it describes a process inasmuch as it does, a destination. People are constantly in the state of becoming and so, we have really, only some control about who we are, and who we want to be. Circumstances beyond ourselves thwart our own objectives - who is to say that we are in complete control of our own fates? Still, I would want to argue that our time in USP matters, in that the opportunities and the attitude of the programme could begin to lead us to ask these niggling questions: what’s the point of my life? and what do I do with the experiences and knowledge that I have? These are questions of Final Causes, of telos in the Aristotelean sense. Yet these questions form the basis of our angst…

In the longer and larger schemes of things, everything changes, especially human institutions. USP will continue long after I graduate - it will continue to evolve and mutate - like all human institutions will. The values will change, the culture will change, and it is in the changes that egos are bruised, feelings are hurt. And it is all inevitable. But that’s how life is - it is about change. What I write will only be relevant for the here and now; whatever happens in the future - that’s for then (and requires a separate post).

What happened last semester?

An uber long post

Now that the exams are over, I always like to take a little time to reflect and think back on the events this semester, and begin to really examine the lessons and implications.

A lot of things have gone right and wrong for me this semester. I messed up some relationships, built better bonds with others, and endured more stress than I ever did. Compared to Y1, I have a clearer picture of what my future looks like, as some of the uncertainties from previous become resolved, as old dreams appeared to haunt the present.

This semester some old dreams returned. For a long time now, I had been searching for my place in the world, and perhaps it is only this semester that I had begin to find my way. Without going into the specifics, the friends that I met this semester have given me many steps towards the fulfillment of that wish/desire/ambition, but this was not without some pain in the process. Along the way, I entered into an internship, which was a source of much stress. I was doing 6 modules, 2 of which were exposures. My choice of modules inadvertently helped rescue this semester on academic terms - the tragedy should not be too severe. Yet this internship was important, on hindsight, in providing a measure of experience and exposure towards my dream.

Yet there were other unanticipated costs other than academic ones. The workload of 6 modules and the internship, plus additional commitments were, overwhelming. My drive to want to concentrate on work pulled me away from friends.

And then there was my own personal commitment to USP, where idealism drove wedges into existing relationships. I regret a lot of things now, but many of these things are past regrets already. Can’t dwell on them, must move on. I had certain ideals about student community and what it could mean, and the episode of being involved in student politics certainly provided many lessons.

I learnt that student community is extremely dynamic and diverse at the same time. My own perception of USP has, for the longest time, been fixated upon the ideal that it is a place where world-changing/impacting people start to do change/impact stuff. Apparently, reality is not like that. These ideals did not appear from nowhere though. I remember visiting USP during JC days, and getting acquainted with people then. Maybe then, I was biased right from the start without knowing it, and it was in this semester that those biases really unraveled. The lessons learnt seem so obvious - that people are different, and we are vastly different from one another in what we want in life and in USP. People will see USP differently, and take from USP different things. I’ve taken USP as a process of learning how to find my place in the world, people will see it as their own stepping stones for various ambitions/desires/wishes.

I thought I had arrived at certain commonalities of the USP experience, marked by opportunities for action and intellectual exploration. I had thought that the maintenance of a community of passionate people would be the third leg that completes and balances USP as a student-driven institution. However, people put different weightage on these 3 things. Opportunities are many times taken for granted without consequence; intellectual exploration is sacrificed for focus on grades. Student community developments gets retarded for the same reason of grades - people think their own social milieu is sufficient for their current lives.

Unfortunately for myself, I rarely thought of ‘sufficiency’, or ‘enough’. Social sustenance for the present is definitely necessary, but so much more could be achieved. Yet it is the so much more that becomes a contested space - and this is where I got hurt and in turn, hurt others, between competing visions and objective of what USP means.

By now I’m not going to say who’s right and wrong. Differing visions of USP have their own merits and pitfalls. One vision that I imagined, emphasized intellectual exploration and rigour, along with the need for action, and sees the community as an instrument towards the achievement of these objectives. Other visions rightly claim the importance of community for its own sake in nurturing for social and emotional development. These three things are not really mutually exclusive, except when it comes to resource allocation and in the reality that exists on the ground. Perhaps students (at least in NUS/USP) will always place their academic achievements ahead of their extra-curricular achievements.

