28th november 2007. finally, some slack time

Its been a surreal 15 days. Today I just went to PS, but it was only yesterday that I left the airport for Singapore. All of these happened just a fortnight ago, yet it seemed as though an entire lifetime had elapsed. How weird.

I don't think there is anything much to say about the whole exercise, sure, some things could be better, but things have ended... we were very blessed to be training in cooling weather, and after all the exercises, I believed us whole bunch enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. Once all the tough parts are gone, there is the wonderful R&R... haha. everyday canteen, eating, and not much drinking. haha.

Thank God there were computers and internet there. could talk to people, and had a wondeful online conversation with some friend. What do you call the people you hardly meet but can instantly talk as if old friends? Its weird too.

Happy memories? Not quite. But enough to get by.

Everytime I talk about what I do after ORD, I get high. No need alcohol or drugs, just plain jubilation and elation, like that time I received the acceptance letter from USP. wooh!

1. Help Melvin and learn.

2. Keep fit and play frisbee

3. Continue to give tuition

4. Do some community work somehow or = (1)

5. Save for European backpacking for somewhen...

6. Do some writing

(5) keeps me drooling always. can't wait for (1). (6) will wait. when ALL OF THESE is over. then I'll do a real thorough evaluation of NS.

12th november 2007... today i fly to thailand, but before i do...

i just came back from watching 'Lions for Lambs'. It was slow, there was lots of talk, the movie reviews weren't that fantastic, but what the heck. I found myself in the seat of the political science student in the movie talking with the prof... suddenly i feel like studying political science but then again, maybe i'll just take it as a minor. at the end of the day, its what you do, ain't it? oh well.

anyway, here's a letter i wrote to people concerned about me...

I'm writing this because Melvin said he was worried about all the
cynicism that was in my writing. I didn't actually realise it at
first, I felt totally different when I was writing all those emails.
Well, about my latest one, that was just from personal experiences.
Not dwelling too much on that, well, my family is like this
suffocating environment, being too much concerned about the usual
stuff, like making sure that we don't get into trouble outside even
though we're all grown up... That was sort of a personal perspective.
And about the languages, about English and dialects, well, that was an
observation about the fact that well, Singapore society has its haves
and have-nots, and its pretty much defined by how much ang-moh is
spoken at home, I mean, look at the richest families, and they have
the sort of 'pedigree'. And all my cynicism about Singapore, about
PAP, about NS? The cynicism is just a phase, but beneath it all, there
is like a constant fire burning all the time - its all getting so
cliche I feel so embarrassed to say it all. Why am I so cynical about
the intentions of PAP, about our society?

Because I think that, and Melvin agrees, that we live in a
material-driven society today, where most people define success by the
money they make, by the car they have. We have become a
material-centred society today, instead of the people-centred society
that we should be. I think thats why I'm so cynical about PAP, about
NS, because, I personally cannot feel their people-centredness. Thats
why every now and then, I think about whether the people behind PAP,
are they really concerned about Singapore, or are they concerned about
their status and jobs.

I think all cynics were concerned at one point or another, then they
got disillusioned and lost their belief. Thats not happening to me,
and not yet for a long time. At the centre of all of these is simply
that drive to want people to change their material-driven mindset, and
hopefully to redefine their definitions of success, in terms like,
legacy, for the benefit of others, and something else I can't recall.

'Be all things to all people'. What I learn is that people don't want
religion - they don't really care if there's a Jesus who promises them
eternal life. Maybe they are too stuck on being material driven they
don't realise they need relationships and everything else that makes
life fulfiling and meaningful.

That is why I'm writing all of these - the things that I've been
writing about, the 'tradition-bounded family', about the nurse from
China, about the coffeeshop cook - all of these are part of the
society that has failed to become people-centred, and in some sense,
all of us are suffering as a result.

In the end, only Jesus can do all of these, only He can make that difference...

So here I am, going to thailand...

11th november 2007 dispatches from the heartland?

I'm not sure if this is entirely valid, but once again, another idea?

