26th july 2007 - not the average thursday

today, i'm only home because the croos country event got cancelled due to heavy rain. so what the heck. am spending the last home moments blogging.

everyday reading spiritual man has been of immense... revelation. everyday i know more about how i suck both as a person and as a christian. it is extremely hard to live a spiritual life...arh well. how do i spend each day in camp with meaning and purpose when most of the time people are sleeping or playing? ... ...

i've been an awful christian. failed utterly. but i can't share it in camp. can i? is it a difference in mindset? ... ...

its so difficult... especially in NS..

23rd july 2007 its a lovely monday

its a lovely monday today. its been showering off and on the entire day, and there was hardly any uncomfortable sun. its been really cooling the entire day, and i spent today re-reading harry potter tying up whatever loose ends in the story.

i keep thinking back about a previous entry, about what happened to our dreams and ambitions as we grew up. most of them got abandoned on the roadside, or became roadkill for that matter. some of us are still lost, just drifting along, waiting for some ship to pick us up. another thing was bugging me though. how did we become so vain? what made us become so aware of our looks? what made us to become obsessed with the way we look? why the make-up, the bags and the accessories? why have we become so concerned about the external and the physical? ... ... ...

this wasn't meant to be preachy. God sees us for we are inside. every make-up, every accessory just fades away as God sees the inside of us. everything outside doesn't matter. oh well. i guess monster will just be able to come up with some remarkable remark that will just nuke my arguments and ideas. haha.

did things have to be so complicated? sigh...

21st-22nd july 2007

my whole body is still trembling a little from the exertions last night, and i can still feel a faint throbbing... i dunno why yesterday would be more tiring than last sat, but it was, strangely.

moichoke told me to write about another leadership failure, but that was a previous post, and there really isn't any point in writing something that is so apparent for all to see... its just another of those disillusionment moments when you think about how bad the organisation... but then again, it ain't that bad, as long as things get done with. its just the ad-hoc decision making - sudden change of plans and all that, that irks people. it reflects badly on themselves, really, about how they fail to think of contingencies. i think the attitude 'since its an emergency, it can't be thought of, so how can we plan for?' was the one that caused the planes to crash into the towers on 9-11. its also called 'failure of imagination'...

and so... even the brilliant fireworks fail to lift up my spirits, even as many cheer on the steps, as the cameras flash from the hotel rooms... it makes me think about the pointlessness of many things, and even my own 'for the disillusioned warrior' seems... pointless. the ephemeral (a word engraved into mind by Little Prince) fireworks... makes me think about nationhood, how empty it is how futile it is. everyone stays for the fireworks and leaves by the anthem, only to come back because of the final flourish. when the ones you love can so easily leave this place, what becomes of the point of protection? we might as well just protect the airport and provide escort for the planes and ships as they all become filled with people fleeing the country... patriotism is something people don on the 9th of august and removed on the 10th. whats the point? thats the point - there's no point.

there was also personal failure last night. it sucks. i've known it well enough and i was reminded of it last night. and there was also a striking parallel with my inner life as well. am i willing to listen to upstairs or just go downstairs doing my own stuff... arh well.

at the end of the day... (well, there's no end to our days, only the 3 letters that are slowly becoming a great source of comfort)...

20th july friday 2007

haiz...

this blog starts with a sigh, because of the little depression that the blogger is feeling. the blogger feels this way because his family is getting in his way of spiritual growth by preventing from going to cell because he stayed too late the other night. and the reader would be surprised at why the sudden change of perspective from 'i' to 'him'? he doesn't know. this must read weird because the blogger feels weird too.

he has been reading some spiritual for the past week in camp. and that has made him depressed in a different way. because spiritual growth is hard. how do you exactly destroy the soulical things and yield them to the Holy Spirit? He has read some powerful passages, and he is slowly readjusting the attitude. He knows that he has been a major cock his whole life, especially his NS life...

oh dear. what rare depressive post. nothing major happened this week other than the said events. oh, and he has picked up bridge, floating and contract, though he still sucks pretty much big time. but its fun. monster has been right in telling the blogger to interact more with section mates. interrupting conversations and saying totally random stuff is still pretty much a difficult habit to change. but the blogger is optimistic that things can change. have they? oh well.

unfortunately, there are people he won't trust his life with... oh Lord, bring about a change in their lives and in mine.

praise be to God for the horse the elf rides on.