And then the hurting began. Coupled together with the internship, friendships took second place. Bonds frayed. Lost track of the social universe. The concepts that I described began to sound doctrinaire and out of touch with what people were experiencing. I thought of concepts like the “Academic Career” to describe what was going on in USP, about how people developed and found/created their own spaces within USP as they acquired more experience and contacts… I thought about mentorship, and what people wanted or needed, except that I never exactly found the time to ask or mingle around with friends to know what was exactly going on. Distanced from the necessary social contacts, things went downhill on that front.

Looking back, I wondered if it was hubris that made me acted in the way I did. Now I know better - that everyone has to take their own time, and find their own way in the social and intellectual universe of USP. And this is not forgetting the multiple identities that we will always carry with us in life, as children of our parents, of members in specific communities, and of ourselves as the individuals that we are. USP is only that chunk in our whole lives and perhaps, not even the most important one. I’m learning to let go, of letting things be as they should except if something terrible were to happen (can’t imagine what). The Y1s will in turn become senior to another group of Y1s who will also ask the pretty much the same things I put out here - about finding that social ‘place’ in USP, about their own intellectual explorations, about wrestling in life the different but important priorities that threaten to pull apart the fabric of our lives. Friends/peers from my batch will continue to seek new grounds for explorations in either exchanges and overseas endeavours, or in the fertile intellectual field of their respective majors. Y3s move into the season of wrapping up this undergraduate career. These words are cheap. The experiences that accompany these words will be severe at times. Our own subjective experiences; our psychological states, cannot cross the gap between persons. No, we are not like the Na’vi who can link their minds together - not so, for us. Now, I’m not even sure what ‘seniors’ can offer to ‘juniors’. We can only describe our own paths, which are not the paths that the juniors will walk. We describe what we see, hear, tell of the things we know ourselves, but the experience itself is something subjective and unbridgeable. The juniors will have to walk on their own road, and overcome what they will face by themselves. No amount of advice/talk from seniors can help them do what they will have to do. In all these, everyone will be alone, individually. No one can walk for us; we can’t walk for another no matter how much we desire so.

So, even as we are tied together for now in this few years, I’ve learnt, that ultimately, we will go pretty much our own ways. The social bonds that tie us together for now will come under strain from our respective desires and ambitions - which may or may not be reconciled. Tensions. But for now, the future can wait. The present is what it is - a gift. And inasmuch as I’ve neglected so much of the present, so I hope to salvage.

Still, dreams remain. I made other contacts that opened up a future that before, had only been dreamt of with little hope of fulfillment. I have had the fortune to come so near my dream; I want to, simply, allow more people in USP to have the same chance as I’ve had.

Enough of the politics, of the pulls that tear me away from the people and the things that matter.

Reflecting on Psalm 139

Psalm 139: 13 - 16

In these few verses, observe how God has created each and everyone of us. Like dealing with something intricate, we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". Imagine the watchmaker inserting the most intricate mechanism into the watch - how fearful the watchmaker must be, yet how wonderful too - for the watchmaker to put that mechanism in place and set the watch in motion. Perhaps it is in that spirit that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made"... Imagine the horror if the intricate parts were displaced - the fears would be realised, but the wonder unfulfilled. Here, God is given emotions, but perhaps these analogies of emotions are the expressions of a divine love that God is as He created each of us.

Verse 15

My frame was not hidden from You

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in Your book before one of them came to be,

I had a thought here, and I want to argue that well, we were created for His pleasure, for His joy. And part of that joy involves our service for the Great Commission, but our mere existence, His creation of us - that alone is a source of His joy. That we live - that alone is already a form of worship.

Here the watch analogy breaks down - we are sentient beings, created by Him for His joy and purpose, that our very lives alone is our reason for being. We don't need any additional purpose to live - by living our lives in His presence - that alone is our purpose. Any other purpose we have is secondary, given entirely by His grace alone.

As the exams end, I know that my exams are taken care by Him already. And as I look forward to an exciting holiday, I know that He is there with me already. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made - this is enough for me, for now, and forever.