11th day of school 09/10

It's been 3 months since the previous acad year started, and I realised that already, I've given my heart away to people and not probably be getting anything back.

I guess thats the notion of 'unconditional love' operating, but that is so damn hard! Now I know why people talk about drawing from God, because if you don't, its all to easy to become bitter, frustrated, and disappointed with people, because through all these giving, expectations are created, and... life becomes messy...

'Just give lorh' - is not an easy thing to live by.

Also want to say a few things though. Lord, I realise that I need You, more than I've ever realised. I claim the words in 2 Corinthians 12:9 - But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."...

Last night, in a rush to catch up with the printings from tourism, I took away time for QT. Not the best thing to do.

I thank You for the bright mornings, the clear skies, the rain during the previous night. I thank You for friends, and I pray for lasting friendships. Father, continue to soften my heart, and to commit my relationships into Your hands. I place my friends' relationships into Your hands as well - bless them, and pray that Your destiny for them might not be thwarted by the evil one.

I commit the rest of today into Your loving hands. May Your glory be served, not mine. In all these I pray, in Jesus' most holy name. Amen.

a new habit...

For 2 a few nights now, I walk out of my PGP room, and walk. Usually towards Chatterbox, then pop in and see who remains there, then pop out back to PGP.

I usually think thrugh things and reflect upon recent events, and do a little bit of worship, and a bit of prayer, like solitude.

And it's a nice thing to do, especially when I realise that I cannot force myself to stay in the room...

Tonight I realised nothing new. It was a reminder that as things change, they stayed the same too.

My approach to topics have changed, but I'm still passionate or at least, interested in the same few things. I still think about environment, and I still think about how people make sense of information. It's just that I have new things to think about - sociology of science, of knowledge, and semiotics to bring these things to bear on various analyses. I still have an active mind, still thinking about many ideas - but the main threads still remain.

This time last year, I was still interested in information technologies and still concerned about climate change. At that level, nothing has changed!

The friends have stayed the same, but changed as well. We are not taking the same modules, and new relationships have developed that let old bonds weaken a bit. But no matter. There is still time, time enough to catch up, but these are moments to treasure, to cherish.

Love remains.

Day 4 august 2009

I remember that I wanted to blog, but I promptly fell asleep. Yeah. Yesterday was only Friday, only Day 4, yet a tremendous sense of fatigue and weariness has already descended upon us.

At this stage, one realises the importance of friends who feel as weary, if not more weary than you, and the need for mutual support to survive another semester, another year, fraught with many more assignments, projects, deadlines...

In quietness, one realises the life enriched by these people, despite the hurts and pains one gets through the course of study, and one wonders whether giving anything was worth everything.

Ultimately, life is still alone, the choices and decisions of one - alone, deciding the paths... it is a powerful, burden-full thing to think of, and that is where even friends cannot come in. Yep. Life is still, and will always be, it seems, a lonely life.

But friends make it infinitely more bearable.

Pardon my morning grammar.

the times i run at NUS

I enjoy running at NUS. I know its not exactly the sanest thing to do, considering that sometimes I run the slopes deliberately. Its this strange sense of catharsis, of clearing up certain thoughts. And here they are, as I went to run, and the thoughts that came up.

The first time I ran at NUS, it was the first year, and it was all so emotionally exciting, with many ups and downs - and that was felt in the run that I did - the strenuous uphills and the relaxing downhills.

But as I ran again, the feelings are different. It is still the same run, but the runner has changed. The slopes now mean something different - no longer the rawness nor the intensity of the slopes, but something else, that just slipped my mind. There was something that I grasped... the hills, the slopes, of the going up and the going down. It might not have been about the journey that we take, but about an experience through life.

The challenges of life will always be with us - in school, out of school, and after school. The destination matters, but the process of the journey is as important as the destination. I remember noting that I would want to come back to USP and mentor the students to think about their lives and how to get there. I think about the sobering fact that I would not have thought about doing sociology. In fact, if I were to come to FASS in my first year, I would instead have been hot-headed about political science.

As Dr Ryan says, Steve Jobs' connecting the dot backwards is too simplistic, but it is a beautiful narrative nonetheless. Its amazing that I stumbled into Dr Don's class - a semiotician, and how I got infected with certain ideas, and how all of that has led me in my current direction... deep insightful stuff...

