peace for the moment

I guess I now come to the day when there are no more emails to send, the rest before the essays and the practises to do and write, and just sit there and appreciate the peace of the Lord in my heart and life.

By the grace of God, I've been feeling a passion in my heart, a really deep passion in my heart, that makes me want to feel more, love more, study more... This passion is a passion in its sacrificial sense - it is something that I take up daily to endure as much as I enjoy, to push on...

I'm really anxious about church, about FCBC. I really need the grace from God to believe in the church, to follow the the senior pastor's call of faith.

I really question my faith in God, and the direction that I'm being led to. It seems that for now, the call at USP is leading me to one direction, and the messages from church are leading me to a different direction. And yes, every now and then I'm entertaining the thought to leave the church... But I know that the chances are that I'll come up against the same things, about directions and spirituality.

So Lord, I really dunno. I'm abstaining from normal lunches now, and learning to be really serious about prayer and QT. I rededicate my life to You everyday, knowing that there is actually no 'Eddie Choo Shiqin', but there really is just God acting through me. Where I try to exert my own strength alone, I fail. It is only when I totally depend on Him that I can actually do anything at all.

So Lord, this is my spiritual life: It is a wasteland, not even in ruins, because there was nothing there in the first place.

Isaiah 41:17-20

¹⁷ "The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.

¹⁸ I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.

¹⁹ I will put in the desert
the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set pines in the wasteland,
the fir and the cypress together,

²⁰ so that people may see and know,
may consider and understand,
that the hand of the LORD has done this,
that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

The latter half of Isaiah has just that special place in my heart...

So Lord, I dedicate my life to You once again. Everything that I have, that I am, I lay them down at Your feet, at the foot of the cross.

Lead me in faith, hope and love.

amen