emo pendulum

i wanted to call this post 'love's pendulum', but on second thoughts, didn't seem quite accurate. its about this girl i know and still harbouring some feelings for... its been almost a year now since we helped each other through the a'levels, but unfortunately, a lot of the goodwill seems to have faded away. or rather, the emotional substance - whatever that is - seems to have gone or exhausted itself. those were the days when i thought a relationship was still possible, but now i know, that all those were just delusions. however close we were, she still kept her heart to herself, and i guess she didn't realise, that she close her doors on everyone else. so a year ago, i resigned myself to this silly fate. did things change? hardly. though i went back to her church, things to a sour turn when i did something stupid, like showing up for no apparent reason and making people think that i came for her. which must have been hard for her. and so i decided to step back, and here i am, thinking again. where could i go? nowhere. hah! those were the days when we could talk so freely about ourselves and for each other. those were the days when i could even ask her out for a movie. but no... those days were never what they were. for i had conceded already back then, that i wouldn't press her for a relationship, and because her heart was for someone else. her lingering feelings for the other guy... that i never minded, never meant a thing to me. did she know? i guess she did. was i just playing the nice guy, or was i genuinely nice? i dunno. a bit of both. heck, i told her that i liked her and then i backed off. aww crap. maybe back then i already knew, that she wasn't into a relationship. and so i did the reasonable thing, and offered something else, that platonic relationship, to always be ready for her someday, somewhen. but then, like everyone else, forgetfulness sets in, and these little promises become unbound... and what do i do with the free ends of those promises? its been a year. what a long year it has been, yet how soon it is passing. i'm still wondering if we could ever go back to those days when i could see her silly prom photos and we could all just talk cock about our future lives as we did last december. sigh... just what has changed in these 12 short months? everything? and so i'm back at where i've been for so long a time, just a silly bystander in her life, who paid such a high price for a ticket yet there's no show. or at least it feels this way. am i wrong? i wonder if i should just ask her those questions as i ask myself now. but doing so would be intruding oh-so-rudely again. maybe she won't care. i guess she doesn't. she just wants her life, unintruded, uninterrupted by some rude guy who can decided whether to like her or not...

an old poem. 12th oct compose

Everything will be fine someday

everything will be fine someday someone said.
Beyond the night here comes the day.
so let the pickets, let the mines
let us handle them, with care, nay.
Our hands almost scarred, the gloves destroyed.
our blood, sweat and tears,
And so for what?
For everything to be fine someday

Everything will be fine someday, someone said
And so we wait, for that moment come.
And the wait is long and dreary,
and we wait till we grow weary.
our dreams so long, so far,
But still we wait,
for everything to be fine someday....

Everything will be fine someday, someone said.
F*** that!! Someone shouts
and so we wait,
our time to come,
for everything to be fine someday.

i've been a fool

i've been a fool

i've been a fool,
for chasing a skirt

i've been a fool,
in chasing a skirt,
a skirt that wasn't interested in a chase,
so my chase was futile, and now i'm left
with sore legs and a sore spirit.

i've been a fool,
in chasing a skirt.
i've fooled myself,
that the skirt was worth.
that skirt didn't know what it meant.
never knew its worth.
so all those times seems so stupid,
the blinding passion, what idiocy.

she never knew what she meant to me,
never realised that i was after her.
keep distant, breeching spaces. fine.
i'll give you space, all the space there is.
i dun think i could place my faith in you.

all the time in green and brown,
and to think i looked forward to see you.
all those times seems kinda wasted.

sigh...

is there any chance...?