This is a bit kind of personal, but I'm thinking that this phenomenon
is a real thing and its happening in many lives in Singapore. I call
this, the 'tyranny of the Tradition Bounded Family (TBF)'. And the
source of the tragedy is what happens when a member of the family
decides to leave or even forsake all the tradition, and finding
themselves crumbling under the weight of tradition bearing down on
them. The pain and drama that inevitably happens when individuals
decide they no longer relate to that identity and find new ones that
clashes with the old...

From another perspective, I believe that the preservation of this
group is one of the objectives of the PAP. Once this group withers
away, the traditions of our current society that has maintained the
PAP's dominance will wither away as well. Hopefully, this will lead to
something good - finally, a citizenry truly free enough to feel and
act on their freedoms to really think and participate in the social
and political processes of our country.

But what traditions am I referring to? Tradition - the environment of
ideas we grew up in, the rituals of worship, of the dialects, of the
customs of everyday...

There are so many intangibles in Singapore society but they seemed to
be all papered over and not explored further.

The fact is that dialect is the overwhelming choice of language at
home. Its small wonder that both our chinese/indian/malay/english are
really sort of bastardized. But why is that the case despite batches
of English education? Our education of English created a generation of
sort-of 'pidgin' speakers who in turn passed it on to their children.
Or at least thats what I think.

I think in the end, has anyone really bothered to look beyond the
surface of everyday Singapore life?

9th november 2007 sketches and ideas of daily singapore life...

just some sketches and ideas.
- - -
Today I went down to the coffeshop to buy dinner and saw the cooksgoing about their work. Maybe we've watched too many dramas aboutcooking and chefs - all the lofty ideals and philosophizing and allthe painstaking details of food that leave us all drooling in themouths after an episode... But then you look at how these coffeeshopcooks go about their business and you begin to throw away all thosenotions. You look at their perspiration, their strong tough forearmsforged by the heat and steam, and from the countless hours wieldingthat do-all ladle, all the stiring, and you begin to get a different perspective about their lives. They work in cramp quarters - to the front is the stove and the cooking, to their back, the ingredients andcondiments. Here, there is hardly any thought about the taste of foodor any of the so called higher ideals'. Here, probably the onlythought is if the food is 'alright' and looks decent enough to beserved. And in their cramp kitchen they work long hours, standing fromend to end, hardly taking any breaks. No, this is definitely not theelite type of foodstalls where the queue spills out of the coffeeshop,this is the average cook trying to earn a living.

Here is survival, here is living the everyday, without us intellectsand our lofty ideals...
- - -
This evening I watched a wonderful documentary about a saintly mothernurturing her angels. About how she nurtures her children in anenvironment of altruism and charity. And her youngest daughter -awww... so adorable, giving sweets and dumplings to the people aroundher! Obviously, not many families do this in Singapore - sure, we tryto inculcate the usual family values about giving and sharing, but Idon't think parents would push this far as to do all these.Inevitably, comparisons surface, and I'm led to wonder about theparenting in Singapore, and how it has created and reinforced thesocial fabric - in whatever state it is now. It causes me to question,like why Singapore is the way it is, where levels of volunteerismcould definitely be higher, and why we don't have a socially activecitizenry. Is this due to our parenting? And if so, I wonder about thesocial environment that created the pattern of parenting today as usedby the baby-boomers - and how it has led to our society today.

(bearing in mind that parenting is the imprinting of ideas and valueson the young and very moldable mind)
- - -
Maids are now an integral part of our lives and society. But just howinterested are we in their welfare and their lives? I suppose fewactually listen to their stories back home in the Philippines orIndonesia or wherever else they might come from - and how they havemade the tremendous adjustment to living here, or how they even gothere in the first place. And how they are working to pay off any debtsor obligations back home, and how they are living here. About how theywork everyday, interacting with their families and how they mitigatehomesickness, finding friends, or even the seedier activities they getthemselves involved in. And how they spend their free times hangingaround Orchard Road, setting up their urban picnics...
- - -
The clans-associations of olden Chinese immigrants of ourgreat-grandfathers, grandfathers and fathers are really just dinosaursawaiting their eventual demise. Because these things are beingreplaced by our new forms of social networks - Facebook, MySpace andFriendster, along with Google and Yahoo. The rituals of these oldsocial networks are being replaced by ours - the banquet whereeveryone sees each other isn't exactly required when we can all seeeach other via web conferences. Moreover, we, the young, educated andhighly mobile now have something else to fall back on - the alumnus,something actually tradition in itself but constantly being rejuvenated by the web and all.

