getting past myself

i realised that the most difficult thing in NUS is not the modules. It's not the lab reports, and for me, its not even USP. those things, i now realise, are secondary, compared to the more important thing... my own personal and character development. And the hardest obstacle for me thus far, is not really about getting the grades, but its about getting past myself, accepting myself as how God has accepted - i still find it hard to accept that, and i am still comparing myself with others, even though i know that is something i must not do, and that it will only drive me towards negativity and depression.

i should really accept who i am - someone who daydreams a lot, who cares more about the originality of ideas, someone who bothers to think deep, who is willing to get to the bottom of things, who considers his own learning primary to the grades he receives. Of course, grades do matter, but grades should not be primary, and should not be used as a basis for comparing intellectual capability. Besides, i MUST accept who i am - a thinker, first and foremost, and i am learning all the time... in some sense, i should be true to that, and not get depressed about who i can't be - simply because i am not, and because God has made me so. there are some areas i need to improve, but these improvements can come only because God deems it so as well. Without God, all my strivings would be for in vain. 

I must be clear about who i am, and get past myself. at least for now. other things are secondary. wth, i might even drop USP, and just take modules for fun - serious fun though, for my own learning...

i love my writing class. i am still loving this process of challenging ourselves, of getting to the core of ideas, of learning about the way we think, of critically assessing claims, and how to write a good essay... I find so much pleasure in learning and critically learning! love it! somehow i feel i wanna do something special for this writing class... documenting our traumas in writing, staying up till late just to come up with a draft, half-knowing that it'll be trash the next day, and stuff like that - its just so stimulating...! and it isn't about the class, its also about the classmates and the prof as well, who all end up to this experience. the writing class is truly the defining class for USP. questioning everything, even our most closely-held assumptions. self-realization, becoming a true scholar, who is able to come up with truly original thoughts instead merely rehashing what has been said and done before... i would love to have conversations with dr don about all of these, and just find out what he thinks... 

off to run!

thank God for the day!