25th November 2006

wow. i made it thru another sleepless outfield. thank God! and thanks for the mail, sam! anyway, got the economist's The World in 2007! yay! haha. nothing much of mention today, and thinking of nothing to write about. nothing fantastic. but thank God anyway. a little torn anyway, thinking about fcbc but kinda stuck in faog. ooh.. i dunno. and i pray that pple will come for mol.

these things aside, i'm still reading the blank state by steve pinker. and here i am thinking that the social sciences are now really hard sciences, because basically, the basis of many of the social sciences are grounded in human nature, and human nature is being examined thoroughly by neuroscience and by genetic studies. all of these, demonstrating the processes by which humanity evolved and studying the social animal that humans are. how we evolved the appartus for language, how we developed speech, and how our behaviours, are shaped, sculpted by the development of the reproductive organs (yeah, thats how deep the linkages are. the study of gynaecologists are actually related to.... sociology!) not to mention that economic patterns are being examined by mathematics such as game theory (remember Beautiful Mind?).... so yeah. the linkages are all there, except that people don't realise it. even the game of international politics can even be analysed using game theory. so yeah... they are all just different sciences.

so there is really little basis for a divide. the only kinda pure arts are just the arts, and the humanities can just go join the science faculty. history (maybe history could be a shared faculty. because history really covers lotsa stuff) the subjects which we use to write lotsa essays about, well, i guess some of the essays will now give way to a little bit of equations and math. and it really can't be helped.

things like literature, arts, aesthetics, those things can't be subsumed by science because they are creative endeavours...

oh well.its been a nice day!

the moments before booking in

its the moments before booking in where i would think about my parents. they worry more than i do about serving NS, and bring themselves to greater trouble than i do in making sure that i'm alright and comfortable. and yeah, sometimes i see myself so much closer to tears thinking about the love and the effort that they put in for me. oh well. NS's just like that. and soon, it'll be over. yeah! and the few thoughts that keep me going, for the friday, and for the time when i'll be free from the green and brown. and for every weekend that i spend near the cross... for my thoughts and words, for my friends. all of these... and especially my parents...

saturday, 18th november 2006

today, i went to service at julie-tango church and the sermon was about God's grace for the day. and i could relate to that, heck, i think all NSmen could relate to that. was it those times digging shellscrapes, or erecting pickets, or stretching concertina wire, or being made to do push-ups, crunches and runs, or those days standing still for parades, all of these times, every moment, there was God, giving me grace everytime, for each and every one of those moments. and thank God, during those times detonating explosives or shooting off live-rounds, that so far no mishap has fallen upon me. and i ask for Your grace, and let it be sufficient, for now. all this i ask for, in His name. amen.

i passed a few material to samuel. the books were: 50 things that should change the world,
preparing for the 21st century
the corporation
history of globalization.
so yeah, hope samuel and christopher finds them useful, and hope their GP improves. and it'll prove that my concept works! my concept: to become a source of academic material to those who need it. payment undecided...

what a wonderful day it was

it was a wonderful day yesterday. i chatted with someone for a long time about various intellect stuff, like...about the lives of those without formal education, where will their future lead to. well, i can't possibly put the whole conversation here, it would be too long, but it was nice to know that there were others like me, but still different of course. those who lead slightly different lives and to know their perspectives of society. she's an independent film maker and she's living out her passion. i wish i could do the same, though i guess, in due time, i would be doing the same. about the lives of those who haven't made any decision about what to do with their lives, and about how screwed up the world is, and how we are all actually living on an intangible hope, though i guess i live with more optimism than she does. so, thanks cher.

 

and about those living without any decisions about their lives. sooner or later they'll have to make those choices, and then they'll realise that they can't go on smoking, clubbing, having fun forever. they'll soon realise that they'll have to make a living, settle down, look after kids and grow old. and they'll realise that the world ain't all about having fun. but i hope that they'll all realise that sooner or later. like the so called 'mono' people in the army, those consigned to the rubbish dump by those with uppity noses with an aura of snobbery, for those who don't see them, or choose not to see them. well, they're all part of us... oh well. that's the reality...

 

hope.

having a fine day. 17th november

its the late evening. and i'm back home on a comfy chair and staring at the com yet again.had a fine day with whiskey-yankee. its good to know of friends who are have similar perspectives, though always different, but all the same, to have people to relate to, to step into their universe once in a while. and to realise that the personal universes were so close, both physically and intellectually, and then wondering why they never intersected until today. but all the same. glad to have found a buddy. and maybe i'm not so lonely, but still seems so tortured all the same. arrgh. oh well. but hey! i'm not really alone! so praise and thank God!

