21st-22nd july 2007

my whole body is still trembling a little from the exertions last night, and i can still feel a faint throbbing... i dunno why yesterday would be more tiring than last sat, but it was, strangely.

moichoke told me to write about another leadership failure, but that was a previous post, and there really isn't any point in writing something that is so apparent for all to see... its just another of those disillusionment moments when you think about how bad the organisation... but then again, it ain't that bad, as long as things get done with. its just the ad-hoc decision making - sudden change of plans and all that, that irks people. it reflects badly on themselves, really, about how they fail to think of contingencies. i think the attitude 'since its an emergency, it can't be thought of, so how can we plan for?' was the one that caused the planes to crash into the towers on 9-11. its also called 'failure of imagination'...

and so... even the brilliant fireworks fail to lift up my spirits, even as many cheer on the steps, as the cameras flash from the hotel rooms... it makes me think about the pointlessness of many things, and even my own 'for the disillusioned warrior' seems... pointless. the ephemeral (a word engraved into mind by Little Prince) fireworks... makes me think about nationhood, how empty it is how futile it is. everyone stays for the fireworks and leaves by the anthem, only to come back because of the final flourish. when the ones you love can so easily leave this place, what becomes of the point of protection? we might as well just protect the airport and provide escort for the planes and ships as they all become filled with people fleeing the country... patriotism is something people don on the 9th of august and removed on the 10th. whats the point? thats the point - there's no point.

there was also personal failure last night. it sucks. i've known it well enough and i was reminded of it last night. and there was also a striking parallel with my inner life as well. am i willing to listen to upstairs or just go downstairs doing my own stuff... arh well.

at the end of the day... (well, there's no end to our days, only the 3 letters that are slowly becoming a great source of comfort)...