post-NY/princeton prayer

Dear Lord, I thank You for the time that I had in Manhattan and Princeton, and i thank You Lord, that i am fortunate enough to have had this opportunity. Lord i know that it is only by grace and grace alone that i was able to make it there. and i am reminded that it was by grace i’m in NUS, and by grace I’m i USP, that it is grace too that i have had this group of wonderful friends, and my life, and my family, and everything that i’ve had.

Lord, You know the things going on in my life - how Princeton motivated me to study even harder, with the idea that somehow i might be able to do post-grad work in an Ivy. but even that is vanity. You have shown throughout the trip how You are ultimately in control - how i was refused entry into the TED Conference office, how similar Princeton students were from Singapore students. You have showed me what matters, and what doesn’t, that TED isn’t such a big deal, ditto for Princeton. Those are excellent things, but to make those things a measure of worth - that is a terrible mistake. Ultimately Lord, You are the measure of all things - You alone determine worth and value.

Lord, You also know that i’m feeling tired, lately. I’m tired of running around places, i’m tired of thinking of ideas that don’t work out, i’m feeling kinda stretched, psychologically, academically, emotionally. I never took cues from people until now, and i realised how much i had to give and i’m thinking that its not worth it. i never met anyone’s social expectations, and i’m thinking if there are other ways to build relationships. I’m not going to compare myself with other people, but sacrifices have to be made to do that, and I’m realising that i’m not prepared to make those sacrifices... i mean, quiet time at the expense of group studying with precious friends? Thats a really tough choice. I’ve juggled too many things than my hands can manage, and now many of them are dropping splat on the floor. I’m tired of journeys to cell groups, tired of traveling home from PGP, tired from flying, just tired. I’m tired of thinking about writing projects, tired of thinking about my undergrad life, tired about whether to go for exchange... tired of ...

Its not that I don’t want to do these things, its that... there are just so many things to think about, and they are all important one way or another. And I can’t find that balance... balance means cutting back on somethings while doing more of others. I know I can’t hang out with my precious friends all the time because we ultimately live different lives. I have my own agendas, for good or for bad, and these agendas get in the way of time.

The larger picture: I am still learning. I learnt alot last semester, and God is just pushing my learning alot more. The more i learn, the more trials there’ll be, and things will just get harder hereon. Right now, it feels that a re-dedication of my life is in order, that despite the plans that I have, only God knows how things will turn out. Lord I give You my plans, my studies, my relationships, my life at church, my family, all unto Your hands. All my plans are naught - they won’t come into fruition unless You will them to. Lord I dedicate my undergrad life to You, that unless You say so, I will not do post-grad. If You do want me to do post-grad, You have the freedom to send to any university... Even my affinity with USP - Lord its also dedicated to You. You know that I’ve been inspired by the experience at Princeton, and You know my desires to see NUS becoming a better institution, ditto for USP.

As for the other areas of my life, Father, You have full freedom to do what You need to do in my life. I will protest, I will struggle, but Lord, i know deep down its necessary. So come in Father. Come into my life once again. and again and again.