 

and i tell myself, as i used to do a lot of times in camp, that its been a beautiful day, no matter how terrible it seems...

 

so thank God, for the day!

 

and Lord, forgive me...

i've got a new coupon!

here i am, testing the new system whereby i can actually submit posts directly via email! and i got a new borders voucher! yeah! ain't that cool! i guess books, writing, and ideas are the few things left i can turn to. of course that'll mean more isolation for me.. but i'm happy in my citadel... hee.. like i know myself, there isn't much i could ask for... and luckily, thank God, i've got such a  wonderful pal in whiskey-yankee. hee yah!

almost a broken heart...

aaargh! now i'm really screaming inside. sigh. now i'm overwhelmed by an immense wave of envy. and i'm almost tearing again at the thought that there are blessed people out there who seem to live in such happiness because of a better half. sigh. i'm not-desparate but still desparate. sigh. sob sob. arrh well. get on with life and living. i need to get that out of my system. and i really, really have to be patient and more patient still. arrgh! more angst. sigh...

aww crap..17-11-2006

its a friday.

and i found myself tearing this morning. i'm tired. i'm tired of reaching out to people and garrh! there's no one to reach out to me. do i have to do this all my life? feel as if i'm being taken for granted. or maybe thats why i find myself sometimes preferring army life, because you can't be alone there. nah.

after ns, how would i spend my days? just writing and reading. i know there will come times when i'll feel bored, so i've got to go out and then just start running again. if i can, i would absolutely love to run everyday, if not just every other day. reading, writing, running. i could spend many days like that, thinking of ideas as i run and writing them, and going to read. wow. thats all i ask for. or i'll find a job. blarrgh. just things to think about.

its just so hard for me to relate to others. sigh. 1 don't play games because i think they're a waste of my time when i could be say, writing or reading something more meaningful, something more matching to my personal abilities. can't help but feel this way. so i see myself, perched high up on some 'citadel of loneliness' or something like that. or maybe i'm getting depressed so i can down-pes. haha. what nonsense. in truth, i still need someone who i can be with. someone who can be there... other than God.

oh well. here i go again. my angst coming out in full force. blarrgh.

16th november 2006

i'm finally at home, though 'finally' isn't really the word, since i was at home just 3 days ago. among the many paradoxes of national service in particular and human experiences in general, the days can seem so long yet the months seem to past so fast. i guess this is one of the many mysteries of human perception that can't be fathomed yet. sigh. oh well.

and i am here, in front of the computer, using the remnants of my energy, typing out this entry. there are a few things that i want to address to myself, and though the words are kinda vain, i still write for a peace of mind...

i was at a pool parlour not too long ago, and the moment i stepped in, i felt uncomfortable. packs of cigarettes lying around, dyed hair, earrings, uncouth languag and gestures, all the hallmarks of the singapore beng. i guess i'm stereotyping, but i can't help but make the connections. i remind myself that these are just decent people who are here simply to past the time, nothing more, nothing less, and that the above perceptions are self-enforced, and so, can be dealt with. i then remind myself again, that most uni people are going to do this anyway, and playing pool shouldn't be regarded as a negative activity in itself. i mean, world champion snooker players had to start somewhere, right? and so i moved on in my own thoughts, and soon realising that i had a similar prejudice for gamers who seem to indulge in the escapism of virtual battlegrounds. hey, nothing wrong with that too. its just a way to pass the time. its just that i write while they game, thats all. so, why am i still not letting go of all these prejudices and attitudes? i don't know why. these people express themselves in the tactics and strategies in fighting enemies, or facing off against a friend at the pool table. absolutely nothing wrong with that. so, i come to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me. i guess its long overdue that i change my attitudes. oh well...

i guess my underlying belief comes from the point that people don't take their own lives seriously. but who truly can? heck. we all somehow, lose control of our own lives every now and then, where we go, 'hey, i just wanna give up, i can't do this anymore'. or meaning we cover up the lack of meaning in our lives by exactly doing the things we do in the preceding paragraph - our socialisations are with people who find release from gaming, playing pool, snooker, etc, because simply, there is nothing else to do except getting that little high from beating the heck out of a friend or friends.