And so the slopes on NUS mean something different to me now, though I still can't quite get it.

ooh..

I was in the shower when...

Milo. A chocolate drink. Chocolate powder with a bit of water. When it settles, it's not nice to drink. Need to stir it a little.

God never allows things in our lives to become still, or stale. From time to time, He stirs, so that the chocolate powder becomes more distributed around the cup... It's a bad analogy. And then He drinks, and its good.

USP won best faculty float design. Emotions poured out. It was weird. I don't really know how to feel. It certainly feels good since I helped applied papier marche and paint in some areas, but I didn't got myself completely involved in it... It certainly makes me thing about a few things, looking at the graduated seniors who come down and helped in many crucial areas. There must be something magical, perhaps, in bringing people together to do a tremendously large project. I guess it is in such events, where the more you give, the more you received - to know that all you do is not in vain.

And so too, marks the end of the holidays.

I've gotten my new card as an FASS student. The rest of the next 3 years await. I pray that my move was Your move, not mine. Everything I have - all my milo powder, come only from You. Stir in my life what needs to be stirred. Help me Lord, to be effective and efficient for You. That the experiences in my life will shape me to what I need to be for You. So Lord, the rest of my life You already know. Help me walk through it.

Amen

experiences in this weirdly-spent holiday

I now take the time to pause and reflect on the things I've experienced. I learnt a few things, and here are my thoughts:

The path to maturity is laid with sacrifices. A person matures as he/she understands and commits to the sacrifices that have to be made. That statement brings me to the notion of dying to self, and to God. Everything that we have is from Him, and we have to be willing to let go - everything. Friends, and relationships should all be at that altar of sacrifice. Sometimes, this can be difficult, but it has to be done.

I did some not-so-good things. I let people in on the many areas of USP life - some not so good, some alright. Things, such as the social structures and the social realities of USP, and the good and bad of it.

I'm now doing things with Rag - busy making floats and stuff. I never committed, since I knew very well that I could not commit. I salute and respect the people who have committed their time, effort, tears and blood to this project, but I cannot help but feel...

Social credibility, standing, acknowledgment of the work done, of being a team player, of not fooling around, of being treated seriously, of being respected - these are the things that you gut should you choose to commit and do the right things. If not, social pariah awaits.

Alas, but at the end, the rewards are... questionable. I never did the freshman activities during my time - but I have still managed to enter into the social relationships in USP. It is possible to enter into cliques should one make the effort to spend time and crap around, but be serious during crunch time. This is what it takes to be visible. But after that, what?

Its not about the organisers, its not about the leaders... its not about them at all. It's about people getting value and the relationships being made between people that matters. But all of that only takes place at that moment in time and in place - after that, these things are all up in the air, and relationships change. Throughout the semester, we will learn new insightful revelations about particular people, and perceptions change.

Perhaps we find, even with close friends, how apart, or how close we really are. Close friends become distant, and strangers become the best of friends. I have experienced these, and then some. People come together, people fall apart. But we are made of more than stars.

Some of this brings me tangentially to leadership. Leadership gets found out. Its about whether you serve to glorify yourself, or serve to add value to others. If people ask me how I define the meaning of life, I'll say, find it in God, and how you give value to the people around you. I think that might be the whole point of Christianity, since salvation is the ultimate, valuable thing. But if they don't like it, continue to give value to others in different ways.

Haha. I could do a help-others (as opposed to self-help) gig on this thread. haha.

some thoughts about education

After going around places, I have some opinion about SG education. Not that it would be mindblowing.

The distinction I want to make is between efficient and being effective.

SG education seems to churn out efficient people, who can do great things, like solve problems and write wonderful essays. What it does not do so well, is to train people to be effective people - what to do with all these wonderful skills that they end up with.

In fact, that is all the difference there is. SG has brilliant people - no doubt about that. The question then is, where do these brilliant people go? Because these people found no avenue of being effective, they end up being baited by SG govt dangling prestigious looking packages called PSC scholarships. Or the lure of money in the finance sector. It's because we don't have a truly effective programme for education that talent is lost... When these scholars go overseas, they realise that they don't want to be efficient for the government, and conflicts arise. They want to be effective for themselves.

The difference is really subtle - and its sometimes difficult to tell them apart. The difference is really this: being effective is about knowing what you want to do and why. Unless an education can teach people how to do that, then really, everything else is moot.