16th july 2007

lately, sundays and mondays have become rest days. and i hardly go out anymore. because sundays i'm occupied with the family, and mondays are book-in days so shouldn't go out so much get some sleep, because in-camp sleep quality very low.

anyway, i wonder how many of us will live out our childhood dream. i know we are definitely not the same person as we were when we were younger - our innocence is long gone, we no longer view the world with rose-tinted glasses, the realities of the world are now being ingrained into us, we are told to shed away our naivete and become pragmatic - in doing so, our dreams slowly faded away, as did our passion and hunger. Now we veer away, doing the 'normal' things, half-wishing that we could have pursued whatever dream that was, half-thinking that the dream would never become true anyway. So every day become a drudgery... For others there was never a dream, just the motions of waking up and living. There are distractions now, and some go ever deeper into them. The smaller things of the everyday made us lose track of the larger things that we want to do or become. And this is the sadness...

And this is something extremely cliche...True happiness is something that won't come easy.

15th july 2007 - and the last few days have been a whirlwind

Nothing much happened on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. The things that contribute all happened on friday and saturday.

Friday was amazing. Again, the cell group was praying for me - and that just made me extremely humbled, because i am still so unworthy. God sees me for who I am, not just the failings - yes, He's disappointed, but He still loves me...

If I were to go on about my failings, I'm afraid it'll ever end. So I won't go there. But there's indecisiveness, over-initiative, tactlessness... and so many more that i can't name. How can i then be effective in His work?

The second thing happened on saturday. And if nothing else, it was simply about the failure of leadership. In a system that is so rigidly hierachical, when the top fails, what do the bottom do? naturally, when that happens, we are forced to take initiative on our part. Then there is the failure of reaction. Whatever we do, we get screwed either way, so whats the point of doing it right? Then there is the failure of responsibility. How can other commanders protect their man at the expense of others? If the only 'incentive' of doing more work is only more work, then whats the point? If the important commanders don't understand this... then... don't be surprise when people refuse to do work... All the talk about 'integrity' is simply.... talk... In the end, we all do our work, yet if another group doesn't do theirs...

All of these will come to a head one way or the other. But at the end, it simply reflects a failure of leadership... how can i make my leaders work if the leaders don't even know how to work? If they fail to even motivate, let alone inspire, what can be expected from even those who try their best to follow...?

8th july 2007 NS poem

I thought Live Earth was a disappointment. it was one of those stupid events where people won't think about it immediately after. looks like 'the assault on reason' to me. people go there just because its a happening event, where they can get close to their stars. arh well. its very sad if people don't think about the issues at stake here. look at live8. people think that was the end for africa's assistance. sigh.. these efforts should be sustained - there should be people continually working towards the solutions for the issues... sigh...

anyway...

I wrote a poem a while back. So I'm putting it here.

Thinking about NS. For the disillusioned warrior

Once we were together,
once in our lives,
2 years of our time.
We have always wondered,
the meaning of it all,
why we hold our guns.


The answer given could not satisfy.
The longing remained still,
to quieten our hearts.

They said,
we did all we did,
to defend our country,
to defend what we hold dear.

They said,
unless you can protect
what we hold dear,
we can't say that we have it.

In this new, new world,
is it really true?
The nonsense of an olden time,
still clinging onto us,
everytime we hold the gun,
everytime we slept,
under the starry, starry skies.

What we hold dear,
what we truly hold dear,
will always be in us,
will always be with us.
What we have lies in us,
no one can take or destroy.

We believe in this country not,
we merely ride on it,
as this country rides,
on the rest of the world.

What we hold dear,
is this country not.
what we hold dear,
is beyond this soil,
beyond the land.
We serve no ideal,
nor in her cause.
We do what we have to,
simply because we are told to.

They say,
do you care not for your lives?
When the guns of others point towards your loves?
Will you then not protect those you love?

With regard my life,
I protect.
For those I love,
Die I would.
But I will die not for the country's cause,
I die only for the love I have,
for the happiness of those I love,
not for flag, nor for glory.

For what is a flag,
but a piece of cloth?
For what glory I die for?
The only glory I desire,
that I merely tried to protect hose I love.
Yes, for this reason I take up the gun,
for this reason I sleep,
under the starry, starry skies,
in the cold, cold night.