and i guess its time too, to realise that girls are just not really necessary for me. i mean, that i don't really need a relationship now. so i shouldn't go into depression or have emo-pangs just because i see a couple getting intimate somewhere. so yeah. i don't need a girl to experience love. i've got love all the time, love from up above. and its really all that i need, nothing really more. what more can i ask for, for having this life, for having this time? really nothing. because i'm aware - i know, that what i do is what counts, that everyone and everything else doesn't really matter, simply because it isn't what matters. what is important is what i do, who and what i am.

so yeah. goodnight...

some projects.

i'm working on a some projects

1. unity of knowledge/knowledge networks
to establish relationships between different areas of knowledge.

2. human endeavour
how humanity develops, and how institutions develop through the course of human development. or, to generalise the relationships between human societies and the environment.
ie, societies develop economic, political, scientific institutions in adapting the environment for their own needs.

looks simple, right? come on, what i'm doing ain't really that forbidding.

in the course of developing these ideas, i have gone on an extended reading rampage, which i'm still going through now. about ~100 books? and about $3k? so yeah... and all these are serious non-fiction stuff about science, society and the world. if anyone who reads this thinks i can help you in academics, i believe my email is nearby somewhere.

juliett tango

i need to rethink about how i should look at girls . sigh.. every decent-looking, smart girl i've been eyeing with interest when they aren't even in the least sense looking for a relationship. so i sorta accost them, and of course, failed, as in failing to establish a relationship. but then, i've got wonderful friends around them, whom i can share my work with. note 'work'. because they are interested in my ideas, or at least, about the books that i read, which may be of certain importance to their studies. so yeah...

but then, once in a while, there's someone whom i find attractive, and i would go do sometimes-crazy stuff for the person. like, finding out how to go to the person's church... and then suddenly, i realise that, i've fallen for the trap. No, she doesn't want a relationship, she doesn't want to become too close...so oops... here i go again. oh well.

living on

i guess its the 'starter's rush', about how i'm writing so much initially before fading off into dis-interest again, but its really fun to type out my thoughts, even if its for the moment. so here i go...

there are those who live life but don't fight for it. what do i mean? they just 'live', do what they think they're suppose to do, and everything less and nothing more. they are unaware of the choices they make in their lives, just plain living what they feel like to doing, without prior thoughts and considerations. they think in terms of, how to get past today or the week ahead, withot plotting a course for their lives. in fact i think many people still live this way all the way till their thirties and forties when they realise that they're still not satisfied with the way they live. or they might have a target, but they just simply got distracted by other things in life, things that get in the way of their target but they never realised it. like, being distracted during study by clubbing or girls or some other entertainment trash instead of really hitting the books and putting in all the effort you can during studying. lotsa guys got into this hedonist trap, into just living for the next adrenaline rush beside the com. oh well. sadness for them. when they wake up from their escapist fantasy, they would have realised how empty they are, plain living.

sounds moralising, doesn't it? or maybe it doesn't matter. maybe they are just exploring life, just undecided. i do hope eventually all these is gone, and they can go on, leading happy lives of fulfilling enjoyment.

meanings of soldierhood

just some content that i'm putting

i'm in NS, the compulsory rite of passage that all reasonably healthy man of at least 16 go through. i'm 19 now, into my first year of 2 years in army, and nope, i am not in any of the command schs - neither OCS (officer cadet school) or SISPEC (singapore infantry specialists). so i'm just a MAN (no acronym), or rather, a pioneer, (I wonder what other euphemisms they have for infantry or just a plain solider). i'm a militart engineer, which means that my principle jobs in wartime include - 1. laying and clearing minefields, 2. constructing and clearing wire obstacles. 3. create and detonate explosives 4. clearing paths of infantry.

in other words, i'm a glorified army construction worker.

