tonight was the night my nightmare nearly came true - a sign of things to come...

The Sunday that just passed was a nightmare that almost came true...

The nightmare concerns an 'apartness' feeling that I've always felt between my parents and I. But before I move on, I love my parents and my family and I know they love me. Love - as in sacrifice and affection. I know my parents and siblings have already poured their lives into me, and any failure to acknowledge can only be a failure on my part. 

And so I move on. This apartness that I feel concerns largely my academic and spiritual development... I already live in my own world academically, pursuing the things that some of my peers in USP might not even understand completely. I'm pursuing academic boundaries in ways, and I'm also beginning to accept myself and my inclinations, and trying to maintain sensitivity to friends as well. 

There's isn't much to say about spirituality except that I have acquired a different worldview, and that makes a lot of difference already.

But the thing that concerns me most is that academic pursuits in USP is moving me into a different socio-economic space where my parents and siblings can hardly imagine. That I'm in this place where my peers are used to a more affluent lifestyle due to their socio-economic background, that I am here in USP due in large part to my academic merits (I think), and that I'm out of my league socio-economically... This part has always affected me ever since I entered ACJC, and I'm still feeling my way through this. That because of academic achievements people think I come from a over-achieving family background... Well... Sunday night I shopped around for a blazer, and brother and I were in conflict because he thought the blazer would be too expensive... Thank Lord for G2000 bundled packages! 

So yeah. Even as I'm in USP, I'm contesting stereotypes in my own ways, that at the same time, I'm also trying to find an acceptance over who I am and what I'm doing, in relation to my friends, in relation to the whole system overall... 

In all of these, Lord, I ask for compassion, not to be self-righteous or puffed up or boastful, but instead, to see these people with compassion, to relate to them on an even footing, to engage them emotionally and psychologically, to acquire a sensitivity for myself and for others, and I pray that in all of these, I will find favour in You, and in others, that others might come to see the work that You are doing in my life.

Lord I thank You, that I am in USP, for the opportunities to interact with so many people, and I pray I can engage them in a meaningful and spiritual manner. Lord, give me the strength and the compassion to see them as You see them, as creations of Your love and grace. I ask all these in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.