20th feb 2007 solipsistic

lately, i've been blogging just for the sake of blogging, not much else, as a little reminder of what when on in the day. been kinda dry on juice. but today, there was a lot on my mind...

toady's itineary: to melvin's home, then to big sis' home, then to tampines - david CHARLES tay's home.

hiyah... feel so awkward being in the company of melvin and sarah. haha. not really such a big deal. but as i was coming home, there was a conversation going on inside my head. i believe there were 3 characters - they are, neutral (n), solitary (s), and vulnerable (v). the conversation (as i try my best to remember it) went like this.

neutral: had a great day today, and i learnt something about myself.
solitary: what did you learn?
n: i learnt more about my loneliness again.
vulnerable: that's really nothing new.

s: yeah.

n: well, things sorta came together again.

s-how?

n-i went to the past, and then the word dissipation came up again.

s-well, we always liked to have our own way, a little bit different from others.

v-even if it brought loneliness our way.

s-but we actually liked it.

v-or sometimes bring our heart close to tears.

n-well, i realised that we want to be subtle, like invisible.

s-we're used to be like that. we always try, but it never works.

v-yeah, and it has made us more alone.

n-really? we thought we were really comfortable alone.

v-at times, but sometimes we just can't help this way. look at yourself, you're just an ordinary nerd...

s-who needs people anyway. we thought long ago that we wouldn't go the way of the world.

n-true. but maybe all these is just some training to know ourselves better.

s-whatever.

n-there is one good thing, however. because the only thing we have is the stupid brain inside, i can know for sure that any girl who comes around looking at me is only doing so because of that stupid brain, and not for looks, which should make a relationship more lasting.

v-or so thats what you think.

n-whatever.

s-who needs girls anyway? just another distraction, they don't really matter.

v-oh really??? (sarcastically)

n-hmm.... i've been sorta thinking, its really hard to live in a community. there's just so many things. so much politics.

s-that was the reason why we didn't want to stick to a community in a first place.

n-i guess people don't like the way we do things.

s-yeah, the straight in the face 'i don't care who else is there, but you gotta hear these words' kinda attitude.

v-we'll probably be the first to be voted out of Apprentice or Survivor or any of those 'reality' game shows.

n-yeah man. maybe its also some sorta training.

s-whatever. screw the family.

n- you can't say that. in the end, that's really all we've got, all other things aside.

v-what other things aside? look at your pathetic social circles. looks more like point particles to me.

s-yeah man, who cares about social circles anyway?

v-i feel so out of the loop when people start talking.

n-well, that's when people like charles and melvin look so fantastic. thank God for them! they are our anchors to the outside world. how are we to serve God otherwise? we know that pleasing people ain't our actual objective, but we could you know, treat it as a pathway, a guideline to the world out there. no man's an island...

v,s-oh well. guess you're right...

gotta sleep soon...