These are long, long days,
and long, long nights.
Where boredom reigns,
and indifference rules,
where absurdity is supreme.
As the sun sets,
and the moon rises,
as the skies darken,
and the lights come on,
all we ask for,
is for all these to end,
when we may truly rest.

These times,
pass without purpose, it seems.
The world toils on,
with or without is.
What pride is there,
for the things we do?
Only the slender assurance,
that we now are able,
to protect those we love.

7th-8th July 2007

today was another stupid rehearsal. ushered again. but it was all to be expected - all the absurdities and all the nonsense that i came across. like the lady who forgot her ticket and had to be rescued by some kind soul's extra ticket. like all the tourists who were irritated at the huge turnabout they had to make. arh well.

what irked me most however, was what happened after everything. the ride home with a friend, who turned out to be hiding truths. truth is, he didn't actually stay close to me, rather, he stayed extremely far. truth is, he stayed in an inconvenient place so he shared a cab with me just for HIS own convenience. i to think that he will justify everything, or hide everything to make it sound like he was right. seriously. there's no point hiding anything, because when is known, there is only one person who will suffer, and it is that person himself. in other's eyes, his standing will fall, no one will trust him to work with, and honestly, it reflects a fatal flaw in that fella's character. nope, i am not reading too much into things - these kind of gestures reveal the character more than anything else.

and yes, this is a bitching session, and i should stop saying anymore anyway. this is not how God sees him. But Lord, I just pray that You begin a mighty move in his heart, that You will change the way he is. Lord, i pray that somehow, when people work with me, they see You, and i pray that others can see You when they see me. I know all these bitchings are real nonsense anyway - so Lord, take it all away. For YOUR power, and glory. amen

but he's not the only one. there are many other characters in camp who can make people vomit blood. there are people who are emotional pendulums, swinging from one extreme to the next; there are people who complain and don't work and keep on complaining; there are people who complain but keep working anyway; seems to everyone likes to compare about how much they've done, as if to prove their own superiority and ego. arh well. i guess everyone likes to feel that they've done more than others, so to feel better. but its really nonsense. and almost everyone complains about ever more work to be done, and hope there will never be a 'come, lets go help...'. arh well. i have nothing to say about that. anyway, in any large groups, such characters will bound to appear anyway, so maybe its not such a bad thing after all to be learning in such an environment. arh well.

and yes monster, all of us are hypocrites, and i should be real honest about it. so, yes, i am a hypocrite, but i am trying not to be one. thanks for all your wonderful reminders of the large failure that i am.

2nd july 2007

its been a while since i blogged, and this time, i won't dig out closets of skeletons, rather this entry will be just another one of those write-ups about something i heard or saw.

Even as I type out this entry, I can hear the sharp, almost shrill of the chinese instruments being played on a makeshift wooden stage. There are bright lights, and brighter colours, as actors twirl around the stage, their dialogue the dialect of those whose hairs are greying. I can't tell the age of the actors/actresses because of the thick make-up, their faces painted white, red, pink and black, not unlike the geishas from Memoirs of Geisha. I can only understand only the vaguest of what they are saying, if I understand at all. Its all actually rather wonderful and even nostalgic, if only I was born 2 or 3 generations agon, then perhaps I could enjoy this performance as I enjoy a trip to the cinema today.

Yet there is sad side to this. The place where this performance is being played out is but in my humble quiet neighbourhood, where not much happens; the audience is but a handful of greying men and women on chairs leftover from some banquet nearby. My heart grows heavier as I wonder if I am witnessing a form of art in its death throes - and I am, in a way, guilty of causing its demise.

I don't think by the comment of 'its a different generation' justifies the extinction of any form of performing arts. Despite movies, theatrical and dramatic productions are still by and large, thriving in the local art scence. Then what about traditional Chinese Operas? This is about more than just entertainment - this is about the loss of a tradition...

This is about the disconnect that the elderly in our society must be feeling. This is about their lives, about their many decades of toil in Singapore. The society that we have today is because of them, and we will be taking away their way of life. I wonder if they feel like they are strangers in their own land - the transformation of Singapore in their lifetimes must seem simply amazing to them, even beyond their comprehension. Yet what has the rest of society done to them? Are we treating them like tools that have gone beyond their by-use date? To be thrown and left to decay?

having met melvin today, a lof of things went through my mind. but first and foremost, one of them has to be that i am not a good christian. i guess doing something about it is just what i can say... and i guess thats the thing that matters...