february-no-more 2005

today is the last day of february. haha.. just another day really. not trying to sound too 'deep'. whatever that means.

had my prac today. nothing too difficult, just that it did not expect the prac to be so free of difficulties. yar. just 'no problem', i guess.

hmm.. i will not sound too 'deep'. should i make myself shallower? nah.. silent thoughts always run deep. sigh...

anyway, it was kinda silly for me, i guess, to always message this girl, apparently for nothing. does that mean its a crush? i think so... then again, i am trying to think nothing of it. because i dun want anything to 'really happen'.

i think God is trying to tell me of my purpose now... having this little tiny voice telling me to 'serve' but not specifying any details. i remember praying again and again that saturday night while celebrating Xiaoping's birthday and near the end of it, i realised that i had teared... i think its the first time that i had any tears after praying. maybe somehow....

i've had the little impression that i do not belong in the cell i am in. i dunno. i'm like a odd looking piece that doesn't seem to fit anywhere. no surprise that i'm a BIG loner. and i cover myself with a facade of goofiness especially with my bunny buck teeth and smiles, and weird humour. but then, i always manage to make people smile, because of who i am. like how i would endear myself to people i want to feel endearment for.

i can't help being myself to be a little more sincere? or a little bit more helpful, be the kinda guy whom everyone can talk to, because i have that bit of a universality?, or because of the kind of guy i am, which is ???

wondering if God is testing me, realising my weakness is for heterosexual perversion, by putting me in members of the opposite sex. i would like to think that i am doing fine on that test, as it has been such a while ever since any perverted thought came to me, so...... meanwhile, God has made me encounter another girl, whom i'm feeling that little bit touched............. God has put girls like that before. Samantha was one, and so was Merrini.. and now her........e................... ???

yawn..... so much for goofiness...

thank You, Jesus........................