Eventually, these clans-associations of the previous generation willwither away, and few will mourn its passing. Perhaps in time, theywill morph into something else, into elderly-support communitiesperhaps.

Many of the traditions in the Chinese communities will also graduallywither away, as subsequent generations gradually move on into thegreater world outside beyond the boundaries of old mindsets...

4th november 2007 whoa... it was all over?

I reproduce a letter I sent to a friend.

Heyah,

its been a while since I last heard from you. How are things over on your side? Overseas? Where are you now?

I'm not sure what to say. So much has happened to you yet for some reason, you wouldn't tell me. Well, I would really like to know whats been going ion...

I'm actually embarking on a writing project, and its a complicated thing. Its a story about our lives in Singapore, and would like to know of your life story, that is, if you don't mind. Of course, what you tell me stays with me.

I still stick with what I said a while ago - please, don't live a life merely defined by everyday practical needs, or guided by pragmatism. Always look up - He will enrich your life beyond your wildest dreams...

You already know, I'm still in NS, but its no longer that far away till the end of it. I have already told you much about what I do - all the demolitions, the hard, back breaking work of digging, the poor organisation, of the commanders - but you probably have already realised that all these aren't the only things. There is the dreary boredom that saps the life out of us, the hours merely standing and waiting for things to happen, where the only thing that keeps us sane is that far-off hope that everything is going to be over soon - that being a lie we have to convince ourselves in order to keep going. All that I've experienced can't be put neatly into words, words simply fail to describe the fullness of our NS experience. These are the endless days in bunk, doing training under the hot sun, full of perspiration - these are the endless nights digging our shellscrapes, and other holes in the ground, digging, filling up sandbags, walking with our gear, under the moonlight, the stars, or the clouds. There is still so much to write about. So many words to say that can't be spoken.

But all of these, all of these will end, and then finally, the joyous daybreak of freedom from the endless night of oppression.

And after that, onward to mym dreams. Everytime I think about this fact, I feel a lot happier. I'm still thinking, whether to be a chemist or a writer ,or try to do both. But on another level, I'm thinking about life-work, the stuff you do that defines your life, who you are, more than anything else. Do you think of this?

We all know the truth, that Singapore, is really, too small for our dreams.

But even that is peripheral to the goal we have to simply make life better for the people around us, our community, and even beyond, to the world.

Maybe I'm too stuck on all these, but I can't think of another way to live my life.

Then there are those who live each day getting by on what they have. Our friends who strive to make a career, go up the ladder of success, who participate this endless rat race striving for fame and comfortable life - well, if they are smart enough, if they are talented enough, if they are hardworking enough, they'll get to where they want to be. But I do hope you understand why I'm telling you all these - the rat race is for them, not for you. Their means - this rat race that consumes their soul, if for their end - and what is their end? Thats the thing, they have no real ends. I hope eventually you'll find an end worth your life, and join not their race, but your own.

I guess these sort of thing might be too young for us only starting our lives, but I hope its not too late for you to sidestep this trap that so many others have sunken into.

I'm sorry, but these words are the only things I can give you. So yeah...

Take lotsa care! God bless!

eddie.shiqin

Can't believe that I actually went through a 24km route march. and we were singing and singing, and i was doing the leading. i remembered that at the finishing stretch, the fence seemed endless, and all of us were at the end of our ropes, or so it seemed. and then, we walked right back into civilisation and suddenly, our voices became clear and strong, and focused, and we finished on a high note, literally. so thank God.

this is is the weekend before 'the training overseas which everyone knows but cannot say - how stupid is that'. so anyway, money seems to be bleeding from my wallet, buying and buying things, to patch up the insecurity and the anxiety in me. but other than that, there is nothing more and nothing less.

loving tom wolfe and george orwell...