meanwhile i'm in the army, and its a wonderful window into the character and nature of Singapore society. because all kinds of people are in it. high flyers straight A students who go to command schs, high flyer straight A students who go to become man, poly halfway dropouts who become officers, likewise, poly halfway dropouts who become man... its never possible to generalise, because there are individuals who strive to become what they can become, and there are those who just follow the drift of NS.

so yeah, i've done the separating of mindsets, between those who want to make full use of their time here, and those who don't, whether they be commanders or commandered. thats the greatest dichotomy that exists, i believe, anywhere, whether its the military or just office work, but the mindset is the same...

but with regards to military service in singapore, its slightly different. because what we are doing is ultimately for the defence of the country. people may keep on saying to just 'go through the motions' of NS, but what people forget or don't realise that ultimately, NS is for something, and among other things, it is to protect the things that we have here in singapore. ok, i may sounds like a patriot, but isn't that the reality? when we are called to fight and defend, we better defend well, and discharge our duties to the best of our abilities. if not, then why bother training us in the first place?

when we become soldiers, people put faith in us, to protect them. and we become trustees of that faith. and this is the faith that we carry to war, what we carry with us when we train, that (touch wood!) when the day comes when its really war, people can trust us... i think this is something that everyone realises but doesn't want to confront. in some sense, it becomes more than 'defending the country' or 'protecting our way of life', but in the deepest sense, to really fight for the ones who we love.

but then, not everyone believes in that. people think that there'll never be a war in singapore. actually, i agree with that, given that at least for the forseeable future, neighbouring countries don't look like they hostile to us. and hopefully, for a long time. there are people who just simply go through the motions of the army and try to get out of national service anyway they can. oh well. those are the very people whom i think, find very little reason to live. all they do is just 'living', who spend their days in front of coms going about waging their battles both as a form of entertainment as a form of escapism. such is the allure of games. to live glorious lives in virtual universes, with little to account for in real life. or maybe i'm just generalising.

and where do i stand? who likes field camps and digging shellscrapes? honestly. all i'm here to do in these 2 years is to learn how to fight when i need to, to have discharge my responsibilitied adequately, not just for the cmdrs, not just for those i love, but for God above. because thats what i'm called to do. as simple as that. and then get on with the rest of my life.

its more than a year

its been more than a year since i blogged, simply because i never saw the need to. many things have consumed me ever since i stopped blogging, and so, i guess its time i restart blogging...

those were the days, the a'levels, and what a wonderful time it was, being able to go through the exams with someone. but that was the past. a long past. right now, where i am, i'm going through many things alone, not because there's no one else but because everyone else is busy. when i meet my friends after their exams, would they still be there with me, for me? i doubt it, not that i doubt their friendship, but because they would have gone on ahead with their lives while i'm still here, not exactly stuck in NS, but not exactly free either. in a few years time, i would have almost nothing in common with them, except for a few snatches of emotional memory that was luckily created in the past. what would be left? almost nothing, seriously. so meanwhile i moan in my own existential angst, as usual, the umpteenth time ever since i got into army, all because well, i haven't got any email responses from any of my friends...

meanwhile, what am i doing? i'm still reading, reading lots more than i've ever done before, the likes before never seen before i went for my after-exam reading rampage. a lot of exciting ideas have come and gone past me, and i'm still more or less on the same lines of pursuit that i'm on ever since i came to unit life in NS. that would be... september? the main lines were... the pursuit of a unity in knowledge, and on the mapping of human endeavour. the titles are abstract, but they're quite simple stuff actually. based on these topics, i've written some essays on them, and no, i am not going to put them up here unless people seriously want to read. but honestly, who's going to come here anyway? besides, i've already given it to the people close to me, and would be interested... arrh well. i'm writing this blog just to please myself..

i'm reading up on religion and science, but then i guess people have explored it from both sides and by now people should realise that they are different and unique pursuits, and neither should trespass? on the other's territory.

i'm reading up on contemporary developments in regions of the world, just to get a feel of things without actually been there. thinking about whether or not to buy books (again), but the impulse ain't that strong.

so here i am, more or less cooped up at home on this (thank God! for battalion offs!) glorious cloudy monday. feels good to be typing numerous words on the keyboard again. hope something fine will develop...