16th november 2006

i'm finally at home, though 'finally' isn't really the word, since i was at home just 3 days ago. among the many paradoxes of national service in particular and human experiences in general, the days can seem so long yet the months seem to past so fast. i guess this is one of the many mysteries of human perception that can't be fathomed yet. sigh. oh well.

and i am here, in front of the computer, using the remnants of my energy, typing out this entry. there are a few things that i want to address to myself, and though the words are kinda vain, i still write for a peace of mind...

i was at a pool parlour not too long ago, and the moment i stepped in, i felt uncomfortable. packs of cigarettes lying around, dyed hair, earrings, uncouth languag and gestures, all the hallmarks of the singapore beng. i guess i'm stereotyping, but i can't help but make the connections. i remind myself that these are just decent people who are here simply to past the time, nothing more, nothing less, and that the above perceptions are self-enforced, and so, can be dealt with. i then remind myself again, that most uni people are going to do this anyway, and playing pool shouldn't be regarded as a negative activity in itself. i mean, world champion snooker players had to start somewhere, right? and so i moved on in my own thoughts, and soon realising that i had a similar prejudice for gamers who seem to indulge in the escapism of virtual battlegrounds. hey, nothing wrong with that too. its just a way to pass the time. its just that i write while they game, thats all. so, why am i still not letting go of all these prejudices and attitudes? i don't know why. these people express themselves in the tactics and strategies in fighting enemies, or facing off against a friend at the pool table. absolutely nothing wrong with that. so, i come to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me. i guess its long overdue that i change my attitudes. oh well...

i guess my underlying belief comes from the point that people don't take their own lives seriously. but who truly can? heck. we all somehow, lose control of our own lives every now and then, where we go, 'hey, i just wanna give up, i can't do this anymore'. or meaning we cover up the lack of meaning in our lives by exactly doing the things we do in the preceding paragraph - our socialisations are with people who find release from gaming, playing pool, snooker, etc, because simply, there is nothing else to do except getting that little high from beating the heck out of a friend or friends.

and i guess its time too, to realise that girls are just not really necessary for me. i mean, that i don't really need a relationship now. so i shouldn't go into depression or have emo-pangs just because i see a couple getting intimate somewhere. so yeah. i don't need a girl to experience love. i've got love all the time, love from up above. and its really all that i need, nothing really more. what more can i ask for, for having this life, for having this time? really nothing. because i'm aware - i know, that what i do is what counts, that everyone and everything else doesn't really matter, simply because it isn't what matters. what is important is what i do, who and what i am.

so yeah. goodnight...