one of those epiphanies...

I reflect on my life of contradictions - maybe those things have been the central tensions in my life, that's forcing me, compelling me to feel so much...

I'm an English-proficient kid born to parents who hardly speak it...

A Christian in a family of traditionalists...

An extreme possessor of books in a pragmatic family that does not appreciate knowledge for its own sake.

I embrace the future, but aware of the past, stuck in the never-present, drifting between parents who can't comprehend the present, but still I hurtle towayds the present.

In an academic programme, full of students coming from the affluent edges of society, whereas I'm in contrast, a cultural simpeton, hardly knowing, barely appreciating, not understanding their affluent, sophisticated world.

And so, in between worlds, I find myself.

Something about the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The New York Times article sure made me think a lot.

Its one of the things that happen that make people question the existence of a just loving God, and why He might allow things to happen. I have no answer to that. Only God has the answer. But I can guess, and one of the things is that, there is still Evil in the world, and sometimes, it win tiny battles, but it will still lose the war in this good/evil conflict.

Sometimes, there are just no clear answer to things. Why did the Israeli shell hit his home? Sometimes there are just no reason to things, only events as they happen. And to learn to accept these events, moving on from there, always developing this compassion and sensitivity to things - thats always a starting point to move from...

So how do I, as a global individual, as someone who has read about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, look at this tragedy, even as this tragedy is but a small tiny event in the entire universe of tragedy that has pervaded the region?

Honestly, after going through history, I can't help but feel a little jaded, but I know this jadedness is simply insensitive when talking about the tragedies that have happened there - of the heartbreak and sorrow, of the anger and hate. Intellect seems insufficient to deal with this, but for a Singaporean thousands of miles, I find it difficult to summon the emotions to think about this. I know that nothing can add or subtract to the sufferings there, but mere acknowledgment seems insufficient. I think about the need for peace - but even that is insufficient... I can only hope - put my faith in - in a God who cares for all of these tragedies, who somehow turns everything for something better. But I am painfully aware that even the idea is insufficient...

But then even these thoughts are overwhelmed by the thought of human suffering all over the world, in Darfur, in Congo, elsewhere in the world...

It is a sad broken world, and today, I'm reminded of it.

hanging out with shaun before he leaves for ann arbor

I have a problem with sleeping late. Gotta start reconditioning my mind to wake up early.

I hung out with Shaun today, because he was leaving Singapore soon. Too bad I forgot to take pictures.

But pictures are besides the point. Photos or not, he remains a rather close buddy of mine, and we share alot of our ideas together. We *get* each other. We understand each other, and the issues that we think about. I'm the reader, and he's more of the pusher - he knows how to ask the right questions, while I try to synthesize the answers on the spot. I think thats what good friends do to each other, share knowledge, and probe through all the assumptions.

It is through hanging out with him that I have arrived at some really good ideas. It is about thinking those ideas out, talking about them, sharing them, engaging with these ideas that something original comes about.

And this time, it was no exception. I discovered that 3 traits are necessary in these journeys.

Sensitivity
Be aware of whats happening around you. Look at what the people are doing, hearing their conversations, and knowing the various contexts that people are immersed in.

Observant
Now that you have all the data, one has to be observant in piecing together how different pieces fit; how a seemingly random event might be actually part of an actual whole, how disparate observations are actually linked together. Along with this, one should also be aware of when these connections might NOT exist at all in the first place.

Inquisitive
The only thing left is simply asking questions. Ask different questions, but ask with an intent to figure something out - to get to the core of things. Some question might seem stupid, but their answers might not be.

So there you have it. The 3 traits to an enriching life. Along with this attitude one becomes open-minded, discerning, and well, is on the way to become a wiser and wiser person...

something foolish...

Things have been quite messed up. Or rather, not really. It might seem to be, but its times like these when you learn to step back and look at the larger picture. I am fine. Really. But spiritually, there are battles, and conflicts, requiring confessions and retreat, and returning to the altar, and laying everything down at the foot of the cross, and be cleansed, purified, sanctified. Destroying walls where it is mis-built, destroying where there is imperfection. Because God is the creator, and He will accept nothing less than perfection. i only work with Him, and where i build by my own strength, He demolishes and He builds, and rebuilds. Because truly, there is nothing that CAN BE DONE unless HE builds, and when he BUILDS, it is because it is PERFECT; it is HOLY. He has a perfect plan for my life, and He will accept nothing less - a life that is perfect to His will. And where i stray by my own strength, He will do a crisis, an uproar, an earthquake, just to come back to Him, unless in my quietness, He reveals my straying. Because of His love, He does all of these. He loves us so much that He cannot bear to leave us alone.

wow...

and i can only stand in awe of You.

A crisis...

I ran in the heavy rain today. Was that wise or unwise? Lord protect me.

 I felt a lesson was being learnt here. When it rains, when things don't go well, do we quit? If God wills it, then we learn to strive on, despite of the rain, despite incidents and accidents. If not, walk away, leave nothing back.

So did I learn anything? I don't know. But if I had to run in the rain just to realise the passage above, then I guess, its all in HIS hands anyway...

realisations second week

Its extremely weird to think that i'm already at NUS for two weeks already, attending proper lessons, meeting friends and people almost everyday. It simply is amazing. at the same time, i have yet to throw off my old mindset of being in NUS, and my time here illustrates that a paradigm shift in my mind is due for an overhaul.

I often forget that NUS is a global school, where people of immense talent come here to study, if even for just an exchange. Lots of extremely smart people come here for some reason, and it is not for me to fathom that reason. But the point is, they are damn smart. this is no longer ACJC, or worse yet, geylang methodist. Here, every person is smarter than i am in vastly different fields - and that thought hasn't even sunk in yet. I have to treat everyone with respect - for who they are. At the same time, i have to appreciate myself even more, because these are the times when weaknesses and strengths reveal themselves in my approach to academic work and in social relationships, at the same time, trying to keep the spiritual perspective while also undertaking my own work (learning programming, doing TED stuff?). Today i realised i am not that good at badminton, because i don't know how to smash, but i am good at reflex shots. but oh well. it is this kind of learning that i need. No longer can i glance through text and claim i read it - the writing module put that method to rest. Now, every text is to be closely scrutinised and examined - a habit which i failed to develop through all my reading. Well, the old method did ok for me, but now, its up another level, how steep the learning curve - but still, to take it on